Integrated

I cast no reflection in mirrors
I cast another side of me, I hate
and yet there's days when I'm just consumed with a fire, hotter then hell itself
In it's wake I feel nothing but hate, full stop
I try to correct the lies that linger from my traumatic history but it's weaved amongst my very core
and so I am the wrath that protected me, while it also punished me
with harm to myself and those I'd professed to love and protect
I am all the guilt and shame I carried
and rears it's ugly head every now and then
and I whip myself, beat the softness out of myself
beat her black and blue, hold her up by the hair and scream "I am our truth, you are nothing but an illusion"...
This beast I switch to is built upon fear
fear of her taunting being false (OH AND IT IS)
fear of the hurt she inflicts on my innocence being exposed as hers (OH AND IT HAS BEEN)
fear of letting me become the person I know is my truth (and yet it overwhelms me when I attempt to reach my self-actualization...and I deserve to be the best i can be)
fear of being forgotten, left behind in the ashes of my past (I acknowledge the purpose my wrath served but it needs not be haunting me 24/7 anymore)
fear of the destructive force...I cannot turn off once kicked in
...
I am full of fear, I am afraid of myself
but I am who I am
not what happened to me yesterday

freeflowpoet