Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Only human

I'm afraid of heights,
Would you please take me off this pedestal you've perched me upon?
I'm only human, son
I have faults and I make mistakes
I'm no idol, hell I'm no angel
This wisdom you think I have, came at a price
and it's my experience or what has been taught to me
What worked for me, might not do the trick for you, will you hear me, will you just understand me?
I'm gonna warn you time and time again,
I'll tell you over and over,
there will come a time when you'll see with your own eyes
I'll trip up, fuck up or maybe just make another mistake...I'm human, son
Stop telling me I can't do wrong in your eyes,
it's gonna happen, maybe we'll just disagree,
maybe I'll say something that's hurtful or (oh no)...just wrong,
I don't know everything
I have flaws, trust me on that
Take me down from this perch,
you're expectations are too damn high
I will fall from grace, I've done it many times before
I'm only human x1


Monday, April 30, 2018

Ode to butterflies (the project)

Hands over my ears
tears streaming down the insides of my cheeks,
I will turn from you
I feel like a failure, for it's my own voice haunting me
I want to put this whip down, but everytime I throw it
that very action, rains lashes down
I stare at the mirror, a girl with a shattered face states back
I know her, but it's been so long
I thought I'd banished this demon
She's back, she's tormenting me
"Cut, cut, cut,
Red River runs, snaking around the white surrounds,
pooling at your feet, worship me, you love that you're alive while I run dry,
you love me, the heat cooling, chaos turns to calm
as the warmth of your breath slows
You know you love the adrenaline rush I give
with each sliver, each slice
come play with me again
cut, cut, cut (no butterflies to keep alive today)"
I quiver but won't back down
No I will not go back to playing with your lies
my life is worth more, my sanity is stronger
There's no bone china here
There's no line you can feed me, I'm not swallowing your bullshit
Go back to wherever you've been
I'll not entertain you
I'll not dance with you
not today, not anymore
I don't need painted butterflies to save me


Monday, March 5, 2018

Immortality/Forever Young

There's no life without death child
there's no dodging the years
there's no getting back the past,
so walk with me, out of the shadows
there's nothing back there, but more of what has been
and you've fought your own demons enough,
there's no winning by embracing defeat
(only overcoming it)
There's no reviving your lost innocence
there's no turning back the clock
there's no poison or potion or deal with the devil (there's no devil, just the consequences of man's actions, of yours)
that'll allow you your youth forever,
You're not invincible, you will grow as the sands of time slip by
Ever wondered where your fear of a mirror came from? You never were a believer
in the lies the illusionist sold, no matter what form they were presented to you in
The only growth that stunted was your cognitive processing, you know you just stopped thinking, stopped living...
just started surviving
No, you weren't sold immortality
there never was a forever young
pain and suffering only made time feel like it would never end
but as the hands ticked on (and on, and on)
And now as you walk in the present,
all the mistakes and all the paths you stumbled down
have lead you to this consciousness, this beautiful truth
you're not the child you were yesterday,
you're not the choices you made,
nor are you defined by your story, no victim
but a strong, resilient women
hellbent on thriving
and living life,
knowing the years will keep ticking by
as the brown fades into grey
as the softness folds into wrinkles
as the maturity grows...you come into your own understanding
Life is meant to end, but the story you leave behind
may just be that one tale, another lost soul needs to help them find themselves, their voice
Your experiences, rich beyond a thousand years
your message etched in cyberspace, carved in pages others turn...


Wednesday, February 7, 2018

As a women

Tell me I know nothing of violence or loss,
Tell me my call for equality, not segration of victimised people wrong...even distasteful 
I dare you to fucken stand a moment, not in my shoes, but my fucken fractured soul...
I dare you to fucken hold these overwhelming emotions that flow from a hurting heart & numb mind
I dare you to tell me again
how I know nothing of violence or loss
I spent years living through all kinds of sexual abuse, assaults, attempted and successful gang and single rapes,
then years trying to rise above my mistrust of both women and men (& myself)
From a rape at just 15, I got pregnant 
only to miscarry, my heart was so fucken hard
it never fazed me, I just used a bit harder to kill any kind of conscience or feeling
I thought after all the work on this chronic trauma
That maybe, just maybe there'd come a day where I chose if I wanted a child...
despite being told it was most unlikely due to the internal damage I carry as an unseen scar of the terror I survived (more than once)
Today it was reinforced, that's highly unlikely 
I'm in that grief, anger, betrayal, unjust, saddness
Go on I fucken dare you to tell me I know nothing of violence and loss!
I'm fucking grieving 
As a women, I should have choice in such matters
As a women, I feel gutted from the inside out...
I don't feel complete, as a women
I'm raw and vulnerable, feel as if I was inside out and torn apart, all over again
I'm still paying for some persons/people's sick 'pleasure'
I don't get to fucken choose,
Now go on, I fucken dare you
tell me I know nothing of violence, trauma, grief and loss...


