Saturday, February 26, 2011

Defending dishonor

If my death was brought forth by your hand
I'd still defend your name as I drew my last
I'd give you my last drop of blood, just so you would live on
Treat me badly baby, it's OK
I'll die defending your honor, no matter the shit you do
no matter the amount of times you abuse my values
and kind soul
You can't do wrong by me
I'm so deluded by the belief in loyalty...
even though time and time again
It's been proven by the war wounds I bare
that I'm the only one dumb enough to believe
in such a stupid concept these days
and yet as the slap across my face still stings
I'm here defending your dishonor
Tears roll down my face cause I
never expected it to be you
to be the one
stuck the knife firmly in my back
then lay the boots in
as I lay dying in the lies you spun


Thursday, February 24, 2011

Out of the shadows

Voices raging in my head, screaming evil demands
tormenting this mere man
twisting my words, trying to bend my promises, throwing my morals and ethics back in my face
Everywhere I look, everything I see and hear seems to be vices
the monkey on my back has started up again, fuck he's been quiet for 12 years...
I feel like no one understands that I'm standing on the base plate
(this feels dark and haunting like it was back at day one)
I try to remind myself of all the misery and destruction
the shadow that tears you apart from the inside, the truth that is addiction
- there's no such thing as "only once or just one"
"Go on have a 'free' taste, see how good I make you feel, see how I melt all your troubles away"
"watch how self confident I make you feel, watch how popular I make you with the 'in' crowd"
'I' will give you all you've ever dreamed of, 'I' will make you soar above everything human
'I' will make you feel invincible, 'I' will make you God and feel untouchable...
LIES, ALL LIES, the truth is more like -
'I' will surge through you and turn on senses you never felt, but only once - just to get you hooked on me, you will crave and desire 'my' chemical kiss...but never achieve it again like the first time
'I' will draw you into a world of association, as long as you have 'me' those around you will worship the ground you crawl on (but it's 'me' they want...which you won't see)
'I' will supply you all the warmth you'll sell your soul to have 'me' inside you
time and time again
'I' will make you feel like God or whatever your fantasy is
'I' will have you believe everyone hates our new 'friendship'
'I' will have you push everyone away from you who cares...'I'm' all you NEED
will 'I' reveal 'my' true desire
no longer is your soul just enough, no longer is tearing apart your self esteem and loved ones,
no longer is controlling your every thought, want and whim
no longer is your life enough...
'I' want you dead
that is 'my' payment for everything 'I've' destroyed about you and your troubles
that is 'my' reward for making your life (Oh what did you say in our first dance?) care free!


Monday, February 21, 2011

Made Man Or Mad Man

My struggles shouldn't be a vehicle for more sin
take a look in the mirror Mr Mainstream
screaming in the mic how the streets made you
how you done it tough, ran with the rough
sold drugs just to survive, ripped off your fellow man just to make some cash
I tell of my past indiscretions and the craziness inside my head
I speak with the intensity of the emotions raging through me, then and now
I don't need to talk up my crimes, or feed you lies
Take what you will from my words
either you'll judge and condemn me or listen to my wisdom
in between the conflict and insanity of the place I grew from (not in)
Don't bother trying to tell me how I'm just jealous of your money and fame
just ask yourself once
how many of your friends and fellow men from your area code
still live and die the same way you did?
Just what has your words changed man, besides making your lifestyle seem cool and right?
You say you're down with the Lord, you wear and bare a cross
for what?
Redemption comes not from mere words, empty 'forgive me Fathers'
but the lessons we learn from the mistakes we've made
the wrongs we try to right...
I'd rather sleep with my conscience at night, then the money you've made
yeah it'd buy me more comfort and luxury in this life
but at what price?


Monday, February 14, 2011


I'm burning up from the inside out
I feel sick and there's a layer of sweat forming from head to toe
there's nothing that I can hear and see around me...
but bottles and syringes,
alcohol and heroin, pills and blow
I'm shaking in my own skin, scared because everything I know
doesn't matter right now
I have a hunger no food can touch
A thirst no liquid can quench
I need to remember
feeling alone,
feeling scared of myself,
feeling trapped
I reach out for a helping hand...silence
I know I'm not alone,
but this monkey won't quit it...
I have to remember how I got here...

