How many times can one's world shatter from under them?
How many times do I have to hear "you're a strong girl"
and be expected to stand right up after a blindsided TKO?
Would it matter if I shared what was really eating me up
and killing me inside?
But if I told you the real reason behind my fears and all these tears...
it wouldn't matter, cause you've been along this roller coaster too
you've never left my side - I kind of think you'd be hurt either way
Yeah, that's right
My hurt, guilt and shame is compounded by the hurt I cause you
(haven't I caused enough and yet still I cause more)
I can't apologize enough, I'm trying to hold my head up
but when you're out of sight, it just drops and I feel like all my muscles are solid steel knots,
Weighting heavily on my chest
I feel like I cannot breathe, like I cannot go on fighting anymore
...but you give me hope, your love and support encourages and soothes me
you're faith in me nurtures and enriches
I see you cry and it tears me apart inside
cause I love you and I so want to protect you from pain
but you are right there by my side
Oh God, I feel so endebted to you...
I don't right now, feel like I'm deserving of any compassion or assistance getting back on my feet
in this dark place I'm sitting in
I'm only deserving of the beating I give myself
I'm only deserving of giving in, all I hear in my head
are the judgements I put in your mouth, that I believe you say behind my back...
Yeah I also hear the reassuring voice of sanity, telling me "that's all lies"
but this constant back and forth battle and physical journey
has me wanting to get down on my knees, has me wanting to pray for an escape
but once I get down - how will I get back up?
I cannot get that image of your tears streaming for my battles, out of my head
I've hurt you so many times
and sorry is just not enough, nothing I could ever do or buy will be
I just want to stop disappointing everyone and myself
I just want to give in
(but I haven't got that in me yet)
freeflowpoet
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