Monday, December 12, 2011

A Plea

Bloody hell you drive me crazy baby
just what is it that you love about active addiction?
No! We both know you'll never just have one taste, one drink
then stop until next week...
hasn't the past told you enough, that it fucking hurts - banging your head time n time
Ask all those who profess to have your back, to look you in the eyes clean
and tell you where they'll be when the money runs out...
will they visit you inside when the police catch up
(what you think they care that you didn't snitch, it just means you've told 'em what power they hold over you)
even better yet babe
will they be there holding your hand when the tests come back positive
and you're just another drug fucked junkie dying of HIV or AIDS?
Maybe I can't force you to change with harsh reality...
I mean who cares that you've just shot draino into your veins
and you're stomach has been pumped more times than you can remember kissing your
partner goodbye at the door, again
I thought you said the drugs would never touch the ones you love
and yet you stole more than trust from your own mother
and when you're baby child cries for love
you're too stoned to even care
and the holes just happened to put themselves in the walls...didn't they?
And I'll tell you how many of those followers who hang around with you
(only when you're loaded with money, gear or alcohol)
will be pallbearers at your funereal...

Do you really feel like recovery ain't worth it
or you ain't?
Read this please, even once
right before you pick up the phone
please don't make THAT call
or before you head off downtown, next door - whatever, man
let the misery end...
with you alive
my friend


Out Here

For roughly nine months before I came into this world
I heard the softest voice around me
telling me all about this thing called love
and I believed everything I heard
Like an addict to a drug
I craved it
and believe me...
It's everything and more - in all it's forms
I may have once fought those who raised me, I may even today
raise my voice
I may have pushed away anyone who professed to care about me, yeah I may still act hard today
I may have been to bed with many men, just trying to reign in some kind of control
over those who tried to tasted the lust they saw in this body...
sorry I sinned Lord, will you forgive me - even if I won't forgive myself?
I may have tasted love from the one I felt was my prince
his voice calmed every fear and he melted more than the ice around my heart
whenever I laid in his arms
I crave that love, but I now understand its value
I understand why it's held in such high regard
and, oh God thank you
for my family and my friends
Oh and thank you for letting me experience the fruit of Eden
though like the addict I am...
I will search til my last breath passes my lips
for another taste of that fruit
I still know my Mother always spoke the truth
there's every kind of love and respect
out here


Friday, October 14, 2011

I am not who you see

Step aside when I walk across your path
stand rigid against a wall, across a room from me
eye balling me cause of
who you perceive me to be
Obviously you've never seen the truth beyond skin
Step up to the plate and look into my eyes
explore the soul swimming here within
Sit with my uncomfortableness, walk with me while I lead you past my gates
Yeah you'll see the hell fires rise up to scare you away
but ignore the devil sneering at us, at your intrusion
cause buried behind the defenses
is the purity of an untouched child
an angel whose wings are brighter than the sun, lighter than a mothers' arms
here your preconceptions will melt away...
This is my true self,

nothing but Gods' will


Saturday, October 1, 2011

The hidden truths

I stand reading another eulogy, burying another lost soul
(a friend in the lonely world we existed within)
You embraced the artistry of self expression
adorned every inch of your flesh with conversations and ideals of your soul
pierced yourself as many times as you felt pierced by society
You tried to keep everyone far enough away so not to get to know you
but in my eyes you saw something welcoming and inviting,
an understanding look
and so we let each other in...against the voice screaming "back off"
in my head
You were the only one who could see deep inside me
and understand the meanings between each written word
of the littered scrunched up poems left behind by my hand
and the tears that were never allowed to fall
I cradled you as your essence left this world
watching the irises in your eyes grow smaller as the heroin consumed every inch of you
I tried not to let you go but the only thing I keep thinking of was
my own survival
I'm not sorry though cause we were only fooling ourselves,
we both knew the drugs just didn't work anymore
and that we were so broken and void
(it was only a matter of time my friend, it was either you or me)
so I looked away as you took that last shallow breath
and I've never looked back, recovery is my addiction now
and yeah I remember you every time I'm overwhelmed or feeling alone
I hear your soft voice reassuring me it's OK to embrace your ghost
to cross over the bridge of reality and make believe
to stick one more gram up my arm
to hold your gaze one more time
(but holding you once more is never enough, I know that)
So I had to smash the mirror between us
had to smash the lies we hid behind and come home
become clean
Goodbye addiction, you were a great teacher of lies
I lay you to rest
with this last shovel of dirt I bury us
and admit I am powerless over you
but that a higher power gives me choice
"one day at a time"


Monday, September 19, 2011

Care what I have to say?

