Monday, March 13, 2017

It's not everything...

I heard my own self, in another today
I too once believed that my job, what I had passion for, was all I could & wanted to do
I didn't want to hear everyone's opinions
I didn't want to believe my own body, telling me...
everyone's right
Though experience has shown me that
for all those years, I've learnt skills that carry over to employment I never thought about, or thought I could do...
While others didn't want to let me walk away,
Things might've not worked out
but I'm not bitter, I'm determined
My past role is not who I am, it doesn't define me...
Nor does your past employment define you son,
we just got to find something else that sparks that fire within
and you're got skills that'll be useful in some other role...
Trust me, I've been standing where you're standing now
I understand that fear in your mind
I understand the self doubt, the fear keeping you in that place (let go, you'll be alright)
It'll work out, you'll be alright



I run my fingers through the flame, I love not the pain
but the burn you make me feel
I can't keep you out of my head, I take all I can of you,
even when your hands aren't interlocked with mine
I wanna drink every beat of your heart, I crave love...
to give, to receive
I'm reacting to the companionship I wish I could give
(before I push you away, any excuse will do, I'll hurt you...but oh how I don't want to, I want to love you the way you wanna love someone, me?)
I'm reacting to the infatuation of the lust within us, beasts raw, unrestrained in passion, lust wearing the mask of love
(In the ammunition bunker, I drop the match and embrace you...our touch the explosion that starts the beginning of...the end)
The flame always dies, it slows and I don't know how to keep the volatile chemistry alive, I'll scream this is boring now...
Will you hold me?
Will you whisper all the things I need to hear,
tell me that I don't need to be consumed by fear
Will you show me, that there's nothing to fear, that love will never die between us?



One second distraction
someone's world has come crashing down,
facing unknowns, you can't undo that second son
A thousand apologies, can't give back the trauma rippling through everyone connected
It doesn't matter, that it wasn't intentional
it doesn't matter, who didn't see who, or that it was just an unfortunate accident...
You can't undo the emotional cuts
as a mother, father, brother etc
is locked in fear and helplessness,
cause they don't know what the next second is gonna bring
...blood and no sound, tubes, machines & doctors
no news, no answers
They can only wait & one split second can change, so much


*Please be careful on the roads & as a pedestrian too, it really only takes one split second for tragic outcomes

Not A Warrior Today

Seven years, to the day
doctors, nurses & surgeons pieced me
back together again...
but they didn't see the fractures to my spirit, the fractures of my mind
Most days I'm ok with the limitations
I mean fuck, I got to walk away from a wreck I shouldn't have
Label today self pity if you will, that's your shit, not mine
This is not where I wanted to be, there's darkness around my hopes & dreams
(a small voice repeating "it'll all be ok", not in my head, but my heart)
I struggle to do daily tasks, I do what I can though (just days like today, it's not good enough)
I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude 
I actually love living life
but I'm feeling let down by my own expectations, surely I should be past this point by hundred steps forward, it's only one backwards girl
(let them tears fall, no one's strong every single minute, of every single day, it's ok to be afraid, to admit you're only human...that the pain gets overwhelming somedays)
I want more than I can give, I want to do things I once never gave a second thought about
but I know I have all I need...
It's still a struggle though, it's hard not knowing but just trusting...
it's hard living independently when you're a stubborn little shit *smirk*, 
with limitations you're still adjusting too,
when you're hopes & dreams feel mangled like the wreckage of that car...
and just right now I'm feeling trapped inside once more
(This is just about expressing, tomorrow's a new day & it's gonna be ok)


Monday, September 5, 2016

Don't You Judge Me No More...

My eyes are puffy, the skin's blotchy & itchy as hell
Between not sleeping at night & breaking down several times a day
I'm doing the best that I can
and you can fuck right off, if all you got is your God damn opinions & judgements
Go on, threaten me with  consequences
Boy, I don't give a damn 
you mean nothing in my world
so keep flapping those gums, I'm not hearing anything you've got to say (run that mouth)
If you wanna say I'm falling apart & not good enough...keep it up (keep it up)
As if I'm not beating myself up enough, already
Everything I've ever done wrong, every shitty thing
is haunting me
Every time I close my eyes
the devil's showing me flash cards of my blackened history, telling me it's not over...
that's the real me
I try to smash the mirror he appears in
but how can I smash myself up side the head?
I know in my heart, they just mistakes & poor choices I once made
That ain't me no more, I'm changing everyday 
working to be a better daughter, friend, person (maybe a lover, one day)
Black skies and thunder clouds 
I'm my own worst critic
I don't need no more judgements
bringing me down
I already think I'm shitty enough
in this head space
Nothing's gonna change how I'm feeling right now, but feeling everything that's washing over me
Nothing's gonna fix me, but me believing in myself 
but me challenging the bullshit on loop, within
And fuck you, your judgements 
ain't bloody helping me
(so keep it to yourself x2)


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Struggling/Motivation Drying Up

Can't be fucked doing what is meant to be done
Don't care about how 'presentable' I look
Don't care what you think
(I'm beating myself up enough, without your two cents worth)
I just don't fucking care for your laid on thick, positivity wins over everything, bullshit
Turn away if you don't wanna hear this
turn your back on me, when I may just need a bit of supporting...but, nah I know you enjoy
tearing others apart & down
I don't fucking care if this mood too, shall pass
It ain't budging right now, but it's killing me inside...
not that you really give a damn, you just bandage my mouth and quip "suck it up"...
Hey, well...
fuck you too!


Monday, August 15, 2016

The turn around

Despite today being one where behind closed doors
I cry,
My emotions heightened and raw;
tears won't stop falling and yet I can't stay annoyed, sad, hurt, betrayed...just irritated 
by self righteous hypocrites & better than you attitudes (🖕go fuck yourself)
I'm proud of the path I'm on
made so many changes (still a work in progress, that's ok man)
Some of these tears are of pride, so much shit waded through...and I love who I'm evolving into (despite the mistakes I make along way, shows I'm human after all)...never claimed to be perfect son
Thankful for people in my life
who let me go, because of my own toxicity 
but who never gave up on me, who were there when this caterpillar broke out the dried out shell (cocoon)
who taught & showed me unconditional love,
that tears were nothing to be afraid to show
vulnerability- a beautiful thing, not a weakness
Just in this moment I'm emotional 
but feeling so ok...
how can I be swimming in shit,
I look down and have two pairs of adoring puppy eyes, staring up at me
climbing over each other, to cuddle into me
I'm not afraid to be so sensitive today...
for this, is my reality
(Right here, right now)