Monday, February 7, 2011

Clean n Sober...I Choose This

Walk down the haunted, empty streets of my former life
see all the burnt out shells of bridges and litter lined urine smelling alley ways
my head rested, as I'd passed out again
So much destruction I masked and called fun
while inside my organs, heart and soul were dying and decaying...
8 years or so sober, 12 years (nearly 13 now) clean
- This I choose
every waking moment,
every new day I open my eyes to see.


Sunday, February 6, 2011

A Bully's End (Sweet Revenge)


Pale against the knife's blade, little trembles push goosebumps against it
I swim in the power your fear gives me
go on bitch tell me again all those names and things you called me
Oh what only now you're sorry!...
I know you're just spitting out words to try and sooth the beast unleashed within me
here, feel the pain you caused me, over and over
I give it all back to you bully
and teach you not to underestimate those you think are weaker then yourself
You've pushed me once too often
now I'll make you sorry
Oh stop crying little bitch, you're the one who's pathetic now,
I hate you, I hate you, I fucken hate you!
Rivers run red down pale white skin
blood on my hands
and in the end you lie limp in the darkness of an empty street
discarded trash, taking your true place...
face down in the dirty gutter
and to finish off your nightmare, I seal the coffin lid shut
with a sickening stomp...
crushing down upon your head.
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight


Thursday, February 3, 2011

See it, Hear it - Live it

Do you really believe I'm a renegade?
I've filled many shoes in my short life, guess I'll fill many more
I've been innocence
I've been purity
I've been a sinner
I've been a criminal - in the blindfolded eyes of Ms Justice
I've been a victim...she really doesn't care to hear of my struggles
but I care to tell em
and yes I care that you, choose to listen
May my lessons be a road map for another lost soul
may I find redemption and forgiveness in my 'Father's' eyes
may my voice be heard by those also trapped by circumstance or vice
may I leave this life, when it is time,
known as a guide (not a leader and not a sheep)
for I keep it real and only hope my experiences, pain and victories
show that there is light in dark times
and beauty in this world


Who knows who?

Go on try to penetrate the granite around my heart
you think cause I'm so open with my experiences and thoughts
that I'm an open book, a soft touch, a push over
I give you hints and insights into what has been my world
I share to heal and heal to maybe teach another lost soul faith,
faith that there is beauty, kindness and justice in this world...
and still you judge
I scream inside my head, just wanting you to shut up and really hear my words
(and the meanings hidden in waterless tears and emotions in my voice)
when will you stop trying to make sense of what you see with just your eyes,
and actually see who I am with your heart and then your mind?
Have you not heard that we, as in 'men'
discriminate, alienate, abuse and kill
then justify it in the name of 'God'...
and yet is not every religions' interpretation of 'God'
purity and love?
A demon is not a monster of hell, but a monster called
perverted free will...
'I am the psychologists' perfect subject'...
for everything I've been through, I am not a true reflection
but I have imploded and exploded, progressed and regressed,
learnt and relearnt, been wired only to rewire myself
Who knows who the real me really is?
Do you, Do I...
or do we both only think we know?
What is growth then...


Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Sweet soft gentle hands

cup my face like velvet gloves

Red ruby lips quiver under flowing tears

Like innocent babes

I only want

to be pure.


Lowering The Guard

I want to lower my guard, let you get inside my head
show you the whole other side of me, the one who won't bite and bark
Behind all the walls and hard masks, you'll find
a sweet soul who misses out on so much, much of the time
she is a play thing to my demons, and it pains my heart to know
but I can manage better if it's her inside then this part I show...
If you were to be a friend of mine, i'd be the best you'd have
for you i'd be loyal to, caring, kind and compassionate
I'd hear your concerns and listen when you talked, i'd give my shoulder for your tears
and never dismiss your fears
I'm the type of friend and lover who if you treat me right,
would lay down my life for you, would never cheat or mean to harm
See I'm not really this hard case I present, it's just a mask
I'm really quite a sensitive soul who loves
simple things, like the colors of a rainbow
and smiles that reach all the way to the heart
My only real annoying flaw is this side of me I'm not accustomed with,
you see my true nature is super sensitive and I'm very easily hurt
But the good points out way the bad in me, 100 fold
and if I only could lower the guard and let more people in
everyone would have a chance to experience
the real side of me.


