Thursday, December 14, 2017

Metamorphosis (Spread thy wings)

***high trigger content, abuse topic***

Memories, bullets leaving the barrel
no sound but the orange spuirt, vivid
like I was standing looking down it again
back there
Don't know if it's disassociation from my trauma...
or that I've grown to know I was a victim then but not anymore, that like a butterfly
full metamorphosis
Young, wreckless, wild
a child high and drunk, but sober from fear...
the kind that allowed me to fight
til that, like my innocence was stolen to
A group approached, hands pinning me against a wall, hands wondering all over me
kisses forced, stale ciggerettes and alcohol
(so powerful, I can describe it)
laughter, it was (I was) a joke to them,
fair game, meat on a rack in an open market,
except here it seemed acceptable to 'try before you buy'
Darkness, the night, once a sweet friend... no cover here this moment...
A cop car drove past, 3 streets away
they didn't see us, but they saw them
that was enough for them to discard me and run...
Still feel the tears, see myself trembling
I'm watching this as I'm retelling it, that child, so helpless, so scared, numb... I'm numb
A 'good samaritan' passes by, said he witnessed it all, said let him help
I let him be my feet, let him lead...
hang on, this alley is a dead end, there's no cop shop here, just an overpowering smell of rubbish & urine and some street hobo
(who won't leave)
My 'saviour' mutters something and we're moving again
I remember the park, train lines above, Yarra river beside (how fitting that a casino now sits across from this spot...I still remember where this was, but no faces...Nothing except mine)
People pass us by, I try to get their attention
I'm muffled by his embrace...
I'm pushed down on the ground...
he finished off the scrap, discared earlier
(Silent pause)
There's a reason why I wear hardness as a mask...It became a face instead, it had to...
or I wouldn't have survived
There's a reason why it's important to acknowledge my growth, why life deserves to be purposeful and cherished...
For that little girl I once was, for the child I lost through that
For any other lost human, who needs someone to assist them to find their voice,
to cast off the shackles of guilt and shame...
that feels so overwhelming, so heavy sometimes
but isn't mine (or their's)
It's still a scar, the wound healed but still there
I'm not my experiences, they are apart of my story but they are not what defines me
I'm not afraid to be this vulnerable and raw in my truth (just not to the world sometimes)...
that's why I still hide my true self, at times,
that softness, a belief in humanity still having goodness flowing through it...
in myself


Monday, December 4, 2017

Don't Ask

Don't ask me how I am
I'll wear a smile, while my heart's breaking
on the inside
I'm fucking angry...
my head torments me, telling me lies
(dressed as truth)
Would you still be here, and not as the ghosts haunting my memories 
I know I wouldn't have changed the paths taken, just stalled the inevitable
nothing I should've/could've said, would've kept the (hearts) beating (song of life)
I'm back at that point in time, you using, me saying no
Standing in front of myself yelling "tell someone", tears streaming cause I relive losing you...but I'm the one turning blue (you just become another memory I miss)
I'm back in that point of time, reading your texts... replying instead of just waiting for another time (that'll never come)...
angry, cause whenever I press send
they just bounce back
Angry that I never got to see you, where I am now
Angry that I never got to tell you
I don't hate you, I understand that darkness you were lost in
I'll never get to see your infectious smile...
Angry at this disease 
for taking you so young
that some get it, some don't 
at another senseless loss,
that makes sense to a soul who's been there
Having fucking empathy
doesn't make it any easier to swallow
It hurts saying goodbye (echoing)


Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I Know They're Lies Today

Listening to a rapper,
spitting lines about not feeling like a person
cause a man took their innocence,
told them a ton of lies, like
Shh, this love is between us, don't tell anyone
It'll tear your loved ones apart, to know I love you more...
I remember being told so many justifications,
I remember being humiliated, when I spoke up
I remember being ignored (like it was some kind of joke, I just didn't get)...I took it to mean no one gave a fuck, when this was supposed to be wrong, I took that to mean I wasn't worth defending, I deserved this (over and over, for years).
It's taken time and there's still lingering scars
I can't shake, but accommodate now
There's still times when those lies try and scream, for my attention
but I know the truth
know I'm not responsible for those crimes against me,
I know I'm only responsible for how I react now
and I care for my inner child, (unlike she was cared for when I was her)
My self worth may wane at times,
though I'm actually proud of how I turned out,
once I stopped running, numbing and harming myself
Once I started healing me, once I challenged what I felt and believed (saw it for what it was, reactions to lies)
I love who I am
I love that I survived...
Nah, scrap that...
I love that today I choose to thrive


