I’m (not) a fu*k up

I’ve been beaten and bullied

only to turn around and become that which I hated…and more.

I loved those who would go on to sell more than my soul

I danced and rumbled with the devil and

tried to escape in a cascade of substances 

I tried to initiate my suicide and homicide many times…

Listen child, you survived

you climbed out that meteorite crater deep in the chasms of hell…

Wrapped in the wings of an angel from God above, you arose like the phoenix,

in stages you reassessed the carnage 

and wandered through the chaos,

rebuilding, as you took in the reality,

striped off the labels (well tried to),

all while trying to change attitude and behaviours, hearing truth…that sometimes brought out more guilt, shame

You overcame child, saw something different and went in for the golden armour of faith and resilience 

Look, I’m fuc*king human,

I will make mistakes and sometimes the ones from my past will rise up…to bite me in the as*

I own only what is mine

and sometimes I’m a little slow to see the lessons - literally slapping me in the face,

but child, believe me when the pain is deep enough and I remember what’s at stake…I’ma going dig in and change

“my thinking, my actions…my responsibilities”

We all fu*k up in life,

but we also can gain awareness,

which become a weapon of choice (changes)

freeflowpoet 

Gone

I don’t actually know what you think of me

if you think I’m perfect, or got all my shit together, in a neat zip locked bag…

You don’t see me curled up in a fetal position

after having my life dragged up, and being re-traumatised…it’s got nothing to do with the actual assessment I was meant to be doing…

You don’t see me trying to calm an inner child

she’s black and blue and limp, I can’t feel calmness

I can’t console her, she is me & while I’m numb and dissociated from myself…

I can’t feel anything but panic, internal

Like I’m sitting beside myself, cradling myself but it’s just an illusion…she was forgiven long ago, I forgave me (or so I thought)

and every time I close my eyes 

I see everything all over again

I feel the darkness consuming me

the tv is on the fritz again and the images are black and white static, it’s as if I’m slipping in and out of consciousness…as if I was reliving it all…

It’s frightening having awareness that you’re outside yourself, split and fractured…

feeling at odds within myself but knowing this is temporary and I’m ok, just overwhelmed…

I identify shame, shame that I thought I was beyond this

Shame, I couldn’t get all the words out…

Shame, I let me down again (I feel like I’m a failure, like I can fix others, but not me…& yet I’m not broken, I know this)

I know this

freeflowpoet

*Strong trigger content* The match flashes suddenly…

Serenity broken, just like that

A match lit, quick as that

the switch got flicked and the demons swarmed…

I hear the teeth gash at my femininity,

no violation, hasn’t been in years now

but one moment, one trigger…

and my body remembers,

while the mind just spits up every fucking image

There’s no tears right now, cause this will pass again,

cause I know it’s not real…not anymore,

it’s just a bit unpleasant and sickening in this moment

and every nerve within me screams and tingles, as I’m stuck in squirm mode, 

silently denying consent, echos on my eardrums…I was the only one to hear it yesterday year…and again here

But it’s alright, I’m alright 

stronger, I’m stronger

I know this is just a finger running over scars

and nothing more

a distant triggered memory…

I survived, I’ve got that…and more than

all of you will ever know

the demons will get bored and fade back into the darkness

as the match dies out

faith blankets my inner child, I self sooth (no longer just whip “that bitch”…cause she’s innocent (yeah, she is me & I was/am innocent too)

God that feels good to hear me say

cause it’s settling within

cause I know it’s representing truth

this is just a body memory, what happens when the triggers pop (surprise, oh yeah thanks, a fuckin’ surprise)

freeflowpoet

You’re not alright/You’re not alone

Wishing healing from trauma was as simple

as an eraser to the mind

or taking out a set of eyes and wiping the shit clean

before resetting them back into the sockets

but it’s not…

If I could make you un-see all the shit that occurred 

trust me I’d happily take it from you, so you’d no longer hurt or feel that heavy sadness 

that looks so familiar as my experience, but its not

It’s yours 

but your sadness, is an emotion I understand 

here take my hand and let me use this empathy…

You’re not alone, I’m here just sitting beside you 

You don’t have to say anything, or you can curse at the hand you’ve been dealt

or cry all your fears out

and I promise not to insult you by wiping them away before you’re done

This is something once given to me,

and this is the premise of paying it forward…

may you also find a little bit of peace,

It’s sometimes hard to admit life can weigh us down

It’s ok to be not ok

but if it’s like that, all I ask is share it

It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright (cause you’re not alone)

You’re not alone

freeflowpoet 

It’s not black and white

You are my Yin to my Yang,

my anger to my love,

my lava to my rain

my crumbling clay to my crisp fresh air

You’re the keeper of my demons, you’re my trumpet call of my archangels 

You’re my black wolf, you’re my white wolf

and my conscience is my area of gray

I hold an overflowing glass of anger

while a shattered glass of rage wets the table that sits to the side of me

and I grip tight a glass of calmness…

looking forward to drinking from the cup of peace

So many mistakes, so much pain…you are my past

So many smiles, so much love…you are now my past as well, but still my future too 

You’re my demise, the voice that condemns and lies

You’re my encouragement, the voice that builds me up and challenges all my doubts

I am complex, as humans are

one is a relationship laced with regret and harshness but growth, the other a relationship of amends and loving guidance…both lead me down different paths, that crisscross 

until I find the point I must step off

I don’t have to choose a side

for both teach different lessons, ahh the penny drops 

One is the hell I sometimes revisit through flashbacks and triggered memories 

The other like heaven filled with wisdom and forgiveness 

both reinforce my choices for today,

both bring tears to my eyes,

both influence who I am and why

both litter my heart with pain, two different similars

two different goodbyes, 

two different types of tears…

but it’s all enmeshed grief, two different goodbyes 

freeflowpoet

I Cannot Change my Past (Know Thyself)

I wouldn’t waste my time to go back and tell a younger me “don’t do this or don’t do that”

I know I wouldn’t listen, I was stubborn like that!

I know it wouldn’t change anything I survived

cause I didn’t trust myself, so why would I trust someone saying they were a future me...I’d probably write the meeting off as a bad trip or someone I’d have to guard myself against.

It’s a sad reflection, knowing I’d flip myself off and disregard all I know now, cause I didn’t feel worthy or really cared, back then

life was a slow suicide loop, stuck!

And yet death felt too good for the filth I thought I was...

How can a child think so lowly of themselves?

I’m glad I came out the other side, alive and renewed with a thirst to thrive

I (really) don’t care what others have to say about me

nor do I care what people think

when I write about learning all over, how to love my inner girl...so I can learn to love who I want to be as this adult, who’s just trying to figure out who she is...get to know thyself

and maybe then I’ll let you

in

freeflowpoet