Unplugged

I'm told to write everything out,

but how do I explain shit to myself,

let alone those who read to relate (draw strength)?

I handle any one of three ways,

I dissociate, and take flight on cortisol

til I go down or threats (mostly imaged) fade,

I disconnect and tell my story as if narrating someone else's story, while my inner child's tears flow down my face (some kind of connection these days, it gets to me to, child)

Or I bite my lip and run the same script,

over n over

"I'm not the only one this shit will hurt and haunt, I'm not the only innocent framed in this lens)

loyalty will always be one sided - I get that now,

I don't owe anyone, anything, but myself

I don't care what anyone thinks

except when they think they know me from part of a judgemental conversation (mind already made up, that's your version...this, me out of control, in a fetal position shaking with rage fuelled by fear...in wrath, lost for a moment, THIS IS MY TRUTH)

I know imaged shame, I know lies & having to hold secrets, I know violence, I've created it and copped it, I know betrayal (more than you could even fathom), I know true abandonment, trust me I know...I even abandoned myself, lost who I truly was (so I tattooed my initials on me, so to remember my own name)

I won't let you in, oh bullshit! Change has been moulded within me

But, there's still doors I won't open to just anyone, push all you want (I'll implode before trusting just anyone with my history)

You ask how am I meant to grow, or let go?

It's a process, I do reveal parts of me...

just in silence screams or behind closed doors

of court rooms or psychologist's rooms

I know what it's like being under a thumb,

I know victimisation,

Fuck 'they' still hold the reins...

I still feel I owe protection, even though I know that's the biggest piece of bullshit to date

I'm not ready to trust just anyone, I'm not ready to trust someone who feels it's their right to broadcast snippets of my story (without knowing me)

I'm not gonna go crazy, go backwards

Losing control just once was enough to scare even me, again...

Excuse me if I avoid, I'm feeling stripped and raw, feeling victimised all over again,

definitely feeling wrath that knocks me out of myself...

Yeah, this is dissociation...what you can't

see this is trauma surfacing?

It's ok, I'll just walk through it and then shut it down again,

I know what to do

and that's not ignoring this

freeflowpoet

Fear, wrath & total powerlessness

 I’m sitting in a chair watching myself standing before me

What kind of devil’s work is this?

I don’t quite know which one is the real me, weird huh?

I test reality by standing up

only to have my legs give under me,

my heart is pounding, not only in my chest

but my ears to, everything sounds muffled, far away...

I’m confused, I’m feeling trapped

powerless against, what? Memories?

I’m safe surely, or no I’m actually not (I’m just as confused as you, you who tries to reach me)

Why can’t I fucking stand up? Why is my mouth so dry, that nothing quenches it?

Where am I? Am I here, this isn’t my body, WHERE AM I, WHAT IS THIS, WHO ARE YOU, GET AWAY FROM ME

The room has disappeared, I’m not even sure I’m standing in front of...where am I?

Confusion, I’m in extreme flight mode and I don’t know why

I’m AFRAID

but a minute ago, there wasn’t anything to fear...

Voices all around me, I can’t fucking breathe

this is all consuming, I’m feeling trapped 

Pitch black... all is slowing down,

Um, who put that hole in the wall,

No, say it wasn’t me, Oh fuck

wrath hijacked me...

I didn’t even know

I didn’t even know...

freeflowpoet 

Destruction

Why are humans so hell bent on ripping each other apart,

Why must being right, go before understanding or compassion,

I’m getting tired of all the trials, all the ‘it happened for a reasons’, all the lessons I needed to learn, all the betrayals and keeping other people’s secrets (this script is on fucking loop)

I thought I’d laid all the skeletons in my closet bare, thought I’d liberated her,

though it seems they’ve all become...

ghosts

And I’m suffocating from the hands over my mouth (shh, this is our secret, this is yours and for the other innocents left behind)

Silence is not golden, silence is not silver grey

it’s a tear my heart out, through my breast plate shock

it’s a nuclear cloud scream, no one hears you scream when you vaporise into ash and dust

I shake violently as my humanity reanimates,

only to explode in my face, over and over

Such is this dance of get torn down, get back up and rebuild...

survive, thrive (rinse, wash, repeat x2)

freeflowpoet