Just A Phase

I tell myself this will pass
but who am I fooling? These 'phases' feel like they're creeping upon me
more and more, dragging out and dragging me...
under
My eyes are stinging from lack of sleep
and my desire is screaming "get on, get on"
Who am I kidding? One day at a time I'm just prolonging misery
either road - the one I'm on or the one I've been down
feels the same in my head, it all feels like overwhelming dread
Fuck you, go on lay your judgements down upon me
tell me cause I'm not 12 stepping it like you suggest
that my recovery is a sham, that this obsession to score will bring me undone
Fuck you
If you'd only step inside my shoes this past few years
feel the loss of independence I have, feel the loss of self esteem I have
cried the amount of tears I don't let fall, I don't allow anyone to hear or see
feel the loss of all that empowered and supported my growth...
to have your whole world shatter from under you
and have to be pumped full of the very drugs you abused
but have to wield the self control to work with doctors caring for you
and say I need to cut back...to I don't need those no more
Lesser men have fallen and lapsed or relapsed over and over
I'm still counting (just...hear that, just) my 13 years clean
I don't want to tell anyone my fears, the nagging voice in my head
telling me "no one will be surprised, you're a fuck up anyway"
"you know it, they know it...fuck just use, once...come on, self medicate"
"USE, USE, USE...ice, ooh cocaine (remember that rush), a little bit of smack, just washed down with a Jimmy and coke...party with me like the old days"
Yep, the old days...nothing worked, I'd OD and still knew this swamping unhappiness
using...will not fix this and I know it'll not make me smile today
or make these tears quiet and dry
I need to voice my inner fears, please understand that
please let me say this shit
cause I need to let it go and work on fixing me...
THIS IS NOT A PASSING PHASE
this will be a reality
if I leave it unsaid


freeflowpoet