Saturday, February 18, 2012

A Shimmer Of Softness

I'm not immortal, nor do I explode or sparkle in the sun
I don't drink blood and I've moved on from cutting skin
I'm not a monster but I know they exist amongst us
yeah, that's right - I've seen them
I've looked into the eyes of many, seen the emptiness of death within
these beings are devoid of remorse, they feed off the fear they cause
they have twisted and warped motives - they believe their own lies
there is no morals or ethics, their bodies hollow
their souls sucked out and vanished...
to me it doesn't matter if they mutter "I'm sorry"
so the man in the chair will go easy on them...
I'm only human - final judgement is not my card to play
and there are some crimes, one cannot come back from
My only role is one of two choices..
to give in and let madness overtake me, to hand in my soul
to live to the best of my abilities, to grow and let go
myself for all the self blame, all the self hate
for all the anger and rage stuffed within
for all the hurt I inflicted while lost in confusion
for all the drugs and drink I attempted to block out not just feelings and things
but the love from those who really cared
For all the pain and worry I inflicted I own and if you can accept my apologies
then an amends I make...
You don't have to believe me, as I said before
It's alright
I trust that I'm trying to be the person I was meant to be
and my Higher Power
hears me
loves me
forgives me
and acknowledges my humanness and the things I've come back from
I accept the mistakes I've made
and I try to find the lessons from it all
I drop my guards
I let in and out love
I am not a heartless or harmful beast
I am not the negative wrath I once expressed through violence and hate
mistrust and coldness


Wednesday, February 15, 2012


How many times can one's world shatter from under them?
How many times do I have to hear "you're a strong girl"
and be expected to stand right up after a blindsided TKO?
Would it matter if I shared what was really eating me up
and killing me inside?
But if I told you the real reason behind my fears and all these tears...
it wouldn't matter, cause you've been along this roller coaster too
you've never left my side - I kind of think you'd be hurt either way
Yeah, that's right
My hurt, guilt and shame is compounded by the hurt I cause you
(haven't I caused enough and yet still I cause more)
I can't apologize enough, I'm trying to hold my head up
but when you're out of sight, it just drops and I feel like all my muscles are solid steel knots,
Weighting heavily on my chest
I feel like I cannot breathe, like I cannot go on fighting anymore
...but you give me hope, your love and support encourages and soothes me
you're faith in me nurtures and enriches
I see you cry and it tears me apart inside
cause I love you and I so want to protect you from pain
but you are right there by my side
Oh God, I feel so endebted to you...
I don't right now, feel like I'm deserving of any compassion or assistance getting back on my feet
in this dark place I'm sitting in
I'm only deserving of the beating I give myself
I'm only deserving of giving in, all I hear in my head
are the judgements I put in your mouth, that I believe you say behind my back...
Yeah I also hear the reassuring voice of sanity, telling me "that's all lies"
but this constant back and forth battle and physical journey
has me wanting to get down on my knees, has me wanting to pray for an escape
but once I get down - how will I get back up?
I cannot get that image of your tears streaming for my battles, out of my head
I've hurt you so many times
and sorry is just not enough, nothing I could ever do or buy will be
I just want to stop disappointing everyone and myself
I just want to give in
(but I haven't got that in me yet)


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Fluffy bunnies

When you see me for the first time
how will you choose to actually see me? Will you believe the automatic preception
or will you man up and try scaling my walls?
When you try, I swear you'll find a maze of darkness
a tunnel so long you'll lose sight of everything you came believing in
and at the center there'll be a final test...will you break through my graphite core
or will you run screaming how insane I am?
For those who stay, for those who see the cracks and hold their ground
I promise to be someone soft yet true to who I am
so harsh yet loving when we don't see eye to eye
I promise to listen and be the first to admit when I'm wrong
I have a heart, I am just human despite the battle scars and acid words
I'm consumed by fear...aren't most of us?
I'm not quite fluffy bunnies and chocolate...just yet
But you just may find that someday


Monday, February 13, 2012

Though these fingers

Come cheer me up, bring back the smile upon my face
don't you see it's just make believe
You're just so used to the lies, you only wanna hear my positive psycho babble
but you don't see my head hung low
or me watching everything slip through my fingers
Why would anyone care if I did turn away?
Why would it surprise you, if I did just chuck it all in?
This is not just a complaint about a bad day...
I'm feeling the noose tighten
I'm losing time...
I see it all slip, slip through
these tired hands
And I still hear you telling me "it'll be alright"
though I don't see it being OK
One slit, drip
Why amI still awake?
Why am I still feeling everything today?
I guess reality doesn't work either...
just like all the other shit I've tried


Saturday, February 11, 2012

Don't question, just look into these eyes

Would you mind if I caught your tears before they fell from your sweet eyes,
just held them in suspended animation for awhile?
I hear your fears for me, I hear you question why I keep getting up
each time I'm knocked down
believe me it gets hard to find the strength to go on somedays
yet I do cause I have found treasure that makes me so rich within
Each time I've been knocked down
It has been the richness I found within myself...
that flowed from the love you showed me
when you welcomed me home after I rebelled,
even after all I had done and said
you who gave me life, who gave me a heart to love with
and the strength to never give up when the chips fell short
It's in your eyes that I find the silent words that allow me to go on
You give me the grace to trust in my own higher power, to trust my feet will find
the right path I need to be on
Please don't shed tears over me while I still draw breath
cause having my family is the strength and richness that spurs my journey

2012 - for the family I love, who love me for who I am


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Define This...

I poured words out before I even knew half the words I penned
but I knew what toxins emptied out on the page, even before I used em to numb
the evils I had witnessed, survived, committed and would do later on
I've been called so many names and blurred so many labels
cause you can't define what hasn't even thought what it means to exist
fuck, I lived one second to the next just trying to crawl by unnoticed...
while seeking someone who would see me, the real me
not the masks that fit the situations I found myself in
I let the labels fit
I was a fat whimp, a welcome mat for anyone to wipe their feet on
I was a tomboy who hated girly girls...cause you said I was gay (so I had to be butch)
yet I was the sort after flavor of so many men, before I was 10
I wasn't gay, I just wanted to be a child...I hated everyone who wanted anything from me
I was the best friend, the one who could hear all your secrets and keep them
never mind the fact you never knew the secrets I already was holding onto
cause you never asked me why I never smiled
cause you never asked to read the scribbles on the paper littered around
All anyone had to do was read between the lines
All anyone had to do was believe the words I was screaming out
All anyone had to do was ask what the razor blade scars were for
All anyone had to do was ask why I was covered in bruises most days
All anyone had to do was give this child a hug, show real concern n love - not lust or one night sex
All anyone had to do was question why I was high all the time, why I was so angry night n day
Now I'm older and clean n sober
I still don't act like someone I'm not
yep, I'm not the women you'd think your mother would approve of
yet I'm more than you'd ever want, if only you'd take the time to get to know me
And now I've been where I've been
the ones who need to hear the things I never did
are still just like I was then...unknowing of something better inside their reach
but they don't think anyone hears them or will protect them from harm
they don't listen to my words like others didn't back when I was trying to find my place (myself)
What does an old timer have to say that counts?
As much as I wish to save others from making the same mistakes I made
no one can force anyone to change
all I can do is leave the porch light on (thanks mum)
and be there if they come around
cause I still won't be defined - I am who I am