Monday, September 5, 2016

Don't You Judge Me No More...

My eyes are puffy, the skin's blotchy & itchy as hell
Between not sleeping at night & breaking down several times a day
I'm doing the best that I can
and you can fuck right off, if all you got is your God damn opinions & judgements
Go on, threaten me with  consequences
Boy, I don't give a damn 
you mean nothing in my world
so keep flapping those gums, I'm not hearing anything you've got to say (run that mouth)
If you wanna say I'm falling apart & not good enough...keep it up (keep it up)
As if I'm not beating myself up enough, already
Everything I've ever done wrong, every shitty thing
is haunting me
Every time I close my eyes
the devil's showing me flash cards of my blackened history, telling me it's not over...
that's the real me
I try to smash the mirror he appears in
but how can I smash myself up side the head?
I know in my heart, they just mistakes & poor choices I once made
That ain't me no more, I'm changing everyday 
working to be a better daughter, friend, person (maybe a lover, one day)
Black skies and thunder clouds 
I'm my own worst critic
I don't need no more judgements
bringing me down
I already think I'm shitty enough
in this head space
Nothing's gonna change how I'm feeling right now, but feeling everything that's washing over me
Nothing's gonna fix me, but me believing in myself 
but me challenging the bullshit on loop, within
And fuck you, your judgements 
ain't bloody helping me
(so keep it to yourself x2)

freeflowpoet

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Struggling/Motivation Drying Up

Can't be fucked doing what is meant to be done
Don't care about how 'presentable' I look
Don't care what you think
(I'm beating myself up enough, without your two cents worth)
I just don't fucking care for your laid on thick, positivity wins over everything, bullshit
Turn away if you don't wanna hear this
turn your back on me, when I may just need a bit of supporting...but, nah I know you enjoy
tearing others apart & down
I don't fucking care if this mood too, shall pass
It ain't budging right now, but it's killing me inside...
not that you really give a damn, you just bandage my mouth and quip "suck it up"...
Hey, well...
fuck you too!

freeflowpoet

Monday, August 15, 2016

The turn around

Despite today being one where behind closed doors
I cry,
My emotions heightened and raw;
tears won't stop falling and yet I can't stay annoyed, sad, hurt, betrayed...just irritated 
by self righteous hypocrites & better than you attitudes (🖕go fuck yourself)
I'm proud of the path I'm on
made so many changes (still a work in progress, that's ok man)
Some of these tears are of pride, so much shit waded through...and I love who I'm evolving into (despite the mistakes I make along way, shows I'm human after all)...never claimed to be perfect son
Thankful for people in my life
who let me go, because of my own toxicity 
but who never gave up on me, who were there when this caterpillar broke out the dried out shell (cocoon)
who taught & showed me unconditional love,
that tears were nothing to be afraid to show
vulnerability- a beautiful thing, not a weakness
Just in this moment I'm emotional 
but feeling so ok...
how can I be swimming in shit,
I look down and have two pairs of adoring puppy eyes, staring up at me
climbing over each other, to cuddle into me
I'm not afraid to be so sensitive today...
for this, is my reality
(Right here, right now)

freeflowpoet

Head fuck

Heart in my throat
hands shaking, anxiety shadowing me
suffocating me
Mind screaming hate, like a banshee 
though it's quiet inside my chest
Bags under both eyes, so over tired
I wanna snap you,
cause you think it's perfectly alright 
to place your foot upon my head, drown me
(in your shit)
I'm breaking free, I'm breaking out
wishing I was breaking your face...
but I'm beyond that, the better man
these thoughts will not be my actions,
I will not give into the darkness anymore
I walk away, wanting nothing more
than you to be out of my life
Do you hear me?

freeflowpoet

Leave me/Love me

Sitting amongst the crowds, thinking of you
wishing I was invisible...
again
Every voice grating on my mind
Every fibre in my body screams
"leave, run, you're not amongst friends here"
The devil's frozen in hell
I scorned that motherfucker, sold him a line
Told him sweet nothings, lead him on...
pushed him over the edge
when I tore his horns from his head
false idols will fall, he fell like scattered petals
I want this monkey off my back
I want you flat on yours...
would you pull me a top of you or push me away?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
Get away from me, I don't do lust 
Don't test me, don't act all surprised when my hand lands across you face boy
You know this game I play
who the fuck you think taught me the value of the pawn?
I open my eyes to find I'm alone,
why do ghosts seems so real, hot flashbacks
I wanna shut them out, yet I crave love...
kiss me (I promise not to tear your heart out)
Shh, don't cry...oh fuck, man up
love me, leave me before I do it to you
You're not good enough, neither am I
babe maybe we're just broken pieces of one puzzle...will you let me get to know you?...
I don't know even who I am, but you drive me crazy
Are you even with me, are you even interested
in what I could give, do you want xtc like I do?
I'm just as scared
I'm the one dancing with past scars
dancing with fear of history repeating,
fear of knowing with you, everything will be alright...
my best shot maybe back n forth,
do you trust me?

freeflowpoet

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

It'll never be different

Hands on the steering wheel, eyes scanning
a bottle shop triggers a pleading voice within my head
"a beer would be nice right now, well a case...& maybe a bottle of Beam"
I glance down at my watch and frown
it's not even much after 10am
I keep driving while saying a thank you to my higher power
I get a reprieve today, I get to challenge my thoughts before I act 
Cause I know from hearing that insanity in my head
that it'll never just be one of any poison if I picked up

freeflowpoet

Playback

Woah! Rewind that back, press play
Say what! Nah couldn't have been me...
Are you sure it played out that way?
Man, I don't know what to say,
I don't have it stored in my mind, like that...
I'm not capable of that (self doubt creeping in), am I? Nah
It's not possible, how can love and hate coexist in one, in me?
How can the heart love, while these (?) hands harm?
Pure ugliness,
venom spewing forth from the mouth of...
I have no words to describe that,
that wasn't me...was it?
So much anger, so much hate
Who was that person within...

freeflowpoet