What Would Tupac Say?

Tupac once sang "They win when your soul dies" in a song about gang rape,
he tried to picture what it'd be like "with 3-4 crazed niggers grabbing me"
well If he stood before me, I'd have to ask..
what would you think about it being 9 or 10?
What would you think about the stranger who, as i begged for his help
just stood aside laughing saying "nah I don't want apart of that"?
What would he think of the two cops in their car, who drove by two streets away, but never stopped?
What would he think if I told him, those 9 or 10 ran off when they saw the coppers,
leaving the stranger standing there looking at me,
and what would he say if when I softly cried instead of comforting me
he f***ing finished me off?
Some people wonder why I can't walk down a certain street anymore,
some even question why I suffer nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks...
if only they knew, I'd lived with sexual abuse since I was 7 years old,
strangers, friends, friends of friends and even ex coppers too.
I may be strong as I stand here now, laying it all down for you
but there's still days when the old self harm scars scream "just cut here again"
and tears never cease to run...
If Tupac stood before me, would he still sing the same song?
And now you have heard me, would you forgive my expressed rage, every now and then?
And would you allow my tears if I was to cry, or be like most of the others I know,
wipe them dry or walk on by?


God If I've Ever Needed You

To the power of our higher power

God I need your guidance, I've never been so afraid
This gift of verse, this curse of word
hit me like a barrage of demons from hell, today
My mind was plagued with images of my own dark suicide
I couldn't escape, couldn't sleep, couldn't wake, couldn't scream
Words finally after years of never being read, have sunk in...
I thought I'd healed, but the wounds still fresh within
no words from Tupac or any mortal can help me right now, Lord
I pray for your guidance, I pray for your presence to be known in my heart
calm this chaos, banish these demons from my dreams
Be a soft arm around my tortured soul, walk with me tonight
comfort the soul of a hurting child, your child
Show me not to fear tears, show me not to fear my words,
show me the strength you're taught me, while I'm blinded by my enemies...
banish them from my mind, guide me into your light tonight,
while I walk through the darkness of man's crimes against the flesh
and learn what lessons I may
In your name I pray


Who Am I

Want to hear the truth...
I don't think you'd understand my truth
I think you'll just see the surface and not below it, the depth of me
I'm not afraid of your judgments and labels
If i'm insane in your eyes then so be it, cause I'm used to what's inside
and we're only as sick as the secrets we hide
Welcome to my place, you'll find darkness at first
but stay awhile and you'll soon see the light
your eyes will adjust, if you don't run away first
'Feel your fear and do it anyway', step to me and embrace what I release to feed...
your mind
I'm a 27 year old body with a 500 year old soul
I've tasted my own doom and I've tasted my own salvation
I've cut here and sliced there, up and around, down and across
bare naked skin, I've felt the warmth and still crave that heat
every now and then
like a lover's sweet lips, missed
I've ran until I fell off the edge of the world and I kept running...
This is my journey, it's my story and yes it's about and now!
I keep wanting life while inside I want the whisper of death's softness,
a peace you can't fake or buy on any street
God keeps me safe from the lure of a false want, this lie within
God keeps love strong in my mind and heart
when the tears I hold onto drown me,
everything I've seen and felt allows me to breathe, even when it seems to much
what has not killed me will and has made me stronger
I just tell it how it comes
I'm not afraid to say these are my thoughts, this is what's going on for me
I'm not afraid to say I'm scared and feeling down
I'm not afraid of knowing I could harm myself...
It is this truth that allows me not to!


