Saturday, December 29, 2012

Best I Can

Veins twist around muscle and bone, snake through me
my head connected to this thumping heart
one, two
one, two, one
one, two...
In my ears I hear each beat, it sounds like the bass in my stereo
I feel the demon stalking in the darkness of my mind
cause that is where I've wandered tonight
I face the world determined to be the mask of a strong women
...but I crumble with fear
I watch the mask drop from my hand, smash on the floor
backed into a corner is how this feels
I struggle just to get one breath into my lungs
My legs run, I've lost control...
but really this is not my weakness, this honesty is my strength
I may have looked as if I was returning to old behaviors
and isolating
but these words prove it's not my will I'm acting from
cause if I was...we all know where this would end
yet I'm still free
and my fears drive me to face the demon within
while you may judge the way I handle my reactions to life on life's terms...
I'm gonna keep on living and doing the best I can


Friday, December 14, 2012


My blood boils
I can't believe the judge denied me justice...again
As I had to put all the years of this rock spider's abuse on paper
then spend a day answering questions, through tears
I couldn't switch off the flashes of his actions and it was so hard not to gag
even my lawyer was sure I'd be compensated for the years of hell I endured
but no
Did I hear him right? Did the judge say he's not awarding me justice cause I won't press charges?
I don't know where the guy is, even if I wanted to have my day in court
He's probably in some single mother's daughter's bed or trying to bed em...
he never cared for discreetness but would brag and boast
And as I read reports of kiddie fiddlers breaching orders or getting off with
nothing more than a slap on the wrist, while scores of victims are locked up in a prison of memories and stench that stains the soul
my blood boils and I can't help but contradict my own morals...never lay judgement
here I can't help myself and just wanna torture these lower slugs in the garden of human beings
I entertain the images of what my self righteous justice would look and feel like...
one bullet to the head would be to easy, so give me the whole barrel to fire...
one shot to the left knee while I stare so intensely into the eyes
(oh GOD the power feels so good, I'm no better in this scenario cause I'm the one now holding the power over another)
one shot to the right knee, come on little spider crawl away...try to run
one shot to the tools of your crime, fuck that hurts hey? Oops did I just stomp down upon your hands as you beg forgiveness and cry pleadingly to me, music to my ears, what was that you said? You didn't hurt you really believe your own bullshit?
If you lower forms of scum really never hurt anyone why the need for protection and identity suppression orders when your crimes come to light?
one shot to the left hand, wound you like Christ going on the cross
one shot to the right hand...revenge sounds so damn good, sounds so better than any sentence a judge could pass down
One last shot, right between the eyes as I stare right into them
then just to release pent up rage and disgust, I slam my foot right through your skull
crush it against the concrete then lay a few damn solid kicks into your shell
A life for a life...that is what every victim of abuse loses when that innocence is stolen away...
You're not worth wasting another day, I don't play with demons anymore
I win everyday I live my life doing my best
It sounds good what I just shared but it's just thoughts written down
I'm not your judge and jury, I don't live by a criminal code of unwritten ethics
You're nothing but a rock spider, but hear my courageous roar
"I will survive, I will rise up and reclaim my power, I will live with Godly principles to the best of my abilities and ask forgiveness when I do pass judgement in disgust and entertain 'street justice'"
I don't have faith in our justice system, I don't trust that judges have the interests of victims at heart...but I pray that may change one day, I pray for protection for all our children and I pray for...
Sorry Lord I can't lie, I can't keep a straight face and say I pray for salvation for these creatures...
I just wanna squish them all!


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Justification of truth & lies

*Warning contains swearing, the topics of suicide, anger and drug references - please seek professional help if you are struggling with such issues, help is available and you are not alone.

