Thursday, August 10, 2017

*trigger warning* Drowning in Shame...

Memories in the form of demons
crawling from the dark depths of the pit
of my stomach, churning 
Invisible tears fall from my eyes, while the smile sits there, upon my lips
Stigma silences my voice like duct tape slapped over my mouth
snaking around my throat and my heart
Innocence imploding, ripples assaulting me like I was reliving everything, once more
Fighting myself, in two minds
freeflow vs shame (shame's winning)
I'm comfortable with my sexuality
I'm even comfortable with you assuming I'm gay... but I'm not comfortable when that's disrespected and my dignity is disregarded 
Like it has been, more than once in my life
and I've been triggered lately
memories like demons back...
drowning here in shame, I know you hear what this is about,
though I'm still drowning in shame...alone


Saturday, July 22, 2017


Shove my expression back into the dark recesses of my dungeon, where my memories stain the walls of the rough years
Into the abyss where demons came to torment the child you threw into hell, expecting me to burn, to die a living death
Were you suprised when bones started piling up in your pristine, white picketed fenced yard...
Were you afraid of what prying eyes would say about the blood splatter I sprayed all over your first prize rose bushes & perfect little house, as I slaughtered every demon sent my way?
Did I shock you when I climbed out the crevice in the cracked concrete
that formed after I rumbled with the devil...
and won?
Who am I referring to in my narrative, in this script, ooh yeah, it'll satisfy your crave for gossip if I named the links of my shackles,
wouldn't it?
Maybe it's a she, maybe a he, maybe an institution, maybe a flawed system of a decaying society, maybe it's myself,
maybe it's you
Take your tissues and just leave em there on the table, I'll take one when I'm ready
Not just cause you're uncomfortable with my vulnerabilities and raw emotions 
stop trying to fix me, I'm not broken
(a little chipped and scarred)
I don't need rescuing, I'm already in a better place
My past doesn't define me, yeah it has shaped some of my quirks and defective coping mechanisms...
but I am the warrior I am
I am happier with who that is
for today


Addict's demise

A finger snuffing out a flame

one door slams shut, the window another way in

skin torn as you worm through the intact glass

Eyes fail to adjust in the night

cause you're so used to the darkness of depression's veil, second nature this bitter slashing cold rain

There's no sunshine in this place

I hear the taste in every word that contorts from that void deep where a flower once bloomed

the stench of desperation drips from your pin prick irises

Hands of zombie decay, dollars crumble as the bubbles form and swirl with the steel sting

mixing up again

Searching for a way out

searching for a temporary escape from the purtory of living death

just searching for life

but it's a black widow's dance...

and the antidote's just out of reach


Monday, June 19, 2017


You read my words

but you don't see me as I was, living it (my story)

You read my words

but you don't know me

You read my words

but you don't see me, transparent without masks, costumes or walls

You only see the letters forming words

but not the experience that allows me to pen them

I wish I could feel someone's hand comforting me

I wish I could see your tears as the words form sentences and therefore the narrative

I wish I could hear your words of empathy...

Instead of my own voice, verbalising self actualisation and soothing comfort

I wish I could write of the light, the fire in my heart

I see in my offerings before you

Cause many just see the darkness and think they see my version of hell, lived (survived)

but the light is where beauty lies

cause that's where my resilience grows,

my hand breaking out the ground of where I was thrown in the abyss, where I was buried & left... 

I'm not dead, nor broken beyond reconstruction (the rebuild has just begun)


Sunday, May 28, 2017


I'll unzip my skin and show you the bones that make up my skeletons within,
I don't forget the sins I've committed, I know I once justified every single one of them
I don't forget the things done to me, nor do I waste time forgiving those who don't see the wrong in how they abuse kids or traded my innocence trying to protect others...
I don't hate anyone of them, it's their behaviours and attitudes I dislike
I pray they all have their eyes opened and they find some happiness and peace, mercy and compassion,
despite my humanness screaming castrate em all and let em drown in their own misery, none of em deserve mercy or second chances...but that's a reaction of a scarred mind, not of a changed heart..
I was given a second change, over and over again
and when I did change, the ones who wanted me to change fell off or tried to drag me back to that darkness of hell,
So I walked away for the sake of my own survival and so I didn't corrupt my heart again, trying to rescue and save others...that ain't my place, I get that now, I understand it now...I'm the only one I can save and change
those attitudes and behaviours aren't acceptable when I accepted them aimed at me, nor are they acceptable for me to just brush aside, when dumped upon others...
that's just not acceptable, full stop (thank you for showing me another way, how to love another, how to love myself...that it's ok to walk away)


Saturday, May 27, 2017

If God's not Real...

I still remember how the rope felt against my neck
I still recall the tears of anger & betrayal trailing down my face
how they felt drying upon my skin
Tupac playing in the background,
Noone but God knowing where I was, what I was about to do
Noone to hear this child's cries, all alone in a crowd of people, all doing their own thing
Tethering on the edge of milk creates stacked up,
One step forward...
down I tumbled...
If God's not real, explain to me how the rope snapped as Tupac's words "they win when your soul dies" played,
explain to me, how I'm still alive, how I survived all the trauma I waded through,
how hell never claimed me, but I slaughtered my demons & rose up from the battlefields...alive, ready to thrive 


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Test me

A mountain in my path
You think that's gonna stop me?
Why does it feel like the world is against me, I only want to achieve my heart's desire 
Why does it feel like I keep getting fucked over?
Go on, keep pushing my limits
I'll only find new heights to scale
Go on, keep testing my resolve, my patience, just keep blocking my path...
I promise I'll make you regret thinking this one 'man' is a push over,
I promise I will make you regret bringing the fight out in me
No, I will not back down
No, I will not let you take away my rights,
while trying to charge me full price (while expecting me to do all the work, including yours)
Go on, keep pushing me
I promise I will KO you & everything you bring to hold me down, I'll destroy it all
and be the last 'man' standing, in this war you wage against me
I'll keep rising above all my adversities...
cause it's not my will driving me on
So I know how this will end
(this is my victory, this is for all the voiceless innocents who have, are or will be harmed...I won't stop fighting the good fight)
Just keep trying me, bring it (bring it on)