Stress, a cause for everything

Nights come without knowledge of sleep

leaving me with a temper ready to explode anytime

they say, all the doctors and wannabes that it's stress

I say it's memories of a past, like ghosts in my face

Tears fall, I'd rather be in silence to cry

I feel like breaking down right here, right now

not caring about the label of a whinging child

when you cry real tears, which come with my emotions

Please don't tell me I need not feel shame or guilt

because deep down I do, inside I feel stripped

ripped off of a child's world, cheated

Afraid to repeat, afraid of these visions that come

dealing by hiding doesn't work with time anymore

Tears fall when I'm reminded, it happens, the reminders

the feelings of helplessness, a lonely betrayal

no one but I sees the hauntings of my heart and head

The soul letting go, I didn't know how good it feels

to release the trapped tears I just hold back

I just can't feel comfortable with eyes that see them

falling

Feelings of a black hole sucking me in, void and scared

of a past I can't erase, encase me

My tears remove my barriers and I feel defenseless,

naked with my shields removed

feeling like that child/youth

I sense for some reason is to blame,

you keep telling me I'm not but the feelings still remain.

Anger mixed with a passion to allow myself the right

not to be afraid of darkness or closeness,

a door that shuts me off, out of your world -

taking me to a self made space of aloneness

no one reaching this place, to hear me in silence...

Why does it have to be that people pull you back

I want to lay these images, experiences,

this painful memory to rest

I want to hide myself cause the undead keep

coming home within

The pit of hell, the abyss I felt trapped in growing up

may have changed over the years

though the walls still feel unclimbable, inescapable

even though I know I'll find a way as I did yesterday

A battle with the devil in my face, as he was in the past

but it's some kind of test I guess, cause I've got no weapons

except strength, courage and will to look him straight in the eyes

Without the weapons of distortion I found to numb

the actions of all who harmed me

Guilt in a sense that I was there, I should've been within the place, safe

Then I wake to realize I knew of no such place,

even when alone

(and now my tears fall)

freeflowpoet 1999