Monday, January 16, 2012

Just A Phase

Align CenterI tell myself this will pass
but who am I fooling? These 'phases' feel like they're creeping upon me
more and more, dragging out and dragging me...
My eyes are stinging from lack of sleep
and my desire is screaming "get on, get on"
Who am I kidding? One day at a time I'm just prolonging misery
either road - the one I'm on or the one I've been down
feels the same in my head, it all feels like overwhelming dread
Fuck you, go on lay your judgements down upon me
tell me cause I'm not 12 stepping it like you suggest
that my recovery is a sham, that this obsession to score will bring me undone
Fuck you
If you'd only step inside my shoes this past few years
feel the loss of independence I have, feel the loss of self esteem I have
cried the amount of tears I don't let fall, I don't allow anyone to hear or see
feel the loss of all that empowered and supported my growth...
to have your whole world shatter from under you
and have to be pumped full of the very drugs you abused
but have to wield the self control to work with doctors caring for you
and say I need to cut I don't need those no more
Lesser men have fallen and lapsed or relapsed over and over
I'm still counting (just...hear that, just) my 13 years clean
I don't want to tell anyone my fears, the nagging voice in my head
telling me "no one will be surprised, you're a fuck up anyway"
"you know it, they know it...fuck just use, once...come on, self medicate"
"USE, USE,, ooh cocaine (remember that rush), a little bit of smack, just washed down with a Jimmy and with me like the old days"
Yep, the old days...nothing worked, I'd OD and still knew this swamping unhappiness
using...will not fix this and I know it'll not make me smile today
or make these tears quiet and dry
I need to voice my inner fears, please understand that
please let me say this shit
cause I need to let it go and work on fixing me...
this will be a reality
if I leave it unsaid


Friday, January 13, 2012

Freedom Of Choice

Two hands either side the mirror, I'm trying to hold my own gaze
but I can't see anything pure or innocent
you tell me I'm an angel in human form
yet behind your back my true form morphs
breaking free of this taunt tight skin, the demons in my head come to form...
Words spit at speed, vemon from the very depths of hell
All the hate, torment, violence, all the wrongs youthful eyes saw
visions of the fires that this hateful world contains
spewed forth, regurtated
Go on feel all the hurt, all the pain, all the fears this once alive child felt before dying a human death
only to be recycled into the very sin that will now consume all who condemned
all who stabbed and kicked while she begged forgiveness
Tears of blood ran free in the streets, the heavens opened up
The war between good and evil halted upon that very second...
God found an angel in Satan's bed and she shed her feathers to make her child's bed
and from that moment the in laws feud rolled out
knocking every man, women and child to their knees
I am neither angel or demon
I am neither man or women
I am neither positive or negative
I am my own freak
my beauty is soulful and deep
I am neither saint or sin
I am whoever I choose to be...
Whoever I am in the mood to see when I lift my head
and gaze past all the grime this world pretends to be covered in
Can't they see
they are free to choose,
Can't they hear me scream?


Monday, January 2, 2012

Lies In My Head/Lies In The Mirror

Lies, that is all my head tells me
I know that for I preach it everyday
But I'm just like you...different and unique
I feel like I'm judged every second, everyday
It's not you, yeah - it's me
I hear myself say all the positives in the world
yet inside I'm suffocating from ego
yeah that bastard self will, there ain't no spirituality within right now
It's the monkey on my back, screaming and laughing
"what you really think this bullshit will stop think you'll win"
Fuck, lord help me
I'm helpless alone, my strength is gone right now...
I'm about ready to drown
I don't know who to believe, if I wanna believe...anything
I hear my own voice saying "one day at a time" and "you know you need to get out ya head - cause that's where the true BULLSHIT is"
While inside my head all I hear is
"go on go isolate, be alone"
"you know they think you're dumb and lazy"
"you know they think every time you say sorry or thank you, it's're fake"
"you're a freeloading excuse, a pain who's always in the's really all about you"
"a little shot of H will take the edge off, especially washed down with alcohol ...and a dose or two of those PAIN pills, you wanna try this ice...the old speed freak in you craves, go on what harm will one more run do"?
God ( as I understand you) I pray please take this obsession away
I know my head lies and twists emotions when I'm lost within this beast
I know what is truth
and being alone won't serve to help anyone...
No matter what my head screams
I know the truth.