I'm burning up from the inside out
I feel sick and there's a layer of sweat forming from head to toe
there's nothing that I can hear and see around me...
but bottles and syringes,
alcohol and heroin, pills and blow
I'm shaking in my own skin, scared because everything I know
doesn't matter right now
I have a hunger no food can touch
A thirst no liquid can quench
but...
I need to remember
RECOVERY...
feeling alone,
feeling scared of myself,
feeling trapped
I reach out for a helping hand...silence
I know I'm not alone,
but this monkey won't quit it...
I have to remember how I got here...
RECOVERY
I see a small flame, burning forever as a sun
ReplyDeleteoccasionally flaring
white hot
but cool to my touch, caring and searching.
I wonder what it searches for?
I wonder it burns for?
It moves so quick that I can only see it's trail
and smell it burning through anything in its path,
yet in the way it spins I sense a certain sadness
or is it my imagination
reading into the twist of its smoke trail
what isn't there?
I wonder if it will burn itself ou
or if the air around it is enough fuel for eternity,
but what started it burning?
What is the combustible mass at the centre made of?
I have held it in my hands many times and though it is heavy
I cannot detect the composition with great accuracy.
Today it burns low
the smoke is thick
and it turns slowly.
I turn inwards, look around my warehouse,
it is jumbled, disorganised and full of forgotten or incomplete dreams.
But here is a can of kerosene..
wow...
ReplyDeletewhere did that come from? The monkey on my back was going wild picturing the heat center burning outward in a cone of a bong, and the following perception of the high.
The addict was stirring and starting to salivate, I had the chain of recovery ripping my mind from the pull to rein control...If you get complacent and allow boredom to set in you can be undone so easily - It feels like early days again, everywhere I look or turn there's something substance related teasing, trying to entice me. I don't have the evidence of misery and unhappiness of full force addiction in my face everyday right now, it leaves my guards down and I'm not actively focusing on strengthening my own recovery or that of others.