You Speak Of It

Want me to write about my anger,

Write about my wrath?

Journal my rage,

put undescribale actions down on a page?

A river of lava pumping through my veins,

a burnt chunk of molten for a heart

not even the blackness of my irises can reflect that,

That which is hurt and hate all in one

You speak of things you might do in rage

I speak of things I've done

and I feel ashamed, yet don't regret

I speak of acts that scare me

cause I wouldn't want to do them

but I'd lie to say in wrath I couldn't

and then I'd ask would I even know what I had come to do,

that i had done?

You speak of blind rage like you know of it,

I don't speak it

cause I do know of it

and still it has me afraid,

today.

freeflowpoet

Fighting Words

The silence broken by raised voices in the night

curled under the blankets you don't see

your childs' tears fall

Hearts breaking, words flying

hurtful

hateful

heated

One moment, one word to many

one word not enough

love is lost tonight in the hollow victories

and bitter defeats

Was it really worth it?

Did it make you feel the better 'man'?

Where has the love gone lately

why is everyone around me fighting?

I'm left wondering is love a reality

or a distant memory of the ones before

my time

Cause this heart has not heard love

from anothers' lips in awhile

and I'm beginning to think it just

doesn't exist.

freeflowpoet

Conversation to God

Down on bent knees, hear my prayers Lord
Why are babies born, only to get sick, only to die?
Why are young children filling our hospitals, their little bodies fighting Cancers or diseases?
Why are young children born, only to be neglected or abused?
Why do young ones, boys and girls alike, get raped and sometimes killed?
Why do people fall out of love, only to use their own children as pawns?
Why is there so much injustice and pain, in such a beautiful world?
God, why don't more people see you before they sin?
Why do some abuse, rape, murder and lie for greed?
Why do people hide behind your name and defile trust in you?
Take life in the name of religion and take their own lives...
Surely if God is love and pure, 'He' would not ask such things
why is the Devil able to distort your word and a 'mans' mind and heart
Why is innocence lost so easily when children mature into adults?
I'm sorry for the times I strayed from your gaze and love,
I'm sorry for the times I still do bend your guide...
I know you forgive me cause I trust your word, spoken directly to my soul
I know you don't blame me for the wrongs done to me
Why can't man see the evil 'they know not what they do', when in fact many do know
I pray for no more suffering, injustice and pain...
can't you take back the free will you gave,
can't you open mans' eyes and let them see the beauty that exists,
can't we live in peace with no harm to our neighbors
Lord I pray...
 
 

Patience

Patience

I'm staring at the white screen, trying to produce words that speak the truth within

but there's nothing but a heavy silence, Can you hear it? Can you?

So much time just on hold right now and I'm uncertain which goals to try and chase

and yet I'm trusting in my higher power, that if I just sit in this uncomfortable patience I'm in

the pieces will fall,

fall into place

Beatings

Beatings

There's so many tears falling from my eyes, alone tonight

you don't hear the beatings I give myself in the silence of my mind

I'll never be an angel,

how can God forgive me and how can you?

You don't know everything I've done, when I can't even forgive myself deep within

the recess of this heavy heart

I'm lying to myself when I say I have no regrets...

drowning in this dark depression at the things I've lost and caused others to feel

I'm not the saint you make me out to be

I'm a loner, filled with hate and fear

lies eating me alive

Spinning the barrel of an empty gun, imagining the bullets in my hands

instead of prayers

If my anger at my failings could be seen

I'd be charged with domestic abuse

cause I'd be black and blue, near death with the beatings

harsh words I keep from the world, laid upon me

Dismiss this as just words, that's what everyone does with my words anyway

cause my truth's to painful for most to hear

but I've lived it and relive it every time the memories flood back

Tomorrow I'll be fine, this will just be an out pouring of pain I needed to release

you all tell me I'm stronger than the past, you're all so proud of how far Ive come

but why should I be proud?

Wasn't it I that broke everything around me, from relationships to dreams?

Yeah I made some bad choices in the face of some shit I didn't know how to deal with

how to make those who let me down hear, what I was screaming in English

Fought one too many wars

worn one too many scars from battles I've been in and wars waged

It's all too hard to keep this happy mask on tonight

Fuck me man, I'm only human OK

let my tears fall

Only Human

Only Human

You all think I'm so strong cause of where I am right now

because I've come back from being at rock bottom so many times

because I'm trying to redeem my soul by reaching out to others,

cause I'm trying so hard to be a better person inside and out

What did I do so wrong, that I've suffered like I have?

It's OK for you to stand there and say it's all over, that it's in the past now

but what about the scars I wear down my arms, no one can remove them

(no matter how faded they've become over time, I still see them)

but what about the things you can't see or fix

(the self hatred deep inside, the disbelief of love for another, for me)

but what about the tears that never fall, or you don't see

(cause you've told me so many times how proud you are, that I feel weak showing you I still hurt)

I can't lie, I don't regret where life has taken me

but its been such a hard road, to walk

Forgive me

when I turn away, go silent

allow me this minute to grieve, please?

