Saturday, December 29, 2012

Best I Can

Veins twist around muscle and bone, snake through me
my head connected to this thumping heart
one, two
one, two, one
one, two...
In my ears I hear each beat, it sounds like the bass in my stereo
I feel the demon stalking in the darkness of my mind
cause that is where I've wandered tonight
I face the world determined to be the mask of a strong women
...but I crumble with fear
I watch the mask drop from my hand, smash on the floor
backed into a corner is how this feels
I struggle just to get one breath into my lungs
My legs run, I've lost control...
but really this is not my weakness, this honesty is my strength
I may have looked as if I was returning to old behaviors
and isolating
but these words prove it's not my will I'm acting from
cause if I was...we all know where this would end
yet I'm still free
and my fears drive me to face the demon within
while you may judge the way I handle my reactions to life on life's terms...
I'm gonna keep on living and doing the best I can


Friday, December 14, 2012


My blood boils
I can't believe the judge denied me justice...again
As I had to put all the years of this rock spider's abuse on paper
then spend a day answering questions, through tears
I couldn't switch off the flashes of his actions and it was so hard not to gag
even my lawyer was sure I'd be compensated for the years of hell I endured
but no
Did I hear him right? Did the judge say he's not awarding me justice cause I won't press charges?
I don't know where the guy is, even if I wanted to have my day in court
He's probably in some single mother's daughter's bed or trying to bed em...
he never cared for discreetness but would brag and boast
And as I read reports of kiddie fiddlers breaching orders or getting off with
nothing more than a slap on the wrist, while scores of victims are locked up in a prison of memories and stench that stains the soul
my blood boils and I can't help but contradict my own morals...never lay judgement
here I can't help myself and just wanna torture these lower slugs in the garden of human beings
I entertain the images of what my self righteous justice would look and feel like...
one bullet to the head would be to easy, so give me the whole barrel to fire...
one shot to the left knee while I stare so intensely into the eyes
(oh GOD the power feels so good, I'm no better in this scenario cause I'm the one now holding the power over another)
one shot to the right knee, come on little spider crawl away...try to run
one shot to the tools of your crime, fuck that hurts hey? Oops did I just stomp down upon your hands as you beg forgiveness and cry pleadingly to me, music to my ears, what was that you said? You didn't hurt you really believe your own bullshit?
If you lower forms of scum really never hurt anyone why the need for protection and identity suppression orders when your crimes come to light?
one shot to the left hand, wound you like Christ going on the cross
one shot to the right hand...revenge sounds so damn good, sounds so better than any sentence a judge could pass down
One last shot, right between the eyes as I stare right into them
then just to release pent up rage and disgust, I slam my foot right through your skull
crush it against the concrete then lay a few damn solid kicks into your shell
A life for a life...that is what every victim of abuse loses when that innocence is stolen away...
You're not worth wasting another day, I don't play with demons anymore
I win everyday I live my life doing my best
It sounds good what I just shared but it's just thoughts written down
I'm not your judge and jury, I don't live by a criminal code of unwritten ethics
You're nothing but a rock spider, but hear my courageous roar
"I will survive, I will rise up and reclaim my power, I will live with Godly principles to the best of my abilities and ask forgiveness when I do pass judgement in disgust and entertain 'street justice'"
I don't have faith in our justice system, I don't trust that judges have the interests of victims at heart...but I pray that may change one day, I pray for protection for all our children and I pray for...
Sorry Lord I can't lie, I can't keep a straight face and say I pray for salvation for these creatures...
I just wanna squish them all!


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Justification of truth & lies

*Warning contains swearing, the topics of suicide, anger and drug references - please seek professional help if you are struggling with such issues, help is available and you are not alone.