3 little words

Don't fool yourself,
don't take my love so seriously
I'll be the one who leaves before
you can even prove those 3 little words
left around my lips and body
with your soft smooth touch,
"I love you" written on the mirror
left on the coffee table
kicked out the door before
the ink sets on my heart
with your echoing voice
Don't fool yourself,
don't think these tears are falling
cause I love you
I'm meaning every word
the acid sting of my coldness
is real
I can't love you cause I'll only hurt you
and you'll only end up hating me
so I'll hate you first,
so I'll hurt you before it's your turn
just to protect you, please understand...
This old heart rattles instead of beats
it shakes and creeks
and bleeds old blood from unhealable wounds
put there by shadows of 'man'
and actions of demons in my soul, plundering always
put there by my hard ass stance
to protect the grave site
of the innocence that once was
all the love I dreamed of giving to
someone like you
but that was many blue moons gone...
Those 3 little words are hollow from my lips,
hard to make the sound and expel from my mouth
but true within my heart, hidden from your view



Damn, you're so beautiful
if I could take out my eyes and give them to you
in a mirror you'd see why they smile
every time I lock gaze with you
Damn, you're so beautiful

I've been shallow before
took a chance based only on looks
but man, you're so much more
everything about you, inside and out
highlights attraction, me to you
Damn, you're so beautiful

Gentle soul
so honest and compassionate
so lovable and loving
so loyal and protective (in a good way)
so sensitive and open (like an enjoyable book)
so imperfect, yet comfortable about your
supposed flaws
Damn, you're so beautiful

So perfect in my eyes...

I think you're so out of my league (inside my head)
but if I was to lower my guards,
invite you in (give you my heart)
could you take a chance,
on loving me?

Cause baby these words don't come easy
but every word is true
I could so easily see me loving you
hoping you could see (you and me)

Could you take a chance on us?
Damn, you're so beautiful


Hush Little Child

Forgive my silence (it maybe for awhile)
there's a storm brewing within my heart
and I'm just a loner standing on the shore
(wind blowing through me, not a stir but for the sand)
All these images for dramatic effect now,
to draw attention away from my falling tears
My mind is still in this moment
(hush child the pain has settled now)
yet the self reflection that is starting within
cripples and scares me, tonight
(mother where are you, please hold me tight)
I'm afraid to hear my real truth,
my truth learnt and held on to
about love and intimacy
Cause I know all the conflict and lies
(well maybe they're not lies...that's what I'm afraid of)
Hush little child I've not gone away
I'm standing by your side tonight
Forgive my silence (it maybe for awhile)
there's quiet reflection going on
deep inside a healing heart


Concrete Jungle

Just a leaf out of the dark pages of my 'other' personality!!!

Stalking the shadows who don't belong wandering around my hood
Creeping amongst the ever grey buildings and houses lining these streets
baseball bat covered with filed sharp nails,
raised ready to inflict some thuggish revenge
under the guise of thuggish justice
The cold winds blowing through me just as chilled as my heart
I'm in the mood to show the world my hate and rage,
since my earliest memory was of the world hell bent on destorying me
so here's my pay back...
Welcome to the darkness of this concrete jungle, dark like my desire to hurt you
Come walk around the dry cracked stomping grounds of the monster within
I'm the demon thrown out of hell, cause I was to much for the devil himself
and as I grew into self destruction, taught by your educators and institutions
the child inside curled up and died
when I released a barrage of bullets
from my own gun
pressed firmly against her little innocent head...
If you want to f**k this 'man', then I'll steal her purity from all our grasps
gasp at the harshness of my words
Question how a child of God can become so hard,
Then look beyond what you watch on the world news...
And take another look in that broken mirror I smashed with my fists
before I walked out of childhood into the monster
standing in front of you, middle fingers up
screaming f**k all your constitutions and rules
I'll live my life on my own terms, a free 'man'...
Well as free as I can under your freedom acts
that are meant to protect the innocence of your countrymen
but only act to condemn!

