Monday, December 4, 2017

Don't Ask

Don't ask me how I am
I'll wear a smile, while my heart's breaking
on the inside
I'm fucking angry...
my head torments me, telling me lies
(dressed as truth)
Would you still be here, and not as the ghosts haunting my memories 
I know I wouldn't have changed the paths taken, just stalled the inevitable
nothing I should've/could've said, would've kept the (hearts) beating (song of life)
I'm back at that point in time, you using, me saying no
Standing in front of myself yelling "tell someone", tears streaming cause I relive losing you...but I'm the one turning blue (you just become another memory I miss)
I'm back in that point of time, reading your texts... replying instead of just waiting for another time (that'll never come)...
angry, cause whenever I press send
they just bounce back
Angry that I never got to see you, where I am now
Angry that I never got to tell you
I don't hate you, I understand that darkness you were lost in
I'll never get to see your infectious smile...
Angry at this disease 
for taking you so young
that some get it, some don't 
at another senseless loss,
that makes sense to a soul who's been there
Having fucking empathy
doesn't make it any easier to swallow
It hurts saying goodbye (echoing)


Tuesday, November 7, 2017

I Know They're Lies Today

Listening to a rapper,
spitting lines about not feeling like a person
cause a man took their innocence,
told them a ton of lies, like
Shh, this love is between us, don't tell anyone
It'll tear your loved ones apart, to know I love you more...
I remember being told so many justifications,
I remember being humiliated, when I spoke up
I remember being ignored (like it was some kind of joke, I just didn't get)...I took it to mean no one gave a fuck, when this was supposed to be wrong, I took that to mean I wasn't worth defending, I deserved this (over and over, for years).
It's taken time and there's still lingering scars
I can't shake, but accommodate now
There's still times when those lies try and scream, for my attention
but I know the truth
know I'm not responsible for those crimes against me,
I know I'm only responsible for how I react now
and I care for my inner child, (unlike she was cared for when I was her)
My self worth may wane at times,
though I'm actually proud of how I turned out,
once I stopped running, numbing and harming myself
Once I started healing me, once I challenged what I felt and believed (saw it for what it was, reactions to lies)
I love who I am
I love that I survived...
Nah, scrap that...
I love that today I choose to thrive


Saturday, November 4, 2017


I outstretch my hand to invite you in
let you share this stage, with me
only to twirl away, flashing teasing eyes and a cheeky grin
I drop to the floor, watch the curiosity upon your face
I draw you back in with an invitation, call you back with a movement of my finger
jump back up to my feet,
stand in your personal space
then without warning, I shove you away
and spin away, out of reach
I see the frustration cloud your beautiful face,
I slide over, run my gentlest touch over your features (shh), wrap my arms around you
hold the embrace, slow the tempo down
slow dance, walk in life with you
I see the uncertainty in your eyes, I'm afraid to
How dare you even think about leaving me here, alone
I run my hands down your chest, place my palms against your beating heart
Bang, thud, crash
I push you down hard, away from me
I desperately reach out for your arms, as you turn away
No, please don't leave me (I don't want you, yes I do, I hate you, no I don't, you're gonna hurt me, so i'll hurt me for you, I'll leave you first)


Thursday, August 10, 2017

*trigger warning* Drowning in Shame...

Memories in the form of demons
crawling from the dark depths of the pit
of my stomach, churning 
Invisible tears fall from my eyes, while the smile sits there, upon my lips
Stigma silences my voice like duct tape slapped over my mouth
snaking around my throat and my heart
Innocence imploding, ripples assaulting me like I was reliving everything, once more
Fighting myself, in two minds
freeflow vs shame (shame's winning)
I'm comfortable with my sexuality
I'm even comfortable with you assuming I'm gay... but I'm not comfortable when that's disrespected and my dignity is disregarded 
Like it has been, more than once in my life
and I've been triggered lately
memories like demons back...
drowning here in shame, I know you hear what this is about,
though I'm still drowning in shame...alone


Saturday, July 22, 2017


Shove my expression back into the dark recesses of my dungeon, where my memories stain the walls of the rough years
Into the abyss where demons came to torment the child you threw into hell, expecting me to burn, to die a living death
Were you suprised when bones started piling up in your pristine, white picketed fenced yard...
Were you afraid of what prying eyes would say about the blood splatter I sprayed all over your first prize rose bushes & perfect little house, as I slaughtered every demon sent my way?
Did I shock you when I climbed out the crevice in the cracked concrete
that formed after I rumbled with the devil...
and won?
Who am I referring to in my narrative, in this script, ooh yeah, it'll satisfy your crave for gossip if I named the links of my shackles,
wouldn't it?
Maybe it's a she, maybe a he, maybe an institution, maybe a flawed system of a decaying society, maybe it's myself,
maybe it's you
Take your tissues and just leave em there on the table, I'll take one when I'm ready
Not just cause you're uncomfortable with my vulnerabilities and raw emotions 
stop trying to fix me, I'm not broken
(a little chipped and scarred)
I don't need rescuing, I'm already in a better place
My past doesn't define me, yeah it has shaped some of my quirks and defective coping mechanisms...
but I am the warrior I am
I am happier with who that is
for today


Addict's demise

A finger snuffing out a flame

one door slams shut, the window another way in

skin torn as you worm through the intact glass

Eyes fail to adjust in the night

cause you're so used to the darkness of depression's veil, second nature this bitter slashing cold rain

There's no sunshine in this place

I hear the taste in every word that contorts from that void deep where a flower once bloomed

the stench of desperation drips from your pin prick irises

Hands of zombie decay, dollars crumble as the bubbles form and swirl with the steel sting

mixing up again

Searching for a way out

searching for a temporary escape from the purtory of living death

just searching for life

but it's a black widow's dance...

and the antidote's just out of reach


Monday, June 19, 2017


You read my words

but you don't see me as I was, living it (my story)

You read my words

but you don't know me

You read my words

but you don't see me, transparent without masks, costumes or walls

You only see the letters forming words

but not the experience that allows me to pen them

I wish I could feel someone's hand comforting me

I wish I could see your tears as the words form sentences and therefore the narrative

I wish I could hear your words of empathy...

Instead of my own voice, verbalising self actualisation and soothing comfort

I wish I could write of the light, the fire in my heart

I see in my offerings before you

Cause many just see the darkness and think they see my version of hell, lived (survived)

but the light is where beauty lies

cause that's where my resilience grows,

my hand breaking out the ground of where I was thrown in the abyss, where I was buried & left... 

I'm not dead, nor broken beyond reconstruction (the rebuild has just begun)