Saturday, November 4, 2017


I outstretch my hand to invite you in
let you share this stage, with me
only to twirl away, flashing teasing eyes and a cheeky grin
I drop to the floor, watch the curiosity upon your face
I draw you back in with an invitation, call you back with a movement of my finger
jump back up to my feet,
stand in your personal space
then without warning, I shove you away
and spin away, out of reach
I see the frustration cloud your beautiful face,
I slide over, run my gentlest touch over your features (shh), wrap my arms around you
hold the embrace, slow the tempo down
slow dance, walk in life with you
I see the uncertainty in your eyes, I'm afraid to
How dare you even think about leaving me here, alone
I run my hands down your chest, place my palms against your beating heart
Bang, thud, crash
I push you down hard, away from me
I desperately reach out for your arms, as you turn away
No, please don't leave me (I don't want you, yes I do, I hate you, no I don't, you're gonna hurt me, so i'll hurt me for you, I'll leave you first)


Thursday, August 10, 2017

*trigger warning* Drowning in Shame...

Memories in the form of demons
crawling from the dark depths of the pit
of my stomach, churning 
Invisible tears fall from my eyes, while the smile sits there, upon my lips
Stigma silences my voice like duct tape slapped over my mouth
snaking around my throat and my heart
Innocence imploding, ripples assaulting me like I was reliving everything, once more
Fighting myself, in two minds
freeflow vs shame (shame's winning)
I'm comfortable with my sexuality
I'm even comfortable with you assuming I'm gay... but I'm not comfortable when that's disrespected and my dignity is disregarded 
Like it has been, more than once in my life
and I've been triggered lately
memories like demons back...
drowning here in shame, I know you hear what this is about,
though I'm still drowning in shame...alone


Saturday, July 22, 2017


Shove my expression back into the dark recesses of my dungeon, where my memories stain the walls of the rough years
Into the abyss where demons came to torment the child you threw into hell, expecting me to burn, to die a living death
Were you suprised when bones started piling up in your pristine, white picketed fenced yard...
Were you afraid of what prying eyes would say about the blood splatter I sprayed all over your first prize rose bushes & perfect little house, as I slaughtered every demon sent my way?
Did I shock you when I climbed out the crevice in the cracked concrete
that formed after I rumbled with the devil...
and won?
Who am I referring to in my narrative, in this script, ooh yeah, it'll satisfy your crave for gossip if I named the links of my shackles,
wouldn't it?
Maybe it's a she, maybe a he, maybe an institution, maybe a flawed system of a decaying society, maybe it's myself,
maybe it's you
Take your tissues and just leave em there on the table, I'll take one when I'm ready
Not just cause you're uncomfortable with my vulnerabilities and raw emotions 
stop trying to fix me, I'm not broken
(a little chipped and scarred)
I don't need rescuing, I'm already in a better place
My past doesn't define me, yeah it has shaped some of my quirks and defective coping mechanisms...
but I am the warrior I am
I am happier with who that is
for today


Addict's demise

A finger snuffing out a flame

one door slams shut, the window another way in

skin torn as you worm through the intact glass

Eyes fail to adjust in the night

cause you're so used to the darkness of depression's veil, second nature this bitter slashing cold rain

There's no sunshine in this place

I hear the taste in every word that contorts from that void deep where a flower once bloomed

the stench of desperation drips from your pin prick irises

Hands of zombie decay, dollars crumble as the bubbles form and swirl with the steel sting

mixing up again

Searching for a way out

searching for a temporary escape from the purtory of living death

just searching for life

but it's a black widow's dance...

and the antidote's just out of reach


Monday, June 19, 2017


You read my words

but you don't see me as I was, living it (my story)

You read my words

but you don't know me

You read my words

but you don't see me, transparent without masks, costumes or walls

You only see the letters forming words

but not the experience that allows me to pen them

I wish I could feel someone's hand comforting me

I wish I could see your tears as the words form sentences and therefore the narrative

I wish I could hear your words of empathy...

Instead of my own voice, verbalising self actualisation and soothing comfort

I wish I could write of the light, the fire in my heart

I see in my offerings before you

Cause many just see the darkness and think they see my version of hell, lived (survived)

but the light is where beauty lies

cause that's where my resilience grows,

my hand breaking out the ground of where I was thrown in the abyss, where I was buried & left... 

