Wednesday, February 7, 2018

As a women

Tell me I know nothing of violence or loss,
Tell me my call for equality, not segration of victimised people wrong...even distasteful 
I dare you to fucken stand a moment, not in my shoes, but my fucken fractured soul...
I dare you to fucken hold these overwhelming emotions that flow from a hurting heart & numb mind
I dare you to tell me again
how I know nothing of violence or loss
I spent years living through all kinds of sexual abuse, assaults, attempted and successful gang and single rapes,
then years trying to rise above my mistrust of both women and men (& myself)
From a rape at just 15, I got pregnant 
only to miscarry, my heart was so fucken hard
it never fazed me, I just used a bit harder to kill any kind of conscience or feeling
I thought after all the work on this chronic trauma
That maybe, just maybe there'd come a day where I chose if I wanted a child...
despite being told it was most unlikely due to the internal damage I carry as an unseen scar of the terror I survived (more than once)
Today it was reinforced, that's highly unlikely 
I'm in that grief, anger, betrayal, unjust, saddness
Go on I fucken dare you to tell me I know nothing of violence and loss!
I'm fucking grieving 
As a women, I should have choice in such matters
As a women, I feel gutted from the inside out...
I don't feel complete, as a women
I'm raw and vulnerable, feel as if I was inside out and torn apart, all over again
I'm still paying for some persons/people's sick 'pleasure'
I don't get to fucken choose,
Now go on, I fucken dare you
tell me I know nothing of violence, trauma, grief and loss...


Monday, January 8, 2018

Mystery Visitor

I get notified that my page is being viewed
but I have no clue as to who or whom, you are
I just hope you're getting to know what makes me tick
or that my words give you strength,
to get through your own struggles,
for we never know what another is battling
unless we're not afraid to challenge the "I'm fine" bullshit, society conditions us to say
and find some spark of humanity, amongst the computer age and technology forcefield that separates emotion from 'man',
that would have us believe we're voiceless
and no one really cares...
I do, for I know what it's like to feel alone,
even amongst a crowded City block, in a sea of faces, mindless robots
I hope my words, give rise to that lion's roar within each of us
I hope you, maybe one day drop by and say hello... with words, not just a page statistic
I hope you're doing fine
Feel free to keep dropping by


Thursday, December 14, 2017

Metamorphosis (Spread thy wings)

***high trigger content, abuse topic***

Memories, bullets leaving the barrel
no sound but the orange spuirt, vivid
like I was standing looking down it again
back there
Don't know if it's disassociation from my trauma...
or that I've grown to know I was a victim then but not anymore, that like a butterfly
full metamorphosis
Young, wreckless, wild
a child high and drunk, but sober from fear...
the kind that allowed me to fight
til that, like my innocence was stolen to
A group approached, hands pinning me against a wall, hands wondering all over me
kisses forced, stale ciggerettes and alcohol
(so powerful, I can describe it)
laughter, it was (I was) a joke to them,
fair game, meat on a rack in an open market,
except here it seemed acceptable to 'try before you buy'
Darkness, the night, once a sweet friend... no cover here this moment...
A cop car drove past, 3 streets away
they didn't see us, but they saw them
that was enough for them to discard me and run...
Still feel the tears, see myself trembling
I'm watching this as I'm retelling it, that child, so helpless, so scared, numb... I'm numb
A 'good samaritan' passes by, said he witnessed it all, said let him help
I let him be my feet, let him lead...
hang on, this alley is a dead end, there's no cop shop here, just an overpowering smell of rubbish & urine and some street hobo
(who won't leave)
My 'saviour' mutters something and we're moving again
I remember the park, train lines above, Yarra river beside (how fitting that a casino now sits across from this spot...I still remember where this was, but no faces...Nothing except mine)
People pass us by, I try to get their attention
I'm muffled by his embrace...
I'm pushed down on the ground...
he finished off the scrap, discared earlier
(Silent pause)
There's a reason why I wear hardness as a mask...It became a face instead, it had to...
or I wouldn't have survived
There's a reason why it's important to acknowledge my growth, why life deserves to be purposeful and cherished...
For that little girl I once was, for the child I lost through that
For any other lost human, who needs someone to assist them to find their voice,
to cast off the shackles of guilt and shame...
that feels so overwhelming, so heavy sometimes
but isn't mine (or their's)
It's still a scar, the wound healed but still there
I'm not my experiences, they are apart of my story but they are not what defines me
I'm not afraid to be this vulnerable and raw in my truth (just not to the world sometimes)...
that's why I still hide my true self, at times,
that softness, a belief in humanity still having goodness flowing through it...
in myself