You stop by, a casual reader of my ramblings and inner going ons
Do you ever wonder who I am or who is this soul
pouring out the chaos and noise inside their head
(and the heart, yes you hear from my soul as well)
I've been on a self imposed silent retreat
well OK, maybe 'retreat' is too nice a word
for the critical prison I locked myself away within
day after day, night after night, week after week
I sat listening to the critical violence pounding down
on the fragile child I barely keep alive within
why are we humans, so damn cruel to ourselves
(let alone the stranger trying to make a living for themselves, next to us?)
I've cried two years of raw emotion, frustration, pain and grief
all in a short space of time...
I'm not a hero or anyone special
I just do what I have to do to live life to the best of my ability
I have a choice, we all do
yeah it's hard to accept and hear something we don't want too
but the other choice is no choice at all - for me
Today may have been a hard day
but when the noise dies down and it's all quiet within
I just gotta ask myself
"how much of my issues are the lies my own head spins"?
I've been told growing up that I'll never amount to shit
that's someones' shit and sorry but I don't buy it,
who gave you the right to judge me?
I will live my life to the best of my ability
even when my humanness is expressed in tears
and unfounded fears


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Inside Tears

Everyone tells me how strong I am
just cause I keep on climbing to my feet each time I'm knocked down
I can't help it, I hate defeat and feeling helpless
I hate seeing others breaking or broken
I'm told I have an empathic, caring and compassionate soul
that I have a gift and talent...
to me, seeing what's left unheard within
it's nothing but a curse
I'm beating myself up cause I can't fix so much
(and it's so, so, so close to home)
I'm feeling that uselessness when you can't make things better
yet you're carrying so much of your own stuff
5 months short of two years worth of fresh tears
now there's more running down my cheeks
unseen to anyone, felt only by me
(I'm drowning within)


Sunday, July 3, 2011

Just to be shared

I don't wanna be alone anymore
I'm over comparing anyone who tries to love me,
to the one who I shouldn't of let walk away
I want someone to share my journey with,
someone who gets the emotions that life brings (it's not all heartache and pain)
I want to hold the heart of another...
in my gaze, not my hand!
I wanna feel the heat of lips brushing, skin touching skin
(one long lingering kiss)
My masks aren't painted on
not foundation, lipstick and mascara
they're made of experiences and knowledge picked up by living life
and the one who brings me to my knees will know
how to reach beyond my granite walls,
will know you can't fake the intensity of love, the realness of finding another
who really gets all that makes you (and loves you all the more for that truth)
And they know sex means nothing
when there's nothing there
They won't run each time there's another "lets wait, let's not tonight"
cause they understand just holding speaks more
They know there's an innocent purity that's so much sweeter,
so much more addictive than lust...
just waiting to be unearthed,
just to be shared
with only them

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Like the Russian dolls
I'm standing outside myself looking inwards
dissecting the layers of each mask I wear
for each personality I own
for each circumstance or situation I encounter
or person I deal with
I reach the second last layer and come across a dirty big chunk of granite rock
and I can feel the sheer overpowering pounding of
naked raw vulnerability of innocence
I'm knocked back by the power, overwhelmed by emotions and feelings of inadequacy
warnings pound in my head
I feel great pain, shame, guilt, wrath, injustice...
undeserving of the pure innocence I feel, I picture on the other side of this encasing before me
for the first time in my life
I know who stops me getting close to this treasure
within me
for the first time in my life
I can name the booming voice that shoves me away
whenever I try approaching...
it is me


Saturday, June 18, 2011

We Share

I don't have many material possessions
by societies' standards I'm pretty much a poor man
(until it comes to tax time, of course)
I don't have a wallet overflowing with cash
and more often then not my bank balance reflects all of this
I never completed the last year of our school system
and I don't hold degrees or diplomas
yet I'm schooled in things the systems can never teach
and I know the ins and out of empathy and compassion
like the back of my hand
I understand the plight of those who struggle
I also understand the desire and drive that makes 'man' want more than the next
I understand what it means to start off in life (on your own two feet) without the basics
Don't need to explain hate or injustice to me
don't need to tell me about ulterior motives and sin
don't need to explain demons and angels or the Devil and 'God'
(however 'he' appears to you or you understand 'him')
But at the end of the day I'm content and grateful
maybe I won't experience somethings that enrich life...
like the flashy sports car
the large mansion or house on a huge block
the experience of giving birth
of being a natural mother
or sharing my life with the love of my life
then again maybe there's still so much more in life for me to experience
to live
but right here, right now
I am truly happy
I have faith
I have a full spirit within
No one ever said life was easy
and 'man' is such a complex creature with all our emotions and abilities (or lack of!)
but I count myself richer than any millionaire
for I have more than I need in other forms than material things and dollars
and it nourishes me even more
when I give a hand to another human being
when someone else gets that glint in their eyes...
knowing 'man' that cares for 'his' neighbor
still exists in this world
(we share)