So many goals and dreams shattered

I even sunk so low that I would stick several needles up my veins each day, just to

aww fuck it, it didn't numb anything

or take anything away...

death couldn't touch me, once twice three times

(more)

I'm only human and yeah I've dealt with so much

but it's still a stain in my book, upon my heart

and it still hurts some days

In To Deep

In To Deep

I threw out the rope for you to grasp

you just slapped me across the face

spat upon everything we had

and then threw away your dreams and happiness

You can't blame anyone but yourself

I say this as a mate speaking truth...

and you know it as well

I've been the violence you're buying

to 'protect' the image of what you think is being a man

but your anger at simple words spoken by a substance

is your only justification

What are you trying to prove?

What are you running from?

Do you even know what you're wanting these days?

Is the thirst and crave really stronger than the treasures you've carved in this life for yourself,

that you'd give it all away

as if love and security,

happiness and serenity,

sanity and calm

meant nothing to you now?

I'm a friend and I promised to never turn my back

on you

but no one can talk sense with you

when you're not you anymore,

when you give your soul to poisonous substances

to hide falsely behind...

false pride,

false self righteousness,

false self confidence

and only misery, repeating day in day out

Is this really what YOU want to CHOOSE? 

Shatter Ball

Shatter Ball

Where has the color gone from your eyes honey?

Half shut shards of lifelessness

Pin prick dots of ink blots,

your poetry doesn't get told when you're gone like this

A pattern pulse, weak and frail

like the foetus you resemble now

curled up, like the twisted crumpled paper you once wrote words upon

forgotten

discarded on the floor

next to your dreams

Two pin points look out on a world, numb

As your legs twitch and your facial muscles jerk

I know you crave to stay like this

But come withdrawals, come the pain

Come play

Shatter ball

Touch

Touch

Sweet soft gentle hands

cup my face like velvet gloves

Red ruby lips quiver under flowing tears

Like innocent babes

I only want

to be pure.

Journey of the Soul

Journey of the Soul 

I thought the battles were over,

I really thought I'd won

Many an unholy beast have I slain in my quest

I've marched on and on across battlefields

I've earnt every kink in my armour, every scar I bare

and yet I cannot bare the blood on my hands

no matter how many times I pray

I know it's my nature to be a sinner

all cause I was born of flesh and bone,

all cause I was born a 'man'

These demons I'm continually plauged with

for every two steps forward, I feel there is one backwards to

I'm tired from my burden

but there's no tears left in my once innocent eyes

I've seen to much of mans' destruction,

felt to much hatred instead of love

learnt so young the lessons of fighting 'men'

(if that is what you can call them)

My trust is tainted,

but I must still believe it exists

My idea of love shattered,

but still I piece together my heart and hope...

one day it'll feel true love and know it's for real

again

I'm not perfect, but I do intend being

the best I can be

I extend you an invite,

I'm on a journey of the soul

there will be no material treasures

but there will be riches beyond your wildest 

dreams.

Back And Forth (Don't Leave Me)

Back And Forth (Don't Leave Me)

If there was a burning bridge between us

I'd cross it just to be with you

Please don't leave me

I'm sorry we fought again last night,

I'm sorry I didn't bite my tongue,

I'm sorry I raged again, I know I promised no more of that

Please forgive me...

one more time

It'll be the last time I swear

If there was a chasm between us,

I'd scale its' walls, just to be with you

Once more in those arms

And if you still pushed me away

I'd forever hold out for your heart to return back to me

and cry, never ending tears

wanting you, even if for just one more night

I never want to be without you

Go on walk away, break this tender heart

I don't blame you babe

I'd walk away too with all this back and forth we do

I love you,

Please don't leave me

Give me another chance,

give us another chance, please

I beg of you.

RAINCLOUDS...

RAINCLOUDS...

Doubt clouds my mind

so much time blacked out

trauma and a hard knocks life

have taken their toll on my memories

This child clings to images of happiness and smiles

cause there's more than a fair share of pain,

more blackouts and 'lost' time

in her mind

How much more is there to recollect?

How many more memories can i take flashing back,

of betrayal, neglect and abuse?

How many more corrupt people

have played apart

in shattering the purity and innocence

that should be a given to every child?

I only want sunshine to break through my darkness

of every waking dream and memory,

sadness to be replaced with smiles and peace,

But so far I've only got these

rainclouds and storms

haunting me.

Suffocating.....

Suffocating.....

I cannot breathe

You are like a hand over my nose and mouth,

Suffocating me

You're like clingwrap wrapped around me,

I cannot move

Every word you speak to me

Just pushes me away even more

but you're to blind to see this

I'm drowning amongst three little words, repeated

over and over

I'm afraid to hear them, but you're now screaming them at me

Why must you tell me everytime we talk?

Why must you punish me?

Shh, say no more please

I beg thee

You say "I love you" ,

that makes me want to run and hide

for you say it too many times

and you scare me

Don't you understand what I'm saying here?

You're suffocating me.

All I have to say

All I have to say

You stole not only moments but years

from this child

Like a kid in a candy store

your eyes feasted for awhile

before like the thief that you are,

You pocketed my innocence

and strolled away without a care and sound.