I'm not dead, nor broken beyond reconstruction (the rebuild has just begun)


Sunday, May 28, 2017


I'll unzip my skin and show you the bones that make up my skeletons within,
I don't forget the sins I've committed, I know I once justified every single one of them
I don't forget the things done to me, nor do I waste time forgiving those who don't see the wrong in how they abuse kids or traded my innocence trying to protect others...
I don't hate anyone of them, it's their behaviours and attitudes I dislike
I pray they all have their eyes opened and they find some happiness and peace, mercy and compassion,
despite my humanness screaming castrate em all and let em drown in their own misery, none of em deserve mercy or second chances...but that's a reaction of a scarred mind, not of a changed heart..
I was given a second change, over and over again
and when I did change, the ones who wanted me to change fell off or tried to drag me back to that darkness of hell,
So I walked away for the sake of my own survival and so I didn't corrupt my heart again, trying to rescue and save others...that ain't my place, I get that now, I understand it now...I'm the only one I can save and change
those attitudes and behaviours aren't acceptable when I accepted them aimed at me, nor are they acceptable for me to just brush aside, when dumped upon others...
that's just not acceptable, full stop (thank you for showing me another way, how to love another, how to love myself...that it's ok to walk away)


Saturday, May 27, 2017

If God's not Real...

I still remember how the rope felt against my neck
I still recall the tears of anger & betrayal trailing down my face
how they felt drying upon my skin
Tupac playing in the background,
Noone but God knowing where I was, what I was about to do
Noone to hear this child's cries, all alone in a crowd of people, all doing their own thing
Tethering on the edge of milk creates stacked up,
One step forward...
down I tumbled...
If God's not real, explain to me how the rope snapped as Tupac's words "they win when your soul dies" played,
explain to me, how I'm still alive, how I survived all the trauma I waded through,
how hell never claimed me, but I slaughtered my demons & rose up from the battlefields...alive, ready to thrive 


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Test me

A mountain in my path
You think that's gonna stop me?
Why does it feel like the world is against me, I only want to achieve my heart's desire 
Why does it feel like I keep getting fucked over?
Go on, keep pushing my limits
I'll only find new heights to scale
Go on, keep testing my resolve, my patience, just keep blocking my path...
I promise I'll make you regret thinking this one 'man' is a push over,
I promise I will make you regret bringing the fight out in me
No, I will not back down
No, I will not let you take away my rights,
while trying to charge me full price (while expecting me to do all the work, including yours)
Go on, keep pushing me
I promise I will KO you & everything you bring to hold me down, I'll destroy it all
and be the last 'man' standing, in this war you wage against me
I'll keep rising above all my adversities...
cause it's not my will driving me on
So I know how this will end
(this is my victory, this is for all the voiceless innocents who have, are or will be harmed...I won't stop fighting the good fight)
Just keep trying me, bring it (bring it on)


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Not Your Generalisations

You say self harm is about feeling some control over the pain
felt within, that is so overwhelming & out of their hands
That wasn't my story...
Don't you always say each person is an individual and there's no box people fit into,
Don't you always say there's no one theory that conforms to everybody that a therapist sees...
then stop telling me what my reasons are, for the maladaptive mechanisms I used to get through things I had no words for
I slit my skin, over and over
just so I saw the blood run, cause when it did
I knew that even though I was emotionally numb or so wound up in wrath nothing mattered, nothing hurt more than not knowing what emotions were
That red liquid was my heart beat, I couldn't feel beating in my chest,
that red liquid was life leaking out my essence,
it was letting me know it's ok child, you're still alive
amongst the numbness, amongst the hell I wandered around in
Don't tell me I push people away, cause I'm scared of abandonment or rejection,
my truth is, I'm scared of more than that,
I'm afraid of being the one to hurt you, to physically or emotionally harm those I'm meant to love
I know the love me/leave me dance, oh so well
I could fucking teach it
How do you explain to someone you love with every fibre in you
that their very touch drives me out of my own self
that no matter what they say or how they show you it's ok,
that it's not enough to keep me connected...
that, that very action causes me so much guilt and shame
I push you away before that even gets a chance to play out?
How do I explain my reasoning, when all you as a supposed professional do
is fucking label me with generalisations and pigeon holed boxes?
What happened to this being about my narrative, my story, my experience?
Don't tell me I'm stuck playing out the same relationship patterns, just cause you've been taught attachment theory 
cause people change, people grow (sometimes)
cause I learnt early on, why I act the way I do in relationships 
and it's not something I wanna keep repeating,
so I had to do a lot of therapy, a lot of unlearning defence mechanisms 
I changed and some people didn't like who I started to become, who I'm still moulding today...someone I'm proud of,
Someone who knows they're deserving of love and capable of giving it...
I just want to give it to someone who wants to know me, like I wanna know them (a friend, a companion, a lover, a human being who has flaws, just like me...who's accepting of mine, who's accepting of theirs, who's going to encourage growth in me, for I want for them, not out of a selfish desire to control or meld them)
I'm not your generalisations or your labels
I am me
I am a human rewriting my story
so I'll not be the next text book case study of contradicting teachings 