*evil smirk*



Down beside the bed
in the howling winds of this darkness swallowing me
I'm searching for God in the depths of hell
with dry tears staining my face, the only light (fading fast) left in this place
I plead with the demons tormenting my mind to let me be
I'm searching for other lost souls, searching to save me...
for God sacrificed one to many angels trying to reach me,
trying to get me to hear the plan in the winds
and as I lay my weapons and hate bare before the darkness that consumed me
and testify to the change that has started shifting somewhere deep within
to anyone who'll listen
I pray I'll find redemption in my fathers' eyes
and my own


Seeing through me

What do I have to do?

Walking down the Devils' road, arms out inviting you to save me

come on allow me to go home, collect me as you drive by

(drive by)

The path you want to take has a detour tonight baby,

the path has a suprise for you to spend the rest of your life reliving

while mine will just fade into oblivion

if you do this one little deed here tonight

come on allow me to go home, collect me as you drive by

(drive by)

Young and stupid, a lost soul in hell

tried to buy a one way ticket to heaven, while walking through the fires of hell

Crying here only brought more pain, they tore apart everything I had to bring

stripped me bare and then stripped some more

I only dreamt to be seen by someone who could teach me real love

I only wanted to be seen, not seen through

come on allow me to come home, collect me in the drive by

(drive by)


We're Through (The Wrath Is Back)

You don't want to know me

when I'm coming from this dark place,

when I'm in this head space,

the coldness of my heart shows

Every word I speak reflects the vemon

running through my veins

So I'm the sweetest so and so around am I?

So you believe you really know me?

Where were you when I walked the firey roads of hell alone

(You've not known me from birth),

So you're my friend are you?

Where are you these days then?

Our phone calls are getting less and less,

our time spent together has become non-existant

I'm the one who always phones, have you lost my digits

after all this time?

Friendship is a two way street

and I'm turning my back and walking away

from this dead end road.

I hope you hear these words,

I hope they sting like your silence

(feels like an open handed slap to the face)

Your praise of how far I've come

is getting like a tape, old

You deny the spite in the hardass

I came out the womb as,

you deny the hardass

cause you don't like

the truth I've been through or speak of

"That's in the past, you used that to grow"

The past made me this monster standing here now, raw

and my hate is more than just a passing phase

I won't forgive you tomorrow, I won't forgive you again

(and again, and again)

Oh I'm being oversensitive am I?

I hope your tears sting your skin

like these words tear strips from your heart...

We're over,

We're done,

No longer friends.



You'll never get to know me fully,

there's to many secrets hidden amongst my heart and soul,

I'll never let you in that far, never let you inside my world

You'll say you'll be there, by my side

You'll say you'll be there to weather all the storms

You'll say you'll love me through all the pain I need to walk through

and baby I believe you


I'll say I'm glad it's you here with me, by my side

I'll say they're not your storms to weather, honey

I'll say anything that'll hurt you...

just to push you away,

just to prove your resolve is false, your love to be hollow

when things get hard, and with me baby they will

But amongst these tears I can't help but mumble how confused I am inside

cause baby I really do love you!



I'm laying bare my truths amongst these postings

tears forming poems like fingers dancing on the keyboard

I'm peeling away every layer of myself

exposing my emotions, feelings and thoughts

but do you hear anything of the spaces

between my words,

that elude and skim the edges of a reality

I've lived more than half my life?

No matter how hard you find digesting my words

I find it harder to carry them within and live with the after effects

your silence isn't golden, it's denial...

and that hurts and harms more than myself

If I open one set of eyes,

If I assist one 'child of sufference' to find their voice

and so speak out against the evils some monsters inflict on innocence

then my own experiences have not

been in vain

I will continue to write amongst your silence,

I will continue to feel what I do,

I will continue to not let the masses gag me,

I will continue to grow and overcome

the wrongs that have been done to me

I will not just fade away

or lay down and drown

in heavy held back tears (I'll cry freely if I need to)

nor will I

drown within a heavy heart.

I'll not let myself be a powerless victim,

my words shall be my jury granting me my freedom

and perhaps I shall release another from their darkened trap.