I have a swag full of reasons
to justify using
to be the junkie I once was again
As my mind flashes images
and my body automatically reacts
my emotions boil away
in my melting pot
I once hung onto the lyrics 2pac
sang in "Baby keep your head up" #2
"they win when your soul dies"
I believed that enough
to climb down off the chair
and take down the noose
I had made
but it's years later and they've still won
their sins still stain my soul and crush my spirit
Who cares if I live my life...
take my power back?
What difference does it fucking make
when ghosts still haunt my mind
of every night rolled into one
and the blackness swallows me
hands and cocks all over me
my body aches and tenses
all over again
Fuck 2pac
what the fuck does he know
about gang rape
telling girls not to cry...
to keep your head up?
Yeah I can justify self pity,
I can let this and all the other shit
I've crawled through
bury me
overwhelm me
kill me
slowly with a syringe full of speedballs
chased down with a bottle
of Beam or Baileys
Slowly with the fumes from foil or a pipe
smack or speed...
Maybe this insanity will end
with me seeing orange spurts
from a handgun
pointed at me again...
but this time it may be bullets
not pellets
You know what
fuck everyone and everything
I'm expressing darkness
so I can see the beauty of my life,
Yeah I've been through so much
and I could choose to wash in the past
to slip under the pain
drown and choke on
the tears I keep within
There's days when I'm in real pain
when I don't fucking sleep very well for days,
when I feel bloody useless
Yet I know the truth
and as weak or pussy as it sounds
love saves me,
nurtures and nourishes my soul,
reminds me I'm not alone,
I'm worth more than 24/7 misery
All these thoughts
are just words on a page (or recited on stage)
I speak them,
share them
get up and walk away
leave them and go live my life
clean, free and higher within
connected to my higher power
(You know what, actually I do win)


The Real Truth

*WARNING- the following poem focuses on church and institutional sexual abuse

A gentle word here of encouragement
a planting of the seeds of trust and friendship
what changed and why must you cleanse me?
Why is the love you tell me I must learn
different to the safe
protective love I knew before
(now I only question what is it that you want,
or I can get)
You say you're assisting the casting out of my sin
how does shoving your penis down my throat
drive any demons out?
How does your hands reaching inside me
save my soul?
How does you entering inside me
above or behind me,
how does the dirtiness and shame
leave me,
if the only way I can unleash this rage
is actually to hurt you,
to commit another sin
out of wrath
I walk into Dente's favorite sin...
of thyself or you
In purgatory cause my anger
could not die
in my eyes
You told me GOD hated what I made you do
that I twisted his love
that I seduced you
right under his watch!
But this is not the truth
is it "brother",
but this is not the truth is it "father"...
who does sweep it under the rug and closes guilty eyes
You repent by muttering 5 Hail Marys
and then give a weak excuse to move away
while another alter boy swings in the breeze
or wrestles with the disease of drugs and alcohol
too numb to feel
GOD's arms warped around 'em
and the angels of heaven
crying redeeming tears
over the corruption
forced into his children under false teachings of man
The evidence stacked up,
Lady justice's scales are unbalanced
and yet the pope hides his head
statements are released
"There is no sinners in here (insert religion's name)
There is no cover ups
and no hush monies paid"
The sin is repeated within,
memories never die
GOD is loving, it is these 'men' that sin!


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Self Absorbed

I'm feeling so alone and broken inside
the very toughness I prided myself as being
blinded my vision and it hurts when I come crashing to the ground
It doesn't matter to anyone, when you realize how self absorbed you can be
when everyone has walked away, sick of trying to help you
when you've pushed them all away, cause your own fear of your inner truth crushes you
- with a breath taking fear
Everyone sees you in different lights, every room you walk into you just adapt
every time you let another in, is this really you, or just another mask?
I can't explain to every person in my life
that I see the devil inside this angelic face, that the harder I try to pretend he doesn't exist
the louder he talks inside my head, the tighter he grips the reins of everything I've worked so hard to keep innocent and pure in my life
I feel every drop of blood that he squeezes out my heart, the closer to my own innocence I move
I feel every tear that escapes from my eyes when another is driven from my life...
when my actions drive you away, when I drop the ball and show the cards in my hand
that the hardness I pride myself upon is more important than the niceness you try to bring about in me...
have you ever thought I don't need to change for every person who crosses my path?
Have you ever considered that there's a reason cracks appear in the girly image you tell me is really who I am?
That maybe I just might be the armor of man's sin for a reason
that this devil inside me feeds a drive to eradicate other's evilness and serves a greater good purpose being locked inside me...
Tell me why is it so important for me to be who you think is the ideal image of a gender?
Don't try and tell me I'm aggressive and self obsessed cause you're to afraid to be anymore than wounded by what's going on inside your own I'm a mind reader, like I take notice of every little change on Facebook
Look I'm sorry shit's happening in your world as well but I'm not in sync with your importance...
guess we all get a little self absorbed sometimes