Monday, March 13, 2017

It's not everything...

I heard my own self, in another today
I too once believed that my job, what I had passion for, was all I could & wanted to do
I didn't want to hear everyone's opinions
I didn't want to believe my own body, telling me...
everyone's right
Though experience has shown me that
for all those years, I've learnt skills that carry over to employment I never thought about, or thought I could do...
While others didn't want to let me walk away,
Things might've not worked out
but I'm not bitter, I'm determined
My past role is not who I am, it doesn't define me...
Nor does your past employment define you son,
we just got to find something else that sparks that fire within
and you're got skills that'll be useful in some other role...
Trust me, I've been standing where you're standing now
I understand that fear in your mind
I understand the self doubt, the fear keeping you in that place (let go, you'll be alright)
It'll work out, you'll be alright



I run my fingers through the flame, I love not the pain
but the burn you make me feel
I can't keep you out of my head, I take all I can of you,
even when your hands aren't interlocked with mine
I wanna drink every beat of your heart, I crave love...
to give, to receive
I'm reacting to the companionship I wish I could give
(before I push you away, any excuse will do, I'll hurt you...but oh how I don't want to, I want to love you the way you wanna love someone, me?)
I'm reacting to the infatuation of the lust within us, beasts raw, unrestrained in passion, lust wearing the mask of love
(In the ammunition bunker, I drop the match and embrace you...our touch the explosion that starts the beginning of...the end)
The flame always dies, it slows and I don't know how to keep the volatile chemistry alive, I'll scream this is boring now...
Will you hold me?
Will you whisper all the things I need to hear,
tell me that I don't need to be consumed by fear
Will you show me, that there's nothing to fear, that love will never die between us?



One second distraction
someone's world has come crashing down,
facing unknowns, you can't undo that second son
A thousand apologies, can't give back the trauma rippling through everyone connected
It doesn't matter, that it wasn't intentional
it doesn't matter, who didn't see who, or that it was just an unfortunate accident...
You can't undo the emotional cuts
as a mother, father, brother etc
is locked in fear and helplessness,
cause they don't know what the next second is gonna bring
...blood and no sound, tubes, machines & doctors
no news, no answers
They can only wait & one split second can change, so much


*Please be careful on the roads & as a pedestrian too, it really only takes one split second for tragic outcomes

Not A Warrior Today

Seven years, to the day
doctors, nurses & surgeons pieced me
back together again...
but they didn't see the fractures to my spirit, the fractures of my mind
Most days I'm ok with the limitations
I mean fuck, I got to walk away from a wreck I shouldn't have
Label today self pity if you will, that's your shit, not mine
This is not where I wanted to be, there's darkness around my hopes & dreams
(a small voice repeating "it'll all be ok", not in my head, but my heart)
I struggle to do daily tasks, I do what I can though (just days like today, it's not good enough)
I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude 
I actually love living life
but I'm feeling let down by my own expectations, surely I should be past this point by hundred steps forward, it's only one backwards girl
(let them tears fall, no one's strong every single minute, of every single day, it's ok to be afraid, to admit you're only human...that the pain gets overwhelming somedays)
I want more than I can give, I want to do things I once never gave a second thought about
but I know I have all I need...
It's still a struggle though, it's hard not knowing but just trusting...
it's hard living independently when you're a stubborn little shit *smirk*, 
with limitations you're still adjusting too,
when you're hopes & dreams feel mangled like the wreckage of that car...
and just right now I'm feeling trapped inside once more
(This is just about expressing, tomorrow's a new day & it's gonna be ok)