Monday, May 30, 2011


Keep whipping me, with each lash I'm dying a little more inside
but I'll grit my teeth and take it like a 'man'
I feel my faith in humanity wearing thin
things like empathy, compassion, truth, honor, justice and love
are getting lost amongst
things like greed, self preservation, hate, lies and dollar signs
I'm not sure which is the voice of reason anymore
part of me inside
"give up, just walk away, you're wasting your time trying to fight a losing battle for humanity"
while I'm crying out
"I'm not forgetting all those who fought to teach me these values, I can't let machinery of 'progression' overwhelm and beat us all"
I will take the punishment for the greater good
I'm not God, but I'm a believer in redemption
and a product of greed and sin
just looking for someone to cleanse my slate, just waiting for my skin to fall away
and my angels' wings to spread


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pink Ribbon

Alone, left to listen to my own thoughts
I'm overwhelmed by the evil man, like myself
are truly capable of
I feel this demon inside me
tearing, ripping, beating, shredding
purity, innocence, compassion and empathy
I hear the hiss in my own hidden voice, condemning me
pure hatred for what it labels weakness, softness
mockingly taunting myself, reigning over screaming over and over
"do you like being walked over, does it feel good to be trampled upon, you LOVE getting screwed over little one, huh YOU must for you keep believing you really make a difference, they really care what you do
You disgust me!"
Voices become images, so real
I feel like I'm being consumed from within
My mind so scattered I can't recall the prayers for God to grant me serenity
I try to find my voice, I stutter through the verses
knowing it's wrong, but still trying never the less...
Yes I believe,
man may claw compassion and empathy from their consciences and hearts
but there does exist goodness in some
and come morning, when the torture's done
I will bare pink ribbon as sutures
holding my compassion and empathy together
firm and strong


Sunday, May 22, 2011

Dark Path/Free Grasp

Come walk with me
I know it's darkness that suffocates you
but trust me, I know this place
my eyes have grown accustom, in time yours will too
If you survive...

The heat wraps around every sense, it freezes while it burns
Are you afraid, afraid of, me?
You should be...
My love is precious like life
one kiss like addiction, Oh you will crave
(more of me)

Do not, whatever you do
listen to the haunting whispers that you will hear
desire to hold is certain death or life in madness
whichever is worse, I'm not sure yet
cause my heart and soul still pulse as one
*innocent smile of a child*
Come follow me, walk this path ahead
(trust me)

What is this rock, this rock that seems to beat
the case of which looks harder than diamond, blacker than night?
Why do I wear these chains around my ankles?
If I'm here and you're here too
Wait! How did you come to find me, who let you in?
Are you an angel...
or another demon to torture me some more?

"I am light, I am you"
How is it possible, how can you be me
and yet I am facing you?
"I am light, I am choice, I am reason"
This is madness, I'm talking to myself
Oh god have I lapsed and truly driven myself insane?

Follow me, take my hand
I will not harm us, you will soon understand...
Trust in your own self
take thy hand and follow where I lay
see not with human eyes but with purity of God you believe?

We all have choice
We all have will (self and God driven)...
Well, what will you choose?

A substance fueled delusion, an empty shell
darkness inside and out?


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Holding On To Hope

When the darkness sweeps across my gaze
cuts my sight off from my higher power
I know I don't have to search far for a ray of hope
Kneeling down, head lowered
conversing with God
While there's so many things that feel wrong in my life
I know God is guarding me from more than
I can handle
(If I keep my heart and mind focused)
and everything in this world isn't just about my self will
I may come across swamped in darkness and wallowing in self pity
but I just need to unload so my soul can breathe
(chipping away the granite encasing my heart)
so I can see the beautiful people and things around me,
so I can truly be grateful for everything I've overcome and experienced