Friday, June 15, 2012


I cast no reflection in mirrors
I cast another side of me, I hate
and yet there's days when I'm just consumed with a fire, hotter then hell itself
In it's wake I feel nothing but hate, full stop
I try to correct the lies that linger from my traumatic history but it's weaved amongst my very core
and so I am the wrath that protected me, while it also punished me
with harm to myself and those I'd professed to love and protect
I am all the guilt and shame I carried
and rears it's ugly head every now and then
and I whip myself, beat the softness out of myself
beat her black and blue, hold her up by the hair and scream "I am our truth, you are nothing but an illusion"...
This beast I switch to is built upon fear
fear of her taunting being false (OH AND IT IS)
fear of the hurt she inflicts on my innocence being exposed as hers (OH AND IT HAS BEEN)
fear of letting me become the person I know is my truth (and yet it overwhelms me when I attempt to reach my self-actualization...and I deserve to be the best i can be)
fear of being forgotten, left behind in the ashes of my past (I acknowledge the purpose my wrath served but it needs not be haunting me 24/7 anymore)
fear of the destructive force...I cannot turn off once kicked in
I am full of fear, I am afraid of myself
but I am who I am
not what happened to me yesterday


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Words Left Unsaid

I know one day I'll have to face it
that you, my loved one
will be gone from this place
that day will be the saddest
like no other sad day
cause you're not a loved one
if you don't mean something special
to the one who professes it
But that is for another poem
this is about
how special and dear
you are to me
I used to think my greatest fear
was the wrath I know
simmers inside me
yet in a moment of life reflection
(thinking of what you mean to me)
I saw, I think for the first time
my true fear is not anger
it is love...
I worry about you not being around
I feel deep pain, in those memories
(we know those times)
I cannot stand to think...
I'm sorry for any hurt or pain
I have or even...will, may or may not
cause you
'I love you' sounds so corny
when coming from
one's truth
How can I protect you?
(I know it's not my job)
How many tears will I shed
when goodbye must be said?
I don't know angel
I just know I will always love you

One Hand, Two Sides

Somedays I struggle to believe I'm here
cause I can recall days when
everything I see
is empty, too dark
I've poured out my humanity
on sheets of littered paper
way before I could even read
or name the things I felt
name the things I saw
like a flashback of my sins
I see the glint of the knives
flung free in frenzy rage
held against the threats...
I see the red blood run
over my bare fists
and out from the face
I said I loved, I shared kisses
from those ghosts who tried to steal
not from my pockets
but from...well we all know
how this sentence ends
I've forgotten how refreshing it is
to repent, to cry real tears
I've forgotten how it feels
to be a girl
buried under all the stress
life on life's terms...all the dirt
I see all the empty bottles
dirty bongs and discarded
While within I'm burning alive
in the beauty of another second
And here I stand, full of life

I'm Sorry

I made a 101 mistakes,
had I not I would never of
learnt the lessons I know
of now
Forgive me for not seeing
the corruption doing full circles
Believe me when I say
I love you sweetness
trust me when I say
don't follow the footsteps I leave
(not those I've left)
I see the pain
looking out my own eyes
sweetness - I do understand
your silence
open your mouth and speak your anger...
I know I deserve it...child

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I Am freeflowpoet

The ink upon the page is the blood from my heart
flowing through me, out the pen I hold
emotions laid bare, my baggage unpacked
Am I a cracked record, cause I think I've said all these feelings before
but that's why I call myself "freeflowpoet"
cause I don't think before I open my mouth
cause life has taught me
paper won't put me down
paper won't whip me black and blue
paper doesn't judge whatever I've got to say
paper doesn't pick everything apart
doesn't try to fix me
I just spew forth every emotion
every feeling, every word
I lay bare my honest truth
yep, I really hate myself within
yep, I really am wrath spinning inside
my head
my ego and self will
is years of rage denied
I'm my best client
Rip myself in three
the blackness of sin,
the grayness of reality, in the moment
the whiteness of purity and peace
Every waking moment
this is my life
behind the smile I flash you
behind the tears that rarely fall
I'm so tired of helping others
but it's so much easier than
helping myself
I've learnt to tell you so much
How many times have I heard
"You're such an inspiration"
"You're such a strong women"
When are you finally gonna open your eyes?
I'm hurting inside
and I see the white knuckles losing grip
a little more each day
Flashing back to the moment I lost control of my car
a metaphor for my truth right now
I'm coursing poison in these veins
maybe it's left over from the shit I used to stick in there
I'm reaching a point
I'm back squaring off with the devil
surrounded by his army of demons
God, my head is overwhelmed with anger
I see these fists swinging
I see me in the fight, stomping down upon everyones' head
I speak positivity day in day out
but on this tight rope
I'm feeling tempted to lay down
be consumed by the dark side
commit suicide (let my inner child be beat upon, just give in)
Walk amongst you all
helping to save you souls
before damnation
cause this conflict within is worse than hell
and yeah I know what that is!