I have a swag full of reasons
to justify using
to be the junkie I once was again
As my mind flashes images
and my body automatically reacts
my emotions boil away
in my melting pot
I once hung onto the lyrics 2pac
sang in "Baby keep your head up" #2
"they win when your soul dies"
I believed that enough
to climb down off the chair
and take down the noose
I had made
but it's years later and they've still won
their sins still stain my soul and crush my spirit
Who cares if I live my life...
take my power back?
What difference does it fucking make
when ghosts still haunt my mind
of every night rolled into one
and the blackness swallows me
hands and cocks all over me
my body aches and tenses
all over again
Fuck 2pac
what the fuck does he know
about gang rape
telling girls not to cry...
to keep your head up?
Yeah I can justify self pity,
I can let this and all the other shit
I've crawled through
bury me
overwhelm me
kill me
slowly with a syringe full of speedballs
chased down with a bottle
of Beam or Baileys
Slowly with the fumes from foil or a pipe
smack or speed...
Maybe this insanity will end
with me seeing orange spurts
from a handgun
pointed at me again...
but this time it may be bullets
not pellets
You know what
fuck everyone and everything
I'm expressing darkness
so I can see the beauty of my life,
Yeah I've been through so much
and I could choose to wash in the past
to slip under the pain
drown and choke on
the tears I keep within
There's days when I'm in real pain
when I don't fucking sleep very well for days,
when I feel bloody useless
Yet I know the truth
and as weak or pussy as it sounds
love saves me,
nurtures and nourishes my soul,
reminds me I'm not alone,
I'm worth more than 24/7 misery
All these thoughts
are just words on a page (or recited on stage)
I speak them,
share them
get up and walk away
leave them and go live my life
clean, free and higher within
connected to my higher power
(You know what, actually I do win)


The Real Truth

*WARNING- the following poem focuses on church and institutional sexual abuse

A gentle word here of encouragement
a planting of the seeds of trust and friendship
what changed and why must you cleanse me?
Why is the love you tell me I must learn
different to the safe
protective love I knew before
(now I only question what is it that you want,
or I can get)
You say you're assisting the casting out of my sin
how does shoving your penis down my throat
drive any demons out?
How does your hands reaching inside me
save my soul?
How does you entering inside me
above or behind me,
how does the dirtiness and shame
leave me,
if the only way I can unleash this rage
is actually to hurt you,
to commit another sin
out of wrath
I walk into Dente's favorite sin...
of thyself or you
In purgatory cause my anger
could not die
in my eyes
You told me GOD hated what I made you do
that I twisted his love
that I seduced you
right under his watch!
But this is not the truth
is it "brother",
but this is not the truth is it "father"...
who does sweep it under the rug and closes guilty eyes
You repent by muttering 5 Hail Marys
and then give a weak excuse to move away
while another alter boy swings in the breeze
or wrestles with the disease of drugs and alcohol
too numb to feel
GOD's arms warped around 'em
and the angels of heaven
crying redeeming tears
over the corruption
forced into his children under false teachings of man
The evidence stacked up,
Lady justice's scales are unbalanced
and yet the pope hides his head
statements are released
"There is no sinners in here (insert religion's name)
There is no cover ups
and no hush monies paid"
The sin is repeated within,
memories never die
GOD is loving, it is these 'men' that sin!


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Self Absorbed

I'm feeling so alone and broken inside
the very toughness I prided myself as being
blinded my vision and it hurts when I come crashing to the ground
It doesn't matter to anyone, when you realize how self absorbed you can be
when everyone has walked away, sick of trying to help you
when you've pushed them all away, cause your own fear of your inner truth crushes you
- with a breath taking fear
Everyone sees you in different lights, every room you walk into you just adapt
every time you let another in, is this really you, or just another mask?
I can't explain to every person in my life
that I see the devil inside this angelic face, that the harder I try to pretend he doesn't exist
the louder he talks inside my head, the tighter he grips the reins of everything I've worked so hard to keep innocent and pure in my life
I feel every drop of blood that he squeezes out my heart, the closer to my own innocence I move
I feel every tear that escapes from my eyes when another is driven from my life...
when my actions drive you away, when I drop the ball and show the cards in my hand
that the hardness I pride myself upon is more important than the niceness you try to bring about in me...
have you ever thought I don't need to change for every person who crosses my path?
Have you ever considered that there's a reason cracks appear in the girly image you tell me is really who I am?
That maybe I just might be the armor of man's sin for a reason
that this devil inside me feeds a drive to eradicate other's evilness and serves a greater good purpose being locked inside me...
Tell me why is it so important for me to be who you think is the ideal image of a gender?
Don't try and tell me I'm aggressive and self obsessed cause you're to afraid to be anymore than wounded by what's going on inside your own I'm a mind reader, like I take notice of every little change on Facebook
Look I'm sorry shit's happening in your world as well but I'm not in sync with your importance...
guess we all get a little self absorbed sometimes