Saturday, May 14, 2011

Lets dance


Slipping out of the room while you're rambling on
if I was hooked up to a heart monitor it'd be showing
I'm out and you're so self serving you haven't a fucking clue
Who has their hand up your ass making you say this shit?
Do you even believe the shit flowing from your mouth
cause you lost me when you dropped the cards you held,
when you mistook me for a fool
(cause you can't beat a full house with all single cards)
Hollow promises littering the ground
words that mean nothing
are all you brought to the table
You should've made sure I was gone before you walked away
cause I'll not just disappear without a fight
I'll make sure you're gonna be so sorry now bitch
The gloves are on...
lets dance


Flipping The Bird


I can picture tears running down a faceless God
as I turn away
I can even hear my inner child mutter in fear
as I storm off
"you know this is exactly what the devil wants"
Why should I care anymore?
My suffering came about because I believe
in stupid ideals,
but watch this (flipping you the bird)
Preach salvation to the gullible, while selling compassion
to those who can't afford it anyway,
walk all over those under your feet/crack the whip to the slaves you own
Speak to me like you really give a damn
shovel shit in my grave before I'm even laying in there
tell me how I'm appreciated, you're really the only one who believes the BS (from your mouth)
Why didn't I feel my bones cracking
as your iron will
wrapped around my contorted body,
as you twisted and bled me dry?
Why did I keep swallowing the
caustic soda cut pills you pump out
to the masses, to whoever listens to the published PR spin?
My past taught me how fucked up man can be,
now today you've just reinforced that truth
(flipping YOU the bird)
Don't expect trust or loyalty from me no more
the only one losing out here
is you
(am I still valuable in your eyes now, or was that just another rehearsed line?)


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Prayers N Self Doubt

Dear Lord (as I understand you)
I'm sorry again
know you never meant me to feel so much doubt
but these eyes have seen so much
this heart has felt so much
and my head dreams so big
I'm doubting myself once again,
wondering if I'm pushing myself just that little bit too hard
I'm tearing myself up inside
trying to weigh up
the pros and cons
verses the head and the heart
Is it right just cause my will wants it?
(wants it so bad)
Please grant me everything the Serenity prayer asks
please Lord break through my stubborn pride
I don't know if it's wrong or right
and I'm scared of taking the wrong path again


Monday, April 25, 2011

Slivers of my personality

Shattered mirror reflects back the shattered soul of the one who broke it
and here before you I stand in pieces
Watching you walk through my life as I'm left in your laid blows
and venom spewed words
I bet you didn't expect me to extract revenge in slivers
like this...
Standing over your broken body, I've spilled enough of your blood now
to know I've taken my power back
Standing in the corner, I'm cowering in disbelief
knowing the evil I've done in snapped wrath
but it's all too late to take it back
forgive me child
Mother told me to walk away every time, today I didn't
today was too late I know
forgive me God
I tried to hear your voice amongst my emotions, but your respect didn't save me
would you give me the strength needed
now I need to own what I've done, unleashed hell from within
forgive me all my victims
I didn't know what evil I brought upon you, just that I'd had enough of being your victim
time after time
Will I ever pull myself together, was I ever whole to begin with?
In the mirror I still see the red gleam in my eyes
I still see the glitter of innocence within my falling tears
I still see the women you see upon inspection
and the child within


Sunday, April 24, 2011


I don't fit any category you try to place me in
I have never found the one place I truly belong
but hey I'm OK with that,
I love challenging stereotypes and people's comfort zones,
mixing things up and crossing things over
I love soft melodies to hard metal and rap
I love strolling along the beach and crowd surfing in a mosh pit
I love romantic dinners in candle lights and sweet scented soaks in the bath
I love turning my music up loud and playing video games for hours on end
I even love snuggling wrapped in a lovers arms
or sneaking out before I get caught doing a 'walk of shame' the next morning!
Hell, I'm just human
I don't fit your idea of a women, but I assure you I am
I don't fit your idea of a straight women, but I don't care
cause it's none of your business anyway
I speak what's on my mind, while speaking from the heart as well
I am not a label nor will I wear one
If I offend you or scare you with my thoughts and experiences
I'm not sorry
it's just how I reflect and grow


Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Shadows on an alley wall of my cage I'm performing in,
for your sick twisted fantasy
I see the orgasm in your lusting feasting eyes,
devoid of human essence in a belittled and once bullied soul
I'm every insult laid upon you,
I'm every fist, belt and hand
that has reigned down upon you
I'm the very reflection of your loss of control and now you're forcing me to submit to your will...
These tears don't just fall
screaming my fearfulness of being stripped
but they fall cause I have already departed from sanity and condemned
us both tonight
My eyes close as I bathe the night from my hands and face
the all to familiar sting tells
me the water's running red
and yet I don't remember climbing into a bed,
it's been so long since I've seen a beautiful day and a calm night
All that's on my mind is a crave for
purity and innocence,
as another substance fixes this fuzzy TV set
In the sunrise of that dingy cell you robbed me
you lay wrapped in the bruises of my wounds
May your actions haunt you
like your actions haunt me,
I am women but the battle scars of evil doings mean
I'll never hand down my line naturally
I am women but the wars I've started, won and lost have left me with
a reputation of 'one of the boys'
(a toy to use, to rough to love)
Nameless demons in flesh
to many to remember, to many to forget...
God please show this tired soul mercy
I've been robbed of more than


My True Reality

You think I'm so strong, so sure of the path I'm on
You should spend a day inside my head
I'm filling the syringe as my mouth spews forth the shit
you've come to believe I believe
I'm an active death squad of fear, of losing everything I've built myself up to be today
Maybe I should pick up the phone
talk to my sponsor or
my positive peers...
Maybe I can't be bothered fighting this losing battle anymore,
yeah damn you
THIS is the validated victim
screaming fuck you, fuck your
'if it isn't heard, it isn't reality' bullshit
Tight grip around the hand of the hand of the image behind what you see in the mirror
I'm not this respectable, role model whose sole purpose is
to teach, preach and save
other lost souls...
Sorry but my truth is
I'm not
at peace
with what has been my lot
You've had your amends, but where are mine?
Within the darkness of my silent heart,
I'm at peace
of bowing out the way you judged me
all those years ago now...
I'm already dead inside


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Why, you ask...

Sliding in
electricity shooting through me, 100 miles an hour
I can't catch my breath, breathless
weak at the knees, feeling your touch deep within
slowing down the thoughts racing inside my head
all I hear is your sweetness echoing to my heartbeat, slowing to some kind of pleasure
I've never felt before
Still lingering in every sense known to man and the new ones you've opened up in my third eye
warmth in an embrace so light, yet so safe and secure
nothing matters but being here with this incredible love
I want more already
I want to chase you until the very end of existence
your warmth ooh how it radiates from within, shivers on my skin...
How could I not love this?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Where's it all going?

What has changed in those around me, so much has changed in me
looking in the mirror, I'm trying to figure who's looking back out at me
Waded through so much anger, broken all the chains that bounded me
but when I call out to those who called themselves my friends
not many answer back
Everyone keeps telling me how I'm not alone
but God doesn't keep me warm laying in my bed at night
but a hug from family, as warm and comforting as it is, just doesn't cut it
the love and smiles from those who know me now, refreshing as it is
doesn't corrode the stone around the inside layer of my heart.
I'm not ashamed of my past
I don't regret the pain I've caused, cause I own it
cause I accept the role I played in it all and I'm able to let it go
and I do what I have to, to learn something from those mistakes
I forgive myself and those who've stuck around or opened their arms again
I try not to judge anymore
I try and slow down and listen now
I try to close these eyes and see with my heart
but I'm far from perfect, I'm full of defects and humanness
Yes I still feel and sometimes my emotions cloud my reactions
I still run with my will, instead of free will
I leap before I look around, some days
(yeah I make mistakes, you seemed surprised)
You think you know me, cause you've read a few of the lines I've written
you think you know me, cause you've heard some of the stories I've told of my life
you think you know me, cause you've spent time with me...
you've not spent enough though
it's never enough
my secrets run deep, even I've not explored the darkness within
I feel it
sneaking up on me, watching from the shadows
whispering in my ears
like the dragon who once used to entice me to get higher
and blur the lines between life and death
right and wrong, pure and corrupt
Where am I going with this, who am I speaking to?
Maybe it's you
or maybe it's the man staring back at me from the mirror
as I walk away...


Friday, March 11, 2011

Poisoning me

Resentment is poison to my soul
but you feed me poison
for breakfast, lunch and tea
then stand there watching me spewing sickness
innocent like an angel...
it's never anything you do
it's never your fault
always something I've done
I'm always the one who pushed you over the edge
sinister like a devil...
I let it slide
I hand it over
I take the blame, like a bullet to my heart
let it fester until I nearly explode wrath
but forgiveness is mine to administer
and while you refuse to accept responsibility
I'll work twice as hard to purge this poison
from my soul