Sunday, April 1, 2012


I look into the eyes of my past
and all I see is wrath
One by one the tears roll
down my cheeks
I was not a babe in mother's arms
when my purity left, walked out
ashes blowing in the winds
I was just a lonely child
and hate and harm surrounded
stripping the young flesh
from my bones
Then when I awoke I was
no color, no sex
just another lost soul
falling through crack
after crack
Oh God how can I undo all I've done?
Who will undo all that was done to me?
I used to say my wrath was justified
but who was I
to pass on all my blind lessons
to those I filled with hate
veiled to look like love
sold as loyalty
I didn't even believe in
Oh God in this reflection
I see all the evil
reaching out from within me
I can only tell those I touched
I'm sorry...
I made 101 mistakes,
had I not I would never of
learnt the lessons I know
of now
forgive me for not seeing
the corruption doing full circles
Believe me when I say
I love you sweetness
trust me when I say
don't follow the footsteps I leave
(not those I've left)
I see the pain
looking out my own eyes
Sweetness - I do understand
your silence
Open your mouth and speak your anger...
I know I deserve it...child


Saturday, March 24, 2012


My fingers linger upon your skin
shiny like a polished apple
so tempted to take just a taste
testing the air between us
You move like swirling mist around me
dancing, captivating me in those hypnotic eyes
Like a slave I follow your movements, drum beats in my ears
while my eyes drum over and around the image of art gyrating in front of me
I'm the brush and you're the canvas I express myself upon
and in one move you tip your hat, roll it down your arms
you're naked before me, I'm wishing my hands were cupping the hidden package
Ooh such lust...
I am human
after all
*sly smirk*


Friday, March 23, 2012

(Even my lover was) Raped

I close my eyes, remember the taste of your skin
as I laid kisses across your chest, up the side of your neck
I recall how you would smile seductively, when I gave a tiny playful pull
to your nipple ring
I recall all the nights, your words would make my heart flutter
there was no stuttering when I spoke loving talk...
It was such a long fall, slow motion it plays in my head
Oh how I wish I could pull you back, hold you in another embrace
just one more minute, one more time
I close my eyes, remember the very first tear
you caused to fall from the very depths of my heart
I hear it crack, over and over again
I reach out, try to tell you one more time "I'm sorry"
but nothing comes out, cause your fingers touch my lips
I want to stop both our tears from falling, I want to stop you from walking out
on us...
you're just a fading memory, a lesson of love from a gentleman
A part time soul mate, tendered only for loan
Oh how I miss you in my life, oh how I wish to bring you out of my mind
hold you once again
but, for some reason we weren't meant to be
I had to let you leave
and still those tears feel so fresh, still so real
You were another loss, another stolen piece of my happiness
ripped away by monsters, thieves of innocence
their hands once all over my body, now all over my senses
I still hear you whispering my name
I still feel your body hugging mine, you protecting my corpse...
once more they ripped my ability to trust in love
I let the picture fade, one last salty kiss for you


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Stress, a cause for everything

Nights come without knowledge of sleep
leaving me with a temper ready to explode anytime
they say, all the doctors and wannabes that it's stress
I say it's memories of a past, like ghosts in my face
Tears fall, I'd rather be in silence to cry
I feel like breaking down right here, right now
not caring about the label of a whinging child
when you cry real tears, which come with my emotions
Please don't tell me I need not feel shame or guilt
because deep down I do, inside I feel stripped
ripped off of a child's world, cheated
Afraid to repeat, afraid of these visions that come
dealing by hiding doesn't work with time anymore
Tears fall when I'm reminded, it happens, the reminders
the feelings of helplessness, a lonely betrayal
no one but I sees the hauntings of my heart and head
The soul letting go, I didn't know how good it feels
to release the trapped tears I just hold back
I just can't feel comfortable with eyes that see them
Feelings of a black hole sucking me in, void and scared
of a past I can't erase, encase me
My tears remove my barriers and I feel defenseless,
naked with my shields removed
feeling like that child/youth
I sense for some reason is to blame,
you keep telling me I'm not but the feelings still remain.
Anger mixed with a passion to allow myself the right
not to be afraid of darkness or closeness,
a door that shuts me off, out of your world -
taking me to a self made space of aloneness
no one reaching this place, to hear me in silence...
Why does it have to be that people pull you back
I want to lay these images, experiences,
this painful memory to rest
I want to hide myself cause the undead keep
coming home within
The pit of hell, the abyss I felt trapped in growing up
may have changed over the years
though the walls still feel unclimbable, inescapable
even though I know I'll find a way as I did yesterday
A battle with the devil in my face, as he was in the past
but it's some kind of test I guess, cause I've got no weapons
except strength, courage and will to look him straight in the eyes
Without the weapons of distortion I found to numb
the actions of all who harmed me
Guilt in a sense that I was there, I should've been within the place, safe
Then I wake to realize I knew of no such place,
even when alone
(and now my tears fall)

