Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Not Your Generalisations

You say self harm is about feeling some control over the pain
felt within, that is so overwhelming & out of their hands
That wasn't my story...
Don't you always say each person is an individual and there's no box people fit into,
Don't you always say there's no one theory that conforms to everybody that a therapist sees...
then stop telling me what my reasons are, for the maladaptive mechanisms I used to get through things I had no words for
I slit my skin, over and over
just so I saw the blood run, cause when it did
I knew that even though I was emotionally numb or so wound up in wrath nothing mattered, nothing hurt more than not knowing what emotions were
That red liquid was my heart beat, I couldn't feel beating in my chest,
that red liquid was life leaking out my vessel...life essence,
it was letting me know it's ok child, you're still alive
amongst the numbness, amongst the hell I wandered around in
Don't tell me I push people away, cause I'm scared of abandonment or rejection,
my truth is, I'm scared of more than that,
I'm afraid of being the one to hurt you, to physically or emotionally harm those I'm meant to love
I know the love me/leave me dance, oh so well
I could fucking teach it
How do you explain to someone you love with every fibre in you
that their very touch drives me out of my own self
that no matter what they say or how they show you it's ok,
that it's not enough to keep me connected...
that, that very action causes me so much guilt and shame
I push you away before that even gets a chance to play out?
How do I explain my reasoning, when all you as a supposed professional do
is fucking label me with generalisations and pigeon holed boxes?
What happened to this being about my narrative, my story, my experience?
Don't tell me I'm stuck playing out the same relationship patterns, just cause you've been taught attachment theory 
cause people change, people grow (sometimes)
cause I learnt early on, why I act the way I do in relationships 
and it's not something I wanna keep repeating,
so I had to do a lot of therapy, a lot of unlearning defence mechanisms 
I changed and some people didn't like who I started to become, who I'm still moulding today...someone I'm proud of,
Someone who knows they're deserving of love and capable of giving it...
I just want to give it to someone who wants to know me, like I wanna know them (a friend, a companion, a lover, a human being who has flaws, just like me...who's accepting of mine, who's accepting of theirs, who's going to encourage growth in me, for myself...like I want for them, not out of a selfish desire to control or meld them)
I'm not your generalisations or your labels
I am me
I am a human rewriting my story
so I'll not be the next text book case study of contradicting teachings 


Monday, March 13, 2017

It's not everything...

I heard my own self, in another today
I too once believed that my job, what I had passion for, was all I could & wanted to do
I didn't want to hear everyone's opinions
I didn't want to believe my own body, telling me...
everyone's right
Though experience has shown me that
for all those years, I've learnt skills that carry over to employment I never thought about, or thought I could do...
While others didn't want to let me walk away,
Things might've not worked out
but I'm not bitter, I'm determined
My past role is not who I am, it doesn't define me...
Nor does your past employment define you son,
we just got to find something else that sparks that fire within
and you're got skills that'll be useful in some other role...
Trust me, I've been standing where you're standing now
I understand that fear in your mind
I understand the self doubt, the fear keeping you in that place (let go, you'll be alright)
It'll work out, you'll be alright



I run my fingers through the flame, I love not the pain
but the burn you make me feel
I can't keep you out of my head, I take all I can of you,
even when your hands aren't interlocked with mine
I wanna drink every beat of your heart, I crave love...
to give, to receive
I'm reacting to the companionship I wish I could give
(before I push you away, any excuse will do, I'll hurt you...but oh how I don't want to, I want to love you the way you wanna love someone, me?)
I'm reacting to the infatuation of the lust within us, beasts raw, unrestrained in passion, lust wearing the mask of love
(In the ammunition bunker, I drop the match and embrace you...our touch the explosion that starts the beginning of...the end)
The flame always dies, it slows and I don't know how to keep the volatile chemistry alive, I'll scream this is boring now...
Will you hold me?
Will you whisper all the things I need to hear,
tell me that I don't need to be consumed by fear
Will you show me, that there's nothing to fear, that love will never die between us?