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Defending dishonor

If my death was brought forth by your hand
I'd still defend your name as I drew my last
I'd give you my last drop of blood, just so you would live on
Treat me badly baby, it's OK
I'll die defending your honor, no matter the shit you do
no matter the amount of times you abuse my values
and kind soul
You can't do wrong by me
I'm so deluded by the belief in loyalty...
even though time and time again
It's been proven by the war wounds I bare
that I'm the only one dumb enough to believe
in such a stupid concept these days
and yet as the slap across my face still stings
I'm here defending your dishonor
Tears roll down my face cause I
never expected it to be you
to be the one
stuck the knife firmly in my back
then lay the boots in
as I lay dying in the lies you spun


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Out of the shadows

Voices raging in my head, screaming evil demands
tormenting this mere man
twisting my words, trying to bend my promises, throwing my morals and ethics back in my face
Everywhere I look, everything I see and hear seems to be vices
the monkey on my back has started up again, fuck he's been quiet for 12 years...
I feel like no one understands that I'm standing on the base plate
(this feels dark and haunting like it was back at day one)
I try to remind myself of all the misery and destruction
the shadow that tears you apart from the inside, the truth that is addiction
- there's no such thing as "only once or just one"
"Go on have a 'free' taste, see how good I make you feel, see how I melt all your troubles away"
"watch how self confident I make you feel, watch how popular I make you with the 'in' crowd"
'I' will give you all you've ever dreamed of, 'I' will make you soar above everything human
'I' will make you feel invincible, 'I' will make you God and feel untouchable...
LIES, ALL LIES, the truth is more like -
'I' will surge through you and turn on senses you never felt, but only once - just to get you hooked on me, you will crave and desire 'my' chemical kiss...but never achieve it again like the first time
'I' will draw you into a world of association, as long as you have 'me' those around you will worship the ground you crawl on (but it's 'me' they want...which you won't see)
'I' will supply you all the warmth you'll sell your soul to have 'me' inside you
time and time again
'I' will make you feel like God or whatever your fantasy is
'I' will have you believe everyone hates our new 'friendship'
'I' will have you push everyone away from you who cares...'I'm' all you NEED
will 'I' reveal 'my' true desire
no longer is your soul just enough, no longer is tearing apart your self esteem and loved ones,
no longer is controlling your every thought, want and whim
no longer is your life enough...
'I' want you dead
that is 'my' payment for everything 'I've' destroyed about you and your troubles
that is 'my' reward for making your life (Oh what did you say in our first dance?) care free!


Monday, February 21, 2011

Made Man Or Mad Man

My struggles shouldn't be a vehicle for more sin
take a look in the mirror Mr Mainstream
screaming in the mic how the streets made you
how you done it tough, ran with the rough
sold drugs just to survive, ripped off your fellow man just to make some cash
I tell of my past indiscretions and the craziness inside my head
I speak with the intensity of the emotions raging through me, then and now
I don't need to talk up my crimes, or feed you lies
Take what you will from my words
either you'll judge and condemn me or listen to my wisdom
in between the conflict and insanity of the place I grew from (not in)
Don't bother trying to tell me how I'm just jealous of your money and fame
just ask yourself once
how many of your friends and fellow men from your area code
still live and die the same way you did?
Just what has your words changed man, besides making your lifestyle seem cool and right?
You say you're down with the Lord, you wear and bare a cross
for what?
Redemption comes not from mere words, empty 'forgive me Fathers'
but the lessons we learn from the mistakes we've made
the wrongs we try to right...
I'd rather sleep with my conscience at night, then the money you've made
yeah it'd buy me more comfort and luxury in this life
but at what price?


Monday, February 14, 2011


I'm burning up from the inside out
I feel sick and there's a layer of sweat forming from head to toe
there's nothing that I can hear and see around me...
but bottles and syringes,
alcohol and heroin, pills and blow
I'm shaking in my own skin, scared because everything I know
doesn't matter right now
I have a hunger no food can touch
A thirst no liquid can quench
I need to remember
feeling alone,
feeling scared of myself,
feeling trapped
I reach out for a helping hand...silence
I know I'm not alone,
but this monkey won't quit it...
I have to remember how I got here...

