Beatings

Beatings

There's so many tears falling from my eyes, alone tonight

you don't hear the beatings I give myself in the silence of my mind

I'll never be an angel,

how can God forgive me and how can you?

You don't know everything I've done, when I can't even forgive myself deep within

the recess of this heavy heart

I'm lying to myself when I say I have no regrets...

drowning in this dark depression at the things I've lost and caused others to feel

I'm not the saint you make me out to be

I'm a loner, filled with hate and fear

lies eating me alive

Spinning the barrel of an empty gun, imagining the bullets in my hands

instead of prayers

If my anger at my failings could be seen

I'd be charged with domestic abuse

cause I'd be black and blue, near death with the beatings

harsh words I keep from the world, laid upon me

Dismiss this as just words, that's what everyone does with my words anyway

cause my truth's to painful for most to hear

but I've lived it and relive it every time the memories flood back

Tomorrow I'll be fine, this will just be an out pouring of pain I needed to release

you all tell me I'm stronger than the past, you're all so proud of how far Ive come

but why should I be proud?

Wasn't it I that broke everything around me, from relationships to dreams?

Yeah I made some bad choices in the face of some shit I didn't know how to deal with

how to make those who let me down hear, what I was screaming in English

Fought one too many wars

worn one too many scars from battles I've been in and wars waged

It's all too hard to keep this happy mask on tonight

Fuck me man, I'm only human OK

let my tears fall