Monday, June 19, 2017


You read my words

but you don't see me as I was, living it (my story)

You read my words

but you don't know me

You read my words

but you don't see me, transparent without masks, costumes or walls

You only see the letters forming words

but not the experience that allows me to pen them

I wish I could feel someone's hand comforting me

I wish I could see your tears as the words form sentences and therefore the narrative

I wish I could hear your words of empathy...

Instead of my own voice, verbalising self actualisation and soothing comfort

I wish I could write of the light, the fire in my heart

I see in my offerings before you

Cause many just see the darkness and think they see my version of hell, lived (survived)

but the light is where beauty lies

cause that's where my resilience grows,

my hand breaking out the ground of where I was thrown in the abyss, where I was buried & left... 

I'm not dead, nor broken beyond reconstruction (the rebuild has just begun)


Sunday, May 28, 2017


I'll unzip my skin and show you the bones that make up my skeletons within,
I don't forget the sins I've committed, I know I once justified every single one of them
I don't forget the things done to me, nor do I waste time forgiving those who don't see the wrong in how they abuse kids or traded my innocence trying to protect others...
I don't hate anyone of them, it's their behaviours and attitudes I dislike
I pray they all have their eyes opened and they find some happiness and peace, mercy and compassion,
despite my humanness screaming castrate em all and let em drown in their own misery, none of em deserve mercy or second chances...but that's a reaction of a scarred mind, not of a changed heart..
I was given a second change, over and over again
and when I did change, the ones who wanted me to change fell off or tried to drag me back to that darkness of hell,
So I walked away for the sake of my own survival and so I didn't corrupt my heart again, trying to rescue and save others...that ain't my place, I get that now, I understand it now...I'm the only one I can save and change
those attitudes and behaviours aren't acceptable when I accepted them aimed at me, nor are they acceptable for me to just brush aside, when dumped upon others...
that's just not acceptable, full stop (thank you for showing me another way, how to love another, how to love myself...that it's ok to walk away)


Saturday, May 27, 2017

If God's not Real...

I still remember how the rope felt against my neck
I still recall the tears of anger & betrayal trailing down my face
how they felt drying upon my skin
Tupac playing in the background,
Noone but God knowing where I was, what I was about to do
Noone to hear this child's cries, all alone in a crowd of people, all doing their own thing
Tethering on the edge of milk creates stacked up,
One step forward...
down I tumbled...
If God's not real, explain to me how the rope snapped as Tupac's words "they win when your soul dies" played,
explain to me, how I'm still alive, how I survived all the trauma I waded through,
how hell never claimed me, but I slaughtered my demons & rose up from the battlefields...alive, ready to thrive 


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Test me

A mountain in my path
You think that's gonna stop me?
Why does it feel like the world is against me, I only want to achieve my heart's desire 
Why does it feel like I keep getting fucked over?
Go on, keep pushing my limits
I'll only find new heights to scale
Go on, keep testing my resolve, my patience, just keep blocking my path...
I promise I'll make you regret thinking this one 'man' is a push over,
I promise I will make you regret bringing the fight out in me
No, I will not back down
No, I will not let you take away my rights,
while trying to charge me full price (while expecting me to do all the work, including yours)
Go on, keep pushing me
I promise I will KO you & everything you bring to hold me down, I'll destroy it all
and be the last 'man' standing, in this war you wage against me
I'll keep rising above all my adversities...
cause it's not my will driving me on
So I know how this will end
(this is my victory, this is for all the voiceless innocents who have, are or will be harmed...I won't stop fighting the good fight)
Just keep trying me, bring it (bring it on)


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Not Your Generalisations

You say self harm is about feeling some control over the pain
felt within, that is so overwhelming & out of their hands
That wasn't my story...
Don't you always say each person is an individual and there's no box people fit into,
Don't you always say there's no one theory that conforms to everybody that a therapist sees...
then stop telling me what my reasons are, for the maladaptive mechanisms I used to get through things I had no words for
I slit my skin, over and over
just so I saw the blood run, cause when it did
I knew that even though I was emotionally numb or so wound up in wrath nothing mattered, nothing hurt more than not knowing what emotions were
That red liquid was my heart beat, I couldn't feel beating in my chest,
that red liquid was life leaking out my essence,
it was letting me know it's ok child, you're still alive
amongst the numbness, amongst the hell I wandered around in
Don't tell me I push people away, cause I'm scared of abandonment or rejection,
my truth is, I'm scared of more than that,
I'm afraid of being the one to hurt you, to physically or emotionally harm those I'm meant to love
I know the love me/leave me dance, oh so well
I could fucking teach it
How do you explain to someone you love with every fibre in you
that their very touch drives me out of my own self
that no matter what they say or how they show you it's ok,
that it's not enough to keep me connected...
that, that very action causes me so much guilt and shame
I push you away before that even gets a chance to play out?
How do I explain my reasoning, when all you as a supposed professional do
is fucking label me with generalisations and pigeon holed boxes?
What happened to this being about my narrative, my story, my experience?
Don't tell me I'm stuck playing out the same relationship patterns, just cause you've been taught attachment theory 
cause people change, people grow (sometimes)
cause I learnt early on, why I act the way I do in relationships 
and it's not something I wanna keep repeating,
so I had to do a lot of therapy, a lot of unlearning defence mechanisms 
I changed and some people didn't like who I started to become, who I'm still moulding today...someone I'm proud of,
Someone who knows they're deserving of love and capable of giving it...
I just want to give it to someone who wants to know me, like I wanna know them (a friend, a companion, a lover, a human being who has flaws, just like me...who's accepting of mine, who's accepting of theirs, who's going to encourage growth in me, for I want for them, not out of a selfish desire to control or meld them)
I'm not your generalisations or your labels
I am me
I am a human rewriting my story
so I'll not be the next text book case study of contradicting teachings 


Monday, March 13, 2017

It's not everything...

I heard my own self, in another today
I too once believed that my job, what I had passion for, was all I could & wanted to do
I didn't want to hear everyone's opinions
I didn't want to believe my own body, telling me...
everyone's right
Though experience has shown me that
for all those years, I've learnt skills that carry over to employment I never thought about, or thought I could do...
While others didn't want to let me walk away,
Things might've not worked out
but I'm not bitter, I'm determined
My past role is not who I am, it doesn't define me...
Nor does your past employment define you son,
we just got to find something else that sparks that fire within
and you're got skills that'll be useful in some other role...
Trust me, I've been standing where you're standing now
I understand that fear in your mind
I understand the self doubt, the fear keeping you in that place (let go, you'll be alright)
It'll work out, you'll be alright



I run my fingers through the flame, I love not the pain
but the burn you make me feel
I can't keep you out of my head, I take all I can of you,
even when your hands aren't interlocked with mine
I wanna drink every beat of your heart, I crave love...
to give, to receive
I'm reacting to the companionship I wish I could give
(before I push you away, any excuse will do, I'll hurt you...but oh how I don't want to, I want to love you the way you wanna love someone, me?)
I'm reacting to the infatuation of the lust within us, beasts raw, unrestrained in passion, lust wearing the mask of love
(In the ammunition bunker, I drop the match and embrace you...our touch the explosion that starts the beginning of...the end)
The flame always dies, it slows and I don't know how to keep the volatile chemistry alive, I'll scream this is boring now...
Will you hold me?
Will you whisper all the things I need to hear,
tell me that I don't need to be consumed by fear
Will you show me, that there's nothing to fear, that love will never die between us?