Define This...

I poured words out before I even knew half the words I penned

but I knew what toxins emptied out on the page, even before I used em to numb

the evils I had witnessed, survived, committed and would do later on

I've been called so many names and blurred so many labels

cause you can't define what hasn't even thought what it means to exist

fuck, I lived one second to the next just trying to crawl by unnoticed...

while seeking someone who would see me, the real me

not the masks that fit the situations I found myself in

I let the labels fit

I was a fat whimp, a welcome mat for anyone to wipe their feet on

I was a tomboy who hated girly girls...cause you said I was gay (so I had to be butch)

yet I was the sort after flavor of so many men, before I was 10

I wasn't gay, I just wanted to be a child...I hated everyone who wanted anything from me

I was the best friend, the one who could hear all your secrets and keep them

never mind the fact you never knew the secrets I already was holding onto

cause you never asked me why I never smiled

cause you never asked to read the scribbles on the paper littered around

All anyone had to do was read between the lines

All anyone had to do was believe the words I was screaming out

All anyone had to do was ask what the razor blade scars were for

All anyone had to do was ask why I was covered in bruises most days

All anyone had to do was give this child a hug, show real concern n love - not lust or one night sex

All anyone had to do was question why I was high all the time, why I was so angry night n day

Now I'm older and clean n sober

I still don't act like someone I'm not

yep, I'm not the women you'd think your mother would approve of

yet I'm more than you'd ever want, if only you'd take the time to get to know me

And now I've been where I've been

the ones who need to hear the things I never did

are still just like I was then...unknowing of something better inside their reach

CHOICE

but they don't think anyone hears them or will protect them from harm

they don't listen to my words like others didn't back when I was trying to find my place (myself)

What does an old timer have to say that counts?

As much as I wish to save others from making the same mistakes I made

no one can force anyone to change

all I can do is leave the porch light on (thanks mum)

and be there if they come around

cause I still won't be defined - I am who I am

freeflowpoet