One second distraction
someone's world has come crashing down,
facing unknowns, you can't undo that second son
A thousand apologies, can't give back the trauma rippling through everyone connected
It doesn't matter, that it wasn't intentional
it doesn't matter, who didn't see who, or that it was just an unfortunate accident...
You can't undo the emotional cuts
as a mother, father, brother etc
is locked in fear and helplessness,
cause they don't know what the next second is gonna bring
...blood and no sound, tubes, machines & doctors
no news, no answers
They can only wait & one split second can change, so much


*Please be careful on the roads & as a pedestrian too, it really only takes one split second for tragic outcomes

Not A Warrior Today

Seven years, to the day
doctors, nurses & surgeons pieced me
back together again...
but they didn't see the fractures to my spirit, the fractures of my mind
Most days I'm ok with the limitations
I mean fuck, I got to walk away from a wreck I shouldn't have
Label today self pity if you will, that's your shit, not mine
This is not where I wanted to be, there's darkness around my hopes & dreams
(a small voice repeating "it'll all be ok", not in my head, but my heart)
I struggle to do daily tasks, I do what I can though (just days like today, it's not good enough)
I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude 
I actually love living life
but I'm feeling let down by my own expectations, surely I should be past this point by now...one hundred steps forward, it's only one backwards girl
(let them tears fall, no one's strong every single minute, of every single day, it's ok to be afraid, to admit you're only human...that the pain gets overwhelming somedays)
I want more than I can give, I want to do things I once never gave a second thought about
but I know I have all I need...
It's still a struggle though, it's hard not knowing but just trusting...
it's hard living independently when you're a stubborn little shit *smirk*, 
with limitations you're still adjusting too,
when you're hopes & dreams feel mangled like the wreckage of that car...
and just right now I'm feeling trapped inside once more
(This is just about expressing, tomorrow's a new day & it's gonna be ok)


Monday, September 5, 2016

Don't You Judge Me No More...

My eyes are puffy, the skin's blotchy & itchy as hell
Between not sleeping at night & breaking down several times a day
I'm doing the best that I can
and you can fuck right off, if all you got is your God damn opinions & judgements
Go on, threaten me with  consequences
Boy, I don't give a damn 
you mean nothing in my world
so keep flapping those gums, I'm not hearing anything you've got to say (run that mouth)
If you wanna say I'm falling apart & not good enough...keep it up (keep it up)
As if I'm not beating myself up enough, already
Everything I've ever done wrong, every shitty thing
is haunting me
Every time I close my eyes
the devil's showing me flash cards of my blackened history, telling me it's not over...
that's the real me
I try to smash the mirror he appears in
but how can I smash myself up side the head?
I know in my heart, they just mistakes & poor choices I once made
That ain't me no more, I'm changing everyday 
working to be a better daughter, friend, person (maybe a lover, one day)
Black skies and thunder clouds 
I'm my own worst critic
I don't need no more judgements
bringing me down
I already think I'm shitty enough
in this head space
Nothing's gonna change how I'm feeling right now, but feeling everything that's washing over me
Nothing's gonna fix me, but me believing in myself 
but me challenging the bullshit on loop, within
And fuck you, your judgements 
ain't bloody helping me
(so keep it to yourself x2)


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Struggling/Motivation Drying Up

Can't be fucked doing what is meant to be done
Don't care about how 'presentable' I look
Don't care what you think
(I'm beating myself up enough, without your two cents worth)
I just don't fucking care for your laid on thick, positivity wins over everything, bullshit
Turn away if you don't wanna hear this
turn your back on me, when I may just need a bit of supporting...but, nah I know you enjoy
tearing others apart & down
I don't fucking care if this mood too, shall pass
It ain't budging right now, but it's killing me inside...
not that you really give a damn, you just bandage my mouth and quip "suck it up"...
Hey, well...
fuck you too!