Saturday, February 2, 2019

Hand full of jokers

You overwhelm me, I'm a slave to your influence,
your warm embrace, that of a python...wrapped around more than just a grip
The funny thing is you never said you loved me...the cards you laid before me, royal flush,
made with a hand full of jokers, I fell hard for your games, weighted dice, snake eyes and all
I bluffed my way through, went all in...
holding nothing, not even a lonely pair
Hollow promises, I'd walk bare footed through hell, just to prove my gratitude...
how sad was that, so blinded by wanting somewhere i felt, I belonged 
so stubborn & headstrong, so intoxicated by broken promises, empty, like your silences...
I held your hand as you stuck the knife in,
I locked your eyes and I still couldn't let go
even as the tears cleansed my eyes
and I heard your intention, I heard the devil, right before me...warm embrace, heat of embers, smell of brimstone, fire melting skin off my sold soul...
Even as you choked me with vemon words,
I still refused to leave that toxicity...I felt home,
I felt home, in the hallucinating vapours,
rolling off your tongue...
and you knew, you always knew...
(my worth x2)


Wednesday, September 5, 2018


I'm told to write everything out,
but how do I explain shit to myself,
let alone those who read to relate (draw strength)?
I handle any one of three ways,
I dissociate, and take flight on cortisol
til I go down or threats (mostly imaged) fade,
I disconnect and tell my story as if narrating someone else's story, while my inner child's tears flow down my face (some kind of connection these days, it gets to me to, child)
Or I bite my lip and run the same script,
over n over
"I'm not the only one this shit will hurt and haunt, I'm not the only innocent framed in this lens)
loyalty will always be one sided - I get that now,
I don't owe anyone, anything, but myself
I don't care what anyone thinks
except when they think they know me from part of a judgemental conversation (mind already made up, that's your version...this, me out of control, in a fetal position shaking with rage fuelled by wrath, lost for a moment, THIS IS MY TRUTH)
I know imaged shame, I know lies & having to hold secrets, I know violence, I've created it and copped it, I know betrayal (more than you could even fathom), I know true abandonment, trust me I know...I even abandoned myself, lost who I truly was (so I tattooed my initials on me, so to remember my own name)
I won't let you in, oh bullshit! Change has been moulded within me
But, there's still doors I won't open to just anyone, push all you want (I'll implode before trusting just anyone with my history)
You ask how am I meant to grow, or let go?
It's a process, I do reveal parts of me...
just in silence screams or behind closed doors
of court rooms or psychologist's rooms
I know what it's like being under a thumb,
I know victimisation,
Fuck 'they' still hold the reins...
I still feel I owe protection, even though I know that's the biggest piece of bullshit to date
I'm not ready to trust just anyone, I'm not ready to trust someone who feels it's their right to broadcast snippets of my story (without knowing me)
I'm not gonna go crazy, go backwards
Losing control just once was enough to scare even me, again...
Excuse me if I avoid, I'm feeling stripped and raw, feeling victimised all over again,
definitely feeling wrath that knocks me out of myself...
Yeah, this is dissociation...what you can't
see this is trauma surfacing?
It's ok, I'll just walk through it and then shut it down again,
I know what to do
and that's not ignoring this


Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Fear, wrath & total powerlessness

 I’m sitting in a chair watching myself standing before me
What kind of devil’s work is this?
I don’t quite know which one is the real me, weird huh?
I test reality by standing up
only to have my legs give under me,
my heart is pounding, not only in my chest
but my ears to, everything sounds muffled, far away...
I’m confused, I’m feeling trapped
powerless against, what? Memories?
I’m safe surely, or no I’m actually not (I’m just as confused as you, you who tries to reach me)
Why can’t I fucking stand up? Why is my mouth so dry, that nothing quenches it?
Where am I? Am I here, this isn’t my body, WHERE AM I, WHAT IS THIS, WHO ARE YOU, GET AWAY FROM ME
The room has disappeared, I’m not even sure I’m standing in front of...where am I?
Confusion, I’m in extreme flight mode and I don’t know why
but a minute ago, there wasn’t anything to fear...
Voices all around me, I can’t fucking breathe
this is all consuming, I’m feeling trapped 
Pitch black... all is slowing down,
Um, who put that hole in the wall,
No, say it wasn’t me, Oh fuck
wrath hijacked me...
I didn’t even know
I didn’t even know...