freeflowpoet 1999

Short Temper

Strip away my name
take away my clothes and skin,
the dirty feeling won't ever wash away
and I feel stupid crying over things
I can't change
The little girl is starting to get louder now,
in my face
telling me
she feels a disgrace
Everything I build up to protect myself and her
has gone or is going
and my open rage burns me inside
I don't want none of this no more...
I just want to feel whatever normal is
(whatever normal is)

freeflowpoet 1999


In a room with no doors in sight, i'm trapped
running from my fears, terrifying fears
slamming into walls without meaning to
this long narrow corridor of haunting terror closes in
suffocating the little air I have left in these panicking eyes
sweat dripping off my wracked body of pain
cramps got me up screaming in vane
vomit comes and goes again inside a stripped throat
I know where I am, but am I really there?
Wanting to imitate a death much deeper than sleep
a lot less than the act of death itself
So much sweat it masks all my tears
tears of need, a need so powerful it chokes me
tears of confusion, frustration and anger
I want to lose these chains of dreams that aren't
for I'm awake...
awake every fu**ing night
like a sink full of ice water I plunge face down
darkness reminds me of death embracing me
smothering the child that tries to escape
visions of pleasure when I know what's behind
the trick the devil pulls on my weakened state
The joker laughs in my face
I'm getting hostile towards those I love and those I hate
I'm getting scared facing the night alone like this
I'm admitting I'm scared of hurting a child that reminds me of myself...
it's me I'm afraid of hurting

freeflowpoet 1999

Something's Wrong

Something's not right in my life
I'm missing something deep inside
tonight I watch tears fall
in a busted mirror I study myself
pulling apart a lack of self esteem
I'm finding a lot of hatred, love and confusion
who are you to tell me I'm wrong
who are you to tell me I need to keep on
be strong when I'm weak
stand up when I fall

The heart always cries
when someone else walks out
I was born alone
that's where I am right now

Switchblade running down my wrist
but I'm not suicidal
tears falling from my eyes
tonight I actually see them
who are you to tell me I'm wrong
who are you to tell me I need to keep on
be strong when I'm weak
stand up as I fall?
(stand up as I fall)

freeflowpoet 1999


I know I'm a drifter at heart
to afraid of staying in one place to long
to afraid of listening to new songs
I know only of yesterday and plans for today
tomorrow's to far away to think about
I've got a lot of things that could change plans made
at the snap of a finger click
Mostly it's the way I feel, I enjoy my time alone
a comfort space zone, ten miles square
It's not so easy to get hurt on your own or have others on your back
about issues you've been silent on for so long
Less people to hurt on your own. when you know a choice made
is a choice that affects everyone who says they love and care
Less people to make pressure when you're in the middle of
a moral/ethic fight within
that carries guilt and shame before the choice is or maybe made.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be somewhere else, maybe I already there
maybe I'll just stay a little longer, maybe right now I just don't care
I feel I'm a dreamer, doomed to never hold a secure dream
commitment scares me to much and a contract can be broken
who cares when you've already tasted loss?
And success comes to a stop soon after it begins
Negativity has its rewards as well as its downfalls
what a shame I think this way - a shame to who? You?
This is about my choices, my games, my wins,
my whims.

freeflowpoet 1999

Run Away

Show me the stars made of gold
you melt the ice in my eyes
now we're apart of ourselves
the dance of bitterness is this rage
we embrace the flames of our passion
and another fight starts somewhere,
somewhere we've been