Monday, February 7, 2011

Clean n Sober...I Choose This

Walk down the haunted, empty streets of my former life
see all the burnt out shells of bridges and litter lined urine smelling alley ways
my head rested, as I'd passed out again
So much destruction I masked and called fun
while inside my organs, heart and soul were dying and decaying...
8 years or so sober, 12 years (nearly 13 now) clean
- This I choose
every waking moment,
every new day I open my eyes to see.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Bully's End (Sweet Revenge)


Pale against the knife's blade, little trembles push goosebumps against it
I swim in the power your fear gives me
go on bitch tell me again all those names and things you called me
Oh what only now you're sorry!...
I know you're just spitting out words to try and sooth the beast unleashed within me
here, feel the pain you caused me, over and over
I give it all back to you bully
and teach you not to underestimate those you think are weaker then yourself
You've pushed me once too often
now I'll make you sorry
Oh stop crying little bitch, you're the one who's pathetic now,
I hate you, I hate you, I fucken hate you!
Rivers run red down pale white skin
blood on my hands
and in the end you lie limp in the darkness of an empty street
discarded trash, taking your true place...
face down in the dirty gutter
and to finish off your nightmare, I seal the coffin lid shut
with a sickening stomp...
crushing down upon your head.
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight


Thursday, February 3, 2011

See it, Hear it - Live it

Do you really believe I'm a renegade?
I've filled many shoes in my short life, guess I'll fill many more
I've been innocence
I've been purity
I've been a sinner
I've been a criminal - in the blindfolded eyes of Ms Justice
I've been a victim...she really doesn't care to hear of my struggles
but I care to tell em
and yes I care that you, choose to listen
May my lessons be a road map for another lost soul
may I find redemption and forgiveness in my 'Father's' eyes
may my voice be heard by those also trapped by circumstance or vice
may I leave this life, when it is time,
known as a guide (not a leader and not a sheep)
for I keep it real and only hope my experiences, pain and victories
show that there is light in dark times
and beauty in this world


Who knows who?

Go on try to penetrate the granite around my heart
you think cause I'm so open with my experiences and thoughts
that I'm an open book, a soft touch, a push over
I give you hints and insights into what has been my world
I share to heal and heal to maybe teach another lost soul faith,
faith that there is beauty, kindness and justice in this world...
and still you judge
I scream inside my head, just wanting you to shut up and really hear my words
(and the meanings hidden in waterless tears and emotions in my voice)
when will you stop trying to make sense of what you see with just your eyes,
and actually see who I am with your heart and then your mind?
Have you not heard that we, as in 'men'
discriminate, alienate, abuse and kill
then justify it in the name of 'God'...
and yet is not every religions' interpretation of 'God'
purity and love?
A demon is not a monster of hell, but a monster called
perverted free will...
'I am the psychologists' perfect subject'...
for everything I've been through, I am not a true reflection
but I have imploded and exploded, progressed and regressed,
learnt and relearnt, been wired only to rewire myself
Who knows who the real me really is?
Do you, Do I...
or do we both only think we know?
What is growth then...


Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Sweet soft gentle hands

cup my face like velvet gloves

Red ruby lips quiver under flowing tears

Like innocent babes

I only want

to be pure.


Lowering The Guard

I want to lower my guard, let you get inside my head
show you the whole other side of me, the one who won't bite and bark
Behind all the walls and hard masks, you'll find
a sweet soul who misses out on so much, much of the time
she is a play thing to my demons, and it pains my heart to know
but I can manage better if it's her inside then this part I show...
If you were to be a friend of mine, i'd be the best you'd have
for you i'd be loyal to, caring, kind and compassionate
I'd hear your concerns and listen when you talked, i'd give my shoulder for your tears
and never dismiss your fears
I'm the type of friend and lover who if you treat me right,
would lay down my life for you, would never cheat or mean to harm
See I'm not really this hard case I present, it's just a mask
I'm really quite a sensitive soul who loves
simple things, like the colors of a rainbow
and smiles that reach all the way to the heart
My only real annoying flaw is this side of me I'm not accustomed with,
you see my true nature is super sensitive and I'm very easily hurt
But the good points out way the bad in me, 100 fold
and if I only could lower the guard and let more people in
everyone would have a chance to experience
the real side of me.


What Would Tupac Say?

Tupac once sang "They win when your soul dies" in a song about gang rape,
he tried to picture what it'd be like "with 3-4 crazed niggers grabbing me"
well If he stood before me, I'd have to ask..
what would you think about it being 9 or 10?
What would you think about the stranger who, as i begged for his help
just stood aside laughing saying "nah I don't want apart of that"?
What would he think of the two cops in their car, who drove by two streets away, but never stopped?
What would he think if I told him, those 9 or 10 ran off when they saw the coppers,
leaving the stranger standing there looking at me,
and what would he say if when I softly cried instead of comforting me
he f***ing finished me off?
Some people wonder why I can't walk down a certain street anymore,
some even question why I suffer nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks...
if only they knew, I'd lived with sexual abuse since I was 7 years old,
strangers, friends, friends of friends and even ex coppers too.
I may be strong as I stand here now, laying it all down for you
but there's still days when the old self harm scars scream "just cut here again"
and tears never cease to run...
If Tupac stood before me, would he still sing the same song?
And now you have heard me, would you forgive my expressed rage, every now and then?
And would you allow my tears if I was to cry, or be like most of the others I know,
wipe them dry or walk on by?