Monday, December 4, 2017

Don't Ask

Don't ask me how I am
I'll wear a smile, while my heart's breaking
on the inside
I'm fucking angry...
my head torments me, telling me lies
(dressed as truth)
Would you still be here, and not as the ghosts haunting my memories 
I know I wouldn't have changed the paths taken, just stalled the inevitable
nothing I should've/could've said, would've kept the (hearts) beating (song of life)
I'm back at that point in time, you using, me saying no
Standing in front of myself yelling "tell someone", tears streaming cause I relive losing you...but I'm the one turning blue (you just become another memory I miss)
I'm back in that point of time, reading your texts... replying instead of just waiting for another time (that'll never come)...
angry, cause whenever I press send
they just bounce back
Angry that I never got to see you, where I am now
Angry that I never got to tell you
I don't hate you, I understand that darkness you were lost in
I'll never get to see your infectious smile...
Angry at this disease 
for taking you so young
that some get it, some don't 
at another senseless loss,
that makes sense to a soul who's been there
Having fucking empathy
doesn't make it any easier to swallow
It hurts saying goodbye (echoing)


Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I Know They're Lies Today

Listening to a rapper,
spitting lines about not feeling like a person
cause a man took their innocence,
told them a ton of lies, like
Shh, this love is between us, don't tell anyone
It'll tear your loved ones apart, to know I love you more...
I remember being told so many justifications,
I remember being humiliated, when I spoke up
I remember being ignored (like it was some kind of joke, I just didn't get)...I took it to mean no one gave a fuck, when this was supposed to be wrong, I took that to mean I wasn't worth defending, I deserved this (over and over, for years).
It's taken time and there's still lingering scars
I can't shake, but accommodate now
There's still times when those lies try and scream, for my attention
but I know the truth
know I'm not responsible for those crimes against me,
I know I'm only responsible for how I react now
and I care for my inner child, (unlike she was cared for when I was her)
My self worth may wane at times,
though I'm actually proud of how I turned out,
once I stopped running, numbing and harming myself
Once I started healing me, once I challenged what I felt and believed (saw it for what it was, reactions to lies)
I love who I am
I love that I survived...
Nah, scrap that...
I love that today I choose to thrive


Saturday, November 4, 2017


I outstretch my hand to invite you in
let you share this stage, with me
only to twirl away, flashing teasing eyes and a cheeky grin
I drop to the floor, watch the curiosity upon your face
I draw you back in with an invitation, call you back with a movement of my finger
jump back up to my feet,
stand in your personal space
then without warning, I shove you away
and spin away, out of reach
I see the frustration cloud your beautiful face,
I slide over, run my gentlest touch over your features (shh), wrap my arms around you
hold the embrace, slow the tempo down
slow dance, walk in life with you
I see the uncertainty in your eyes, I'm afraid to
How dare you even think about leaving me here, alone
I run my hands down your chest, place my palms against your beating heart
Bang, thud, crash
I push you down hard, away from me
I desperately reach out for your arms, as you turn away
No, please don't leave me (I don't want you, yes I do, I hate you, no I don't, you're gonna hurt me, so i'll hurt me for you, I'll leave you first)


Thursday, August 10, 2017

*trigger warning* Drowning in Shame...

Memories in the form of demons
crawling from the dark depths of the pit
of my stomach, churning 
Invisible tears fall from my eyes, while the smile sits there, upon my lips
Stigma silences my voice like duct tape slapped over my mouth
snaking around my throat and my heart
Innocence imploding, ripples assaulting me like I was reliving everything, once more
Fighting myself, in two minds
freeflow vs shame (shame's winning)
I'm comfortable with my sexuality
I'm even comfortable with you assuming I'm gay... but I'm not comfortable when that's disrespected and my dignity is disregarded 
Like it has been, more than once in my life
and I've been triggered lately
memories like demons back...
drowning here in shame, I know you hear what this is about,
though I'm still drowning in shame...alone