These fists will snap when I command
the rage goes off whenever it tells me so
whirlwind energy of obscenities
hope to hell the child within don't hate
baseball's fun without the ball
and your knees will fall
will fail you

run boy run
run boy run
run boy run, fast as you can
the rage is out for you
i'm coming to hunt you
better run
run, child, run
run (away)

freeflowpoet 1999

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


The metal is part of me, it's like I'm impaled
my skin, every fibre in me
is a crumpled, crushed chunk
I cannot breathe, nor can I bloody move
I have no movement, my limbs just don't respond
I ache, my mental anguish now takes on a physical hurt
My own chest is being crushed, I'm pinned down
by a fastened seatbelt, that isn't real
My mind screams "pull it together, you know this is not reality"
But I cannot, for I am a solid mass...I am the car I was trapped in
2 and a half years past
This is terrifying, I can't breathe on my own
I feel the machines doing that for me, I feel the tube down my throat
my jaw and teeth ache, and I can't pull it out
yet there is nothing there now
I can hear the calming voice, trying to bring me out of this meltdown
yet I sense the blackness of death...or unconsciousness maybe
and it is so enticing and peaceful
I see two glowing orbs of light, is it the hospital lights in the operating room...
or is it something other worldly
is this a memory of the drugs wearing off and being feed into me, while I was under?
I don't know but part of me wanted to stay there...and not breathe any longer
then it faded away and I struggle to draw in and push air out
I'm drowning in never ending tears and mucus
I just want them to stop, I want this to stop
And to those who speed, get impatient or hoon around on the roads
I bet will never see these words or dismiss them with an attitude of "it'll never happen to me"
I just made one mistake, one split second over correction
and the injuries and scars I can never undo
But the flashbacks and panic attacks
pull me back
and my face slams into the airbag over and over again, every time I close my eyes
I hear the impact of metal and concrete meeting each other, a huge slamming explosion
I feel like my stomach is metal
fuck, it hurts to breathe
I want people to stop trying to be helpful, "if you wanna talk call"
I don't wanna remember or relive it
but I can't shut it out
I feel like I'm losing my grip...but it's just normal with trauma
more fucking trauma


Saturday, February 18, 2012

A Shimmer Of Softness

I'm not immortal, nor do I explode or sparkle in the sun
I don't drink blood and I've moved on from cutting skin
I'm not a monster but I know they exist amongst us
yeah, that's right - I've seen them
I've looked into the eyes of many, seen the emptiness of death within
these beings are devoid of remorse, they feed off the fear they cause
they have twisted and warped motives - they believe their own lies
there is no morals or ethics, their bodies hollow
their souls sucked out and vanished...
to me it doesn't matter if they mutter "I'm sorry"
so the man in the chair will go easy on them...
I'm only human - final judgement is not my card to play
and there are some crimes, one cannot come back from
My only role is one of two choices..
to give in and let madness overtake me, to hand in my soul
to live to the best of my abilities, to grow and let go
myself for all the self blame, all the self hate
for all the anger and rage stuffed within
for all the hurt I inflicted while lost in confusion
for all the drugs and drink I attempted to block out not just feelings and things
but the love from those who really cared
For all the pain and worry I inflicted I own and if you can accept my apologies
then an amends I make...
You don't have to believe me, as I said before
It's alright
I trust that I'm trying to be the person I was meant to be
and my Higher Power
hears me
loves me
forgives me
and acknowledges my humanness and the things I've come back from
I accept the mistakes I've made
and I try to find the lessons from it all
I drop my guards
I let in and out love
I am not a heartless or harmful beast
I am not the negative wrath I once expressed through violence and hate
mistrust and coldness


Wednesday, February 15, 2012


How many times can one's world shatter from under them?
How many times do I have to hear "you're a strong girl"
and be expected to stand right up after a blindsided TKO?
Would it matter if I shared what was really eating me up
and killing me inside?
But if I told you the real reason behind my fears and all these tears...
it wouldn't matter, cause you've been along this roller coaster too
you've never left my side - I kind of think you'd be hurt either way
Yeah, that's right
My hurt, guilt and shame is compounded by the hurt I cause you
(haven't I caused enough and yet still I cause more)
I can't apologize enough, I'm trying to hold my head up
but when you're out of sight, it just drops and I feel like all my muscles are solid steel knots,
Weighting heavily on my chest
I feel like I cannot breathe, like I cannot go on fighting anymore
...but you give me hope, your love and support encourages and soothes me
you're faith in me nurtures and enriches
I see you cry and it tears me apart inside
cause I love you and I so want to protect you from pain
but you are right there by my side
Oh God, I feel so endebted to you...
I don't right now, feel like I'm deserving of any compassion or assistance getting back on my feet
in this dark place I'm sitting in
I'm only deserving of the beating I give myself
I'm only deserving of giving in, all I hear in my head
are the judgements I put in your mouth, that I believe you say behind my back...
Yeah I also hear the reassuring voice of sanity, telling me "that's all lies"
but this constant back and forth battle and physical journey
has me wanting to get down on my knees, has me wanting to pray for an escape
but once I get down - how will I get back up?
I cannot get that image of your tears streaming for my battles, out of my head
I've hurt you so many times
and sorry is just not enough, nothing I could ever do or buy will be
I just want to stop disappointing everyone and myself
I just want to give in
(but I haven't got that in me yet)


