Wednesday, July 20, 2016

It'll never be different

Hands on the steering wheel, eyes scanning
a bottle shop triggers a pleading voice within my head
"a beer would be nice right now, well a case...& maybe a bottle of Beam"
I glance down at my watch and frown
it's not even much after 10am
I keep driving while saying a thank you to my higher power
I get a reprieve today, I get to challenge my thoughts before I act 
Cause I know from hearing that insanity in my head
that it'll never just be one of any poison if I picked up

freeflowpoet

Playback

Woah! Rewind that back, press play
Say what! Nah couldn't have been me...
Are you sure it played out that way?
Man, I don't know what to say,
I don't have it stored in my mind, like that...
I'm not capable of that (self doubt creeping in), am I? Nah
It's not possible, how can love and hate coexist in one, in me?
How can the heart love, while these (?) hands harm?
Pure ugliness,
venom spewing forth from the mouth of...
I have no words to describe that,
that wasn't me...was it?
So much anger, so much hate
Who was that person within...

freeflowpoet

Inner Rage


I wanna scream out
lash out and destroy something,
hell anything 
My innards feel like I have the Hulk stirring,
within Bruce Banner, just before the change...
I'm frustrated,
sometimes self loathing,
disappointed in myself,
annoyed, annoyed at being powerless (so human)...
restricted 
Yet I don't act out
or harm myself
(I hurt enough already most days, physically)
and yet I know I'm not walking through this
alone
I know God
hears my conversations and tears,
provides what I need
to be alright, even comforted...
when I don't fight what is
(it just is)
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Breathe in,
now breathe out
It'll be alright 
(Alright)

freeflowpoet

Tough Enough


I was never meant to hurt another
I was an old soul in a squishy fat body, I never felt comfortable in
I took the verbal and physical abuse cause standing up for myself only brought more tormenting
Then one day, it happened...
that innocent child was gagged & bound, kidnapped and buried deep inside a callous heart (veins coursing with fiery rage and silent pain) to die or be forgotten about
In her place, rose a deaf and mute contorted mesh of man's sin...a nameless monster,
all consuming
I said I'd never hurt those I cared about
that promise was broken many times (like my essence)
And the roads I staggered down turned red
blood on my mind, blood on my hands
I was never meant to hurt anyone, 
I was never meant to be so hateful to myself either, yet I did & was...
Fast forward 
I've got my inner child back & have breathed life back into her heart
We are not what happened or what I did to survive
I am that gentle old soul in my own skin (where most days now, I'm comfortable in)

freeflowpoet

Demon on the Loose

Try to be mindful, stay here in this moment
not the past, not the future
Medical withdrawals and added side effects I can't control or predict
only pray I don't act on the irrational banshee screaming
cut, use, abuse yourself, abuse them...fuck it die, die mother fucker, die!
So tired, so damned drained
so fuckin' over this:
the mood swings, the knock me out to reset pain receptors 'sleep',
the zombie over tiredness, the head nods and hooded shut eyes (without any illegal or misuse of substances),
the over the top reactions...I'll bite, snap and spit you out (before I even realise),
the loss of motivation to try while pushing through anyway,
the non stop falling of tears, while there's a smile upon my face,
the not knowing if I'm coming or going, while I know my life is everything precious to me...
as the demon inside my head plays with the wiring, laughing ever so evilly
Feeling as if I belong in a psych ward, rocking back n forth in the corner (alone)
I want someone to hold me tight...but my intentions are corrupt
(I wanna fuck, just so I can disappear, act out and throw whoever away, used;
worthless...this is what I hear myself saying that is what I am, over and over)
I'm down, drowning it feels like, in depression
yet I'm grateful, life is actually wonderful...I am beautiful
This is what it's like living with Borderline Personality Disorder (for me, when I'm without the stability of medication...writing is my therapy)
I see the defects and self destruction swirling, writing it down
soothes the savage beast, I get to tame me once more...
ah, the beauty of awareness and tools to challenge such negative shit
Demon within - leave, you're not welcome here
stop tormenting me, I choose to not give you power...
you cannot rent space within my ears, I evict you 
Cleansed and free, I wanna be
so, I will not listen to the poor me violin you play...
I will not harm me, in anyway
but I will hug you and love you...
until you fade away.

freeflowpoet