Monday, January 8, 2018

Mystery Visitor

I get notified that my page is being viewed
but I have no clue as to who or whom, you are
I just hope you're getting to know what makes me tick
or that my words give you strength,
to get through your own struggles,
for we never know what another is battling
unless we're not afraid to challenge the "I'm fine" bullshit, society conditions us to say
and find some spark of humanity, amongst the computer age and technology forcefield that separates emotion from 'man',
that would have us believe we're voiceless
and no one really cares...
I do, for I know what it's like to feel alone,
even amongst a crowded City block, in a sea of faces, mindless robots
I hope my words, give rise to that lion's roar within each of us
I hope you, maybe one day drop by and say hello... with words, not just a page statistic
I hope you're doing fine
Feel free to keep dropping by


Thursday, December 14, 2017

Metamorphosis (Spread thy wings)

***high trigger content, abuse topic***

Memories, bullets leaving the barrel
no sound but the orange spuirt, vivid
like I was standing looking down it again
back there
Don't know if it's disassociation from my trauma...
or that I've grown to know I was a victim then but not anymore, that like a butterfly
full metamorphosis
Young, wreckless, wild
a child high and drunk, but sober from fear...
the kind that allowed me to fight
til that, like my innocence was stolen to
A group approached, hands pinning me against a wall, hands wondering all over me
kisses forced, stale ciggerettes and alcohol
(so powerful, I can describe it)
laughter, it was (I was) a joke to them,
fair game, meat on a rack in an open market,
except here it seemed acceptable to 'try before you buy'
Darkness, the night, once a sweet friend... no cover here this moment...
A cop car drove past, 3 streets away
they didn't see us, but they saw them
that was enough for them to discard me and run...
Still feel the tears, see myself trembling
I'm watching this as I'm retelling it, that child, so helpless, so scared, numb... I'm numb
A 'good samaritan' passes by, said he witnessed it all, said let him help
I let him be my feet, let him lead...
hang on, this alley is a dead end, there's no cop shop here, just an overpowering smell of rubbish & urine and some street hobo
(who won't leave)
My 'saviour' mutters something and we're moving again
I remember the park, train lines above, Yarra river beside (how fitting that a casino now sits across from this spot...I still remember where this was, but no faces...Nothing except mine)
People pass us by, I try to get their attention
I'm muffled by his embrace...
I'm pushed down on the ground...
he finished off the scrap, discared earlier
(Silent pause)
There's a reason why I wear hardness as a mask...It became a face instead, it had to...
or I wouldn't have survived
There's a reason why it's important to acknowledge my growth, why life deserves to be purposeful and cherished...
For that little girl I once was, for the child I lost through that
For any other lost human, who needs someone to assist them to find their voice,
to cast off the shackles of guilt and shame...
that feels so overwhelming, so heavy sometimes
but isn't mine (or their's)
It's still a scar, the wound healed but still there
I'm not my experiences, they are apart of my story but they are not what defines me
I'm not afraid to be this vulnerable and raw in my truth (just not to the world sometimes)...
that's why I still hide my true self, at times,
that softness, a belief in humanity still having goodness flowing through it...
in myself


Monday, December 4, 2017

Don't Ask

Don't ask me how I am
I'll wear a smile, while my heart's breaking
on the inside
I'm fucking angry...
my head torments me, telling me lies
(dressed as truth)
Would you still be here, and not as the ghosts haunting my memories 
I know I wouldn't have changed the paths taken, just stalled the inevitable
nothing I should've/could've said, would've kept the (hearts) beating (song of life)
I'm back at that point in time, you using, me begging...you saying no
Standing in front of myself yelling "tell someone", tears streaming cause I relive losing you...but I'm the one turning blue (you just become another memory I miss)
I'm back in that point of time, reading your texts... replying instead of just waiting for another time (that'll never come)...
angry, cause whenever I press send
they just bounce back
Angry that I never got to see you, where I am now
Angry that I never got to tell you
I don't hate you, I understand that darkness you were lost in
I'll never get to see your infectious smile...
Angry at this disease 
for taking you so young
that some get it, some don't 
at another senseless loss,
that makes sense to a soul who's been there
Having fucking empathy
doesn't make it any easier to swallow
It hurts saying goodbye (echoing)