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Fluffy bunnies

When you see me for the first time
how will you choose to actually see me? Will you believe the automatic preception
or will you man up and try scaling my walls?
When you try, I swear you'll find a maze of darkness
a tunnel so long you'll lose sight of everything you came believing in
and at the center there'll be a final test...will you break through my graphite core
or will you run screaming how insane I am?
For those who stay, for those who see the cracks and hold their ground
I promise to be someone soft yet true to who I am
so harsh yet loving when we don't see eye to eye
I promise to listen and be the first to admit when I'm wrong
I have a heart, I am just human despite the battle scars and acid words
I'm consumed by fear...aren't most of us?
I'm not quite fluffy bunnies and chocolate...just yet
But you just may find that someday


Monday, February 13, 2012

Though these fingers

Come cheer me up, bring back the smile upon my face
don't you see it's just make believe
You're just so used to the lies, you only wanna hear my positive psycho babble
but you don't see my head hung low
or me watching everything slip through my fingers
Why would anyone care if I did turn away?
Why would it surprise you, if I did just chuck it all in?
This is not just a complaint about a bad day...
I'm feeling the noose tighten
I'm losing time...
I see it all slip, slip through
these tired hands
And I still hear you telling me "it'll be alright"
though I don't see it being OK
One slit, drip
Why amI still awake?
Why am I still feeling everything today?
I guess reality doesn't work either...
just like all the other shit I've tried


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Don't question, just look into these eyes

Would you mind if I caught your tears before they fell from your sweet eyes,
just held them in suspended animation for awhile?
I hear your fears for me, I hear you question why I keep getting up
each time I'm knocked down
believe me it gets hard to find the strength to go on somedays
yet I do cause I have found treasure that makes me so rich within
Each time I've been knocked down
It has been the richness I found within myself...
that flowed from the love you showed me
when you welcomed me home after I rebelled,
even after all I had done and said
you who gave me life, who gave me a heart to love with
and the strength to never give up when the chips fell short
It's in your eyes that I find the silent words that allow me to go on
You give me the grace to trust in my own higher power, to trust my feet will find
the right path I need to be on
Please don't shed tears over me while I still draw breath
cause having my family is the strength and richness that spurs my journey

2012 - for the family I love, who love me for who I am


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Define This...

I poured words out before I even knew half the words I penned
but I knew what toxins emptied out on the page, even before I used em to numb
the evils I had witnessed, survived, committed and would do later on
I've been called so many names and blurred so many labels
cause you can't define what hasn't even thought what it means to exist
fuck, I lived one second to the next just trying to crawl by unnoticed...
while seeking someone who would see me, the real me
not the masks that fit the situations I found myself in
I let the labels fit
I was a fat whimp, a welcome mat for anyone to wipe their feet on
I was a tomboy who hated girly girls...cause you said I was gay (so I had to be butch)
yet I was the sort after flavor of so many men, before I was 10
I wasn't gay, I just wanted to be a child...I hated everyone who wanted anything from me
I was the best friend, the one who could hear all your secrets and keep them
never mind the fact you never knew the secrets I already was holding onto
cause you never asked me why I never smiled
cause you never asked to read the scribbles on the paper littered around
All anyone had to do was read between the lines
All anyone had to do was believe the words I was screaming out
All anyone had to do was ask what the razor blade scars were for
All anyone had to do was ask why I was covered in bruises most days
All anyone had to do was give this child a hug, show real concern n love - not lust or one night sex
All anyone had to do was question why I was high all the time, why I was so angry night n day
Now I'm older and clean n sober
I still don't act like someone I'm not
yep, I'm not the women you'd think your mother would approve of
yet I'm more than you'd ever want, if only you'd take the time to get to know me
And now I've been where I've been
the ones who need to hear the things I never did
are still just like I was then...unknowing of something better inside their reach
but they don't think anyone hears them or will protect them from harm
they don't listen to my words like others didn't back when I was trying to find my place (myself)
What does an old timer have to say that counts?
As much as I wish to save others from making the same mistakes I made
no one can force anyone to change
all I can do is leave the porch light on (thanks mum)
and be there if they come around
cause I still won't be defined - I am who I am