Beyond Hell, Far From Heaven

A noose swings in the chilly breeze

beyond hell, far from heaven have I fallen this time

In a sea of my own demons I'm drowning

pulled down by the weight of burden and scerets

kept deep within the burning chambers of a frozen heart

You wouldn't understand

even if you could,

I'd walk away - a ghost in your falling tears

at my gravesite

Just a whisper in the winds time will forget...

Swinging to the tune of a lonely death

one last laboured breath,

Do you hear the rope creak under my hanging weight?


I fall, forever falling...

until I open my eyes in fear at what I've done


all is but the nightmares of pain being



Personality Wise

Physical body, blood, water, skin and bone

Personality wise...unknown

Who you see interact, Is that really me?

Cause depending on who I ask-

my traits seem to change

and when I stare within myself

I'm numb to who I really am

or maybe I just don't want to know-

like the truth might just scare me so...

Am I hiding Hyde or Jekell inside me

who do I let you see?

And who is it who sees the real me,

not just the niceties that attract

or the masks I wear

but the whole complex mash of traits

passed down, learnt, or activated by other 'forces at work',

who has seen the whole humanness of me,

Am I an angelic demon or a demonic angel,

am I neither or am I both,

what really makes (or should that read shapes) me,

is it my genes, social or environmental things?

The main question purposed is:

Just who am I?



I can't cry,

my tear ducts are blocked up by denial

I've got such a bad case of reflux

I'm choking on my heart

while it beats forcabliy in my throat

Stuff the butterflies in your stomach feelings,

I've got home made 'issue' bombs

the shock waves reverting all over my frayed nerves

My mind is a four lane super highway

in congested peak hour rush

while my hand is so tense it just grips the pen

until it snaps...

I'm hovering over a blank page

I wanna write what's going on,

I wanna talk it out

but my arms are aching, veins screaming


What the f**k am I saying?

Why do people disappoint me?

Why do good people get sick?

What did I do to deserve all this torment?

Why do people continue to drink alcohol to excess

when they know it's

only hurting them more...

not to mention me?

Don't bother answering

I know the f**king answers

I'm just to low to care

I'm in the mist of my own inner battles again

The noise inside my head

I'd perfer the wail of a banshee instead!

I'm not going to give you a guilt trip,

I'm not going to continue to seek attention

-I'll still be here tomorrow,

my veins won't burst if I leave my skin intact

and my racing mind will settle soon...

Just heed my warning

While I'm in this mood

"You may as well go pat a rabid pitbull"!



Sometimes this child inside just sees all the hurt and pain in this world

and her tears from her heart fall from my eyes

and I have to fight even harder to get right down deep, beside her inside

take her in comforting arms my higher power provides me with

and remind her of all the beauty that shines through that pain she sees...

This is the power of our journeys, the power of every smile we conjure up

amongst our frowns...

That's why the sky is so beautifully pale blue on a nice day

That's why the red rose looks so beautiful amongst the weeds

That's why we all are special,

cause 'He' sees and loves us never the less


Tender Tears

Tender tears touch your face

they add softness to you features

but you just hang your head

Is that shame, I see?

A gentle hand cups your face

(You're not to blame)

Tenderly without words, I say

"Baby it's gonna be alright"

I know you need to hear that now

I know I can't reach inside

and take away all your pain

or settle all your fears

but I can help you find

a little more strength within

just by letting you know you're not alone,

I'm right by your side

Go on feel free to cry,

my sweet innocent child

"it's gonna be alright"



While your conscience 'talks' to you,

quietly in your head

I have comic bubbles filling up all the space,

thoughts racing like I was at a GP track

my mind, Screams and cries out

You're labelled 'normal'

I'm labelled disordered, Borderline

but that's not ME,

it's just my ideas and thoughts within

I can hold a conversation

and it all makes sense

I can do anything I'm capable of doing,

just like you

And yet you still

discriminate and judge

cause you don't understand,

cause I choose not to be afraid or ashamed

of labels,

Cause that's not ME