God If I've Ever Needed You

To the power of our higher power

God I need your guidance, I've never been so afraid
This gift of verse, this curse of word
hit me like a barrage of demons from hell, today
My mind was plagued with images of my own dark suicide
I couldn't escape, couldn't sleep, couldn't wake, couldn't scream
Words finally after years of never being read, have sunk in...
I thought I'd healed, but the wounds still fresh within
no words from Tupac or any mortal can help me right now, Lord
I pray for your guidance, I pray for your presence to be known in my heart
calm this chaos, banish these demons from my dreams
Be a soft arm around my tortured soul, walk with me tonight
comfort the soul of a hurting child, your child
Show me not to fear tears, show me not to fear my words,
show me the strength you're taught me, while I'm blinded by my enemies...
banish them from my mind, guide me into your light tonight,
while I walk through the darkness of man's crimes against the flesh
and learn what lessons I may
In your name I pray


Who Am I

Want to hear the truth...
I don't think you'd understand my truth
I think you'll just see the surface and not below it, the depth of me
I'm not afraid of your judgments and labels
If i'm insane in your eyes then so be it, cause I'm used to what's inside
and we're only as sick as the secrets we hide
Welcome to my place, you'll find darkness at first
but stay awhile and you'll soon see the light
your eyes will adjust, if you don't run away first
'Feel your fear and do it anyway', step to me and embrace what I release to feed...
your mind
I'm a 27 year old body with a 500 year old soul
I've tasted my own doom and I've tasted my own salvation
I've cut here and sliced there, up and around, down and across
bare naked skin, I've felt the warmth and still crave that heat
every now and then
like a lover's sweet lips, missed
I've ran until I fell off the edge of the world and I kept running...
This is my journey, it's my story and yes it's about and now!
I keep wanting life while inside I want the whisper of death's softness,
a peace you can't fake or buy on any street
God keeps me safe from the lure of a false want, this lie within
God keeps love strong in my mind and heart
when the tears I hold onto drown me,
everything I've seen and felt allows me to breathe, even when it seems to much
what has not killed me will and has made me stronger
I just tell it how it comes
I'm not afraid to say these are my thoughts, this is what's going on for me
I'm not afraid to say I'm scared and feeling down
I'm not afraid of knowing I could harm myself...
It is this truth that allows me not to!


3 little words

Don't fool yourself,
don't take my love so seriously
I'll be the one who leaves before
you can even prove those 3 little words
left around my lips and body
with your soft smooth touch,
"I love you" written on the mirror
left on the coffee table
kicked out the door before
the ink sets on my heart
with your echoing voice
Don't fool yourself,
don't think these tears are falling
cause I love you
I'm meaning every word
the acid sting of my coldness
is real
I can't love you cause I'll only hurt you
and you'll only end up hating me
so I'll hate you first,
so I'll hurt you before it's your turn
just to protect you, please understand...
This old heart rattles instead of beats
it shakes and creeks
and bleeds old blood from unhealable wounds
put there by shadows of 'man'
and actions of demons in my soul, plundering always
put there by my hard ass stance
to protect the grave site
of the innocence that once was
all the love I dreamed of giving to
someone like you
but that was many blue moons gone...
Those 3 little words are hollow from my lips,
hard to make the sound and expel from my mouth
but true within my heart, hidden from your view



Damn, you're so beautiful
if I could take out my eyes and give them to you
in a mirror you'd see why they smile
every time I lock gaze with you
Damn, you're so beautiful

I've been shallow before
took a chance based only on looks
but man, you're so much more
everything about you, inside and out
highlights attraction, me to you
Damn, you're so beautiful

Gentle soul
so honest and compassionate
so lovable and loving
so loyal and protective (in a good way)
so sensitive and open (like an enjoyable book)
so imperfect, yet comfortable about your
supposed flaws
Damn, you're so beautiful

So perfect in my eyes...

I think you're so out of my league (inside my head)
but if I was to lower my guards,
invite you in (give you my heart)
could you take a chance,
on loving me?

Cause baby these words don't come easy
but every word is true
I could so easily see me loving you
hoping you could see (you and me)

Could you take a chance on us?
Damn, you're so beautiful