Saturday, September 1, 2018


Why are humans so hell bent on ripping each other apart,
Why must being right, go before understanding or compassion,
I’m getting tired of all the trials, all the ‘it happened for a reasons’, all the lessons I needed to learn, all the betrayals and keeping other people’s secrets (this script is on fucking loop)
I thought I’d laid all the skeletons in my closet bare, thought I’d liberated her,
though it seems they’ve all become...
And I’m suffocating from the hands over my mouth (shh, this is our secret, this is yours and for the other innocents left behind)
Silence is not golden, silence is not silver grey
it’s a tear my heart out, through my breast plate shock
it’s a nuclear cloud scream, no one hears you scream when you vaporise into ash and dust
I shake violently as my humanity reanimates,
only to explode in my face, over and over
Such is this dance of get torn down, get back up and rebuild...
survive, thrive (rinse, wash, repeat x2)


Thursday, July 26, 2018


Pausing before my fingers dance across the keyboard,
It's actually really nice,
I'm hearing the lines I wanna say about who I once was...and I can't
I just can't allow myself to trash talk my essence,
I'm not who, in circumstances, I had to become
I am who I choose to be and become
I choose to honour my past, by unwrapping the present/a gift
You, my audience, cannot see my smile
I love, this love I have for ME
I love, who I have in my life
those who positively challenge and encourage me, not tear me down...or apart
I'm in awe of my little girl's (inner child) resilience
I'm in awe of her (my own) faith and hope
I'm grateful she is who she is (me)
I'm grateful for being teachable, for thirst
I'm just thankful...and so much more


Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Only human

I'm afraid of heights,
Would you please take me off this pedestal you've perched me upon?
I'm only human, son
I have faults and I make mistakes
I'm no idol, hell I'm no angel
This wisdom you think I have, came at a price
and it's my experience or what has been taught to me
What worked for me, might not do the trick for you, will you hear me, will you just understand me?
I'm gonna warn you time and time again,
I'll tell you over and over,
there will come a time when you'll see with your own eyes
I'll trip up, fuck up or maybe just make another mistake...I'm human, son
Stop telling me I can't do wrong in your eyes,
it's gonna happen, maybe we'll just disagree,
maybe I'll say something that's hurtful or (oh no)...just wrong,
I don't know everything
I have flaws, trust me on that
Take me down from this perch,
you're expectations are too damn high
I will fall from grace, I've done it many times before
I'm only human x1


Monday, April 30, 2018

Ode to butterflies (the project)

Hands over my ears
tears streaming down the insides of my cheeks,
I will turn from you
I feel like a failure, for it's my own voice haunting me
I want to put this whip down, but everytime I throw it
that very action, rains lashes down
I stare at the mirror, a girl with a shattered face states back
I know her, but it's been so long
I thought I'd banished this demon
She's back, she's tormenting me
"Cut, cut, cut,
Red River runs, snaking around the white surrounds,
pooling at your feet, worship me, you love that you're alive while I run dry,
you love me, the heat cooling, chaos turns to calm
as the warmth of your breath slows
You know you love the adrenaline rush I give
with each sliver, each slice
come play with me again
cut, cut, cut (no butterflies to keep alive today)"
I quiver but won't back down
No I will not go back to playing with your lies
my life is worth more, my sanity is stronger
There's no bone china here
There's no line you can feed me, I'm not swallowing your bullshit
Go back to wherever you've been
I'll not entertain you
I'll not dance with you
not today, not anymore
I don't need painted butterflies to save me