Monday, January 16, 2012

Just A Phase

Align CenterI tell myself this will pass
but who am I fooling? These 'phases' feel like they're creeping upon me
more and more, dragging out and dragging me...
My eyes are stinging from lack of sleep
and my desire is screaming "get on, get on"
Who am I kidding? One day at a time I'm just prolonging misery
either road - the one I'm on or the one I've been down
feels the same in my head, it all feels like overwhelming dread
Fuck you, go on lay your judgements down upon me
tell me cause I'm not 12 stepping it like you suggest
that my recovery is a sham, that this obsession to score will bring me undone
Fuck you
If you'd only step inside my shoes this past few years
feel the loss of independence I have, feel the loss of self esteem I have
cried the amount of tears I don't let fall, I don't allow anyone to hear or see
feel the loss of all that empowered and supported my growth...
to have your whole world shatter from under you
and have to be pumped full of the very drugs you abused
but have to wield the self control to work with doctors caring for you
and say I need to cut I don't need those no more
Lesser men have fallen and lapsed or relapsed over and over
I'm still counting (just...hear that, just) my 13 years clean
I don't want to tell anyone my fears, the nagging voice in my head
telling me "no one will be surprised, you're a fuck up anyway"
"you know it, they know it...fuck just use, once...come on, self medicate"
"USE, USE,, ooh cocaine (remember that rush), a little bit of smack, just washed down with a Jimmy and with me like the old days"
Yep, the old days...nothing worked, I'd OD and still knew this swamping unhappiness
using...will not fix this and I know it'll not make me smile today
or make these tears quiet and dry
I need to voice my inner fears, please understand that
please let me say this shit
cause I need to let it go and work on fixing me...
this will be a reality
if I leave it unsaid


Friday, January 13, 2012

Freedom Of Choice

Two hands either side the mirror, I'm trying to hold my own gaze
but I can't see anything pure or innocent
you tell me I'm an angel in human form
yet behind your back my true form morphs
breaking free of this taunt tight skin, the demons in my head come to form...
Words spit at speed, vemon from the very depths of hell
All the hate, torment, violence, all the wrongs youthful eyes saw
visions of the fires that this hateful world contains
spewed forth, regurtated
Go on feel all the hurt, all the pain, all the fears this once alive child felt before dying a human death
only to be recycled into the very sin that will now consume all who condemned
all who stabbed and kicked while she begged forgiveness
Tears of blood ran free in the streets, the heavens opened up
The war between good and evil halted upon that very second...
God found an angel in Satan's bed and she shed her feathers to make her child's bed
and from that moment the in laws feud rolled out
knocking every man, women and child to their knees
I am neither angel or demon
I am neither man or women
I am neither positive or negative
I am my own freak
my beauty is soulful and deep
I am neither saint or sin
I am whoever I choose to be...
Whoever I am in the mood to see when I lift my head
and gaze past all the grime this world pretends to be covered in
Can't they see
they are free to choose,
Can't they hear me scream?


Monday, January 2, 2012

Lies In My Head/Lies In The Mirror

Lies, that is all my head tells me
I know that for I preach it everyday
But I'm just like you...different and unique
I feel like I'm judged every second, everyday
It's not you, yeah - it's me
I hear myself say all the positives in the world
yet inside I'm suffocating from ego
yeah that bastard self will, there ain't no spirituality within right now
It's the monkey on my back, screaming and laughing
"what you really think this bullshit will stop think you'll win"
Fuck, lord help me
I'm helpless alone, my strength is gone right now...
I'm about ready to drown
I don't know who to believe, if I wanna believe...anything
I hear my own voice saying "one day at a time" and "you know you need to get out ya head - cause that's where the true BULLSHIT is"
While inside my head all I hear is
"go on go isolate, be alone"
"you know they think you're dumb and lazy"
"you know they think every time you say sorry or thank you, it's're fake"
"you're a freeloading excuse, a pain who's always in the's really all about you"
"a little shot of H will take the edge off, especially washed down with alcohol ...and a dose or two of those PAIN pills, you wanna try this ice...the old speed freak in you craves, go on what harm will one more run do"?
God ( as I understand you) I pray please take this obsession away
I know my head lies and twists emotions when I'm lost within this beast
I know what is truth
and being alone won't serve to help anyone...
No matter what my head screams
I know the truth.