You masquerade as a friend

when all you were was a fiend

laying in waiting for your next taste of sugar,

A child or a naive teenager

innocence and purity all you craved,

it's nothing but a game to you

and you've not learnt a thing

for every time you've been caught,

be it by the law or otherwise

You're nothing but a low life

a predator preening the next catch

of your eye

But rest assured you son of a bitch

justice may have over looked me

in my life

Yet I'll make sure it's a watched step you walk

all your living days

And mark my words

it'll be hell where you spend those days after

your very death.

In The Flesh

In The Flesh

With simple words I sooth the air between us

I pour us a drink to relax the senses

with gentle touch I sooth the tension of your woes

Whispering words left lingering on the airways of your ears

my tounge snakes the outer rim of your lips

I watch you quiver, locked in my gaze

something about my eyes holds your attention, locked in a beauty

you have no idea

something there for you to find, locked in never falling tears

you have no clue to who I am

but you crave me to tend to your searing desire, burning within you

I'm your slave for the passing hour, time is ticking by

I undress the layers of skin, two meld into one

we are nothing but the sex of animalistic lust

a falling hundred dollar bill, i'm worthy of your touch

for now...

You lay down on the covers, I straddle you

I profess to love you, it's what you need to hear

for like me, it's missing from your life

three little words, just words we never hear

Soon I'm walking out the door, adjusting my clothes

another notch in my belt, another deal sealed

I'm not coming down for days...

In the flesh goes the needle,

In this state I'll dance any dance you dare

In the flesh I'm your godess

as long as the price is right and you don't try to rip me off

In the flesh I'm your sex toy to use

for I care not anymore

I'm just another lost soul

and you're just my meal ticket

for the next hour of this night...

In the flesh I'm all seductress

while inside I'm coursing through flatlines

it is death that you see in my eyes, Innocence died

and you only wish to revive me

but I'm nothing, a chemical hooker in this seedy town

Your money is my means to survive

my body is a service I provide

and the cycle starts again

In the flesh...

I am meaningless sex

and a bandaid fix, shawolled by collasping veins.

Dark Places and Apologies

Dark Places and Apologies

Sinking in my own falling tears

looking in the mirror with the smashed glass, reflecting

broken man

lost within my own mistake, which nearly cost me my life

Once so confident

not so tall right now.

I apologize over and over, til my lungs feel like they're gonna burst

how many have I hurt? Words mean nothing, it's in your tone...

I know I'm draining your energy, love can only stretch so far

I know your life is on hold right now

inside I wish you'd just walk away, give up on me

Why, why do you love me so?

Can't walk on these smashed legs of mine, unaided

my nerves jerk and jump, make me twitch

yeah I'm entertaining the depression swimming within

one, two, three...going under, no more air

So many questions, too many struggles now

I'm 32 and yet my soul has out lived those years twice or more over

What am I meant to learn from this challenge Lord?

I'm tired of fighting these battles, walking in the darkness (alone)

I hear everyone saying, including myself

"You came through this alive, there is purpose in this life"

tell me what the fuck it is cause I'm sick of pretending I care anymore...

fed up beating myself up inside, I'm here praying tonight

for an easy answer, a quick fix that won't cause more heartache or shame

I'm sorry I lost control, sorry I let you all down...

what more can I say?

Love

Love

Taking me back, I know I shouldn't linger here anymore

but it feels so good (even as the tears fall)

 it was my last embrace of you

I remember your strong arms, naked skin touching mine

your sweet cologne

What was so wrong about last night?

I'm so sorry I couldn't stay with you,

where ever you are

I hope I haven't scarred you, hope you've moved on

while hoping you've held on to a memory of me, of what we had

what we shared, what you showed me...

Love exists within my betrayed heart

my virgin soul, innocence stripped 

you my savior

taught me not just kisses and sex

substances and dollar bills

submission and control

you my savior

taught me trust and passion

feelings and emotion held within eyes and arms

you taught me how to be myself while with another

you taught me

love

Poised

Poised...

Poison pen poised above my heart

fear in the eyes of a child

dread in the eyes of a 'man'

Promises mean nothing coming from your mouth

Inked dark dreams now the doorway of hell

hath been opened

spawned lies forth your breath

I'm trapped in the grasp of yesterday

choke hold around my neck

with wire veins pulsating panic

I drop to my knees and search for the words of prayer

save me

Justice taunts me

your vile hand holds the key

Slap me

your vile hand marks me

Scratch the history in blood soaked ink

I bleed truth

you bleed nothing, silence

again you mute me

again you laugh at me

again you mock me

again you lie to me

And still I love thee

Poised, I wait for you to right me.

Shapeshifter (Dreams)

Shapeshifter (Dreams)

From out the shadows

they ebb and flow

Nightmares that come to life, life that come to nightmares

in the darkening hours

when slumber should be my only concern

Shapeshifter

a piece of my past that comes to haunt me

over and over again

I cower under the covers and watch with sweat pouring down my back

and face

horror, I scream a silent scream

long winded within, I can't breathe

I'm back in the evils that trouble me

my yesterday has become my tonight

and my tonight an endless time

I can't escape...

All I Have To Say

All I have to say

You stole not only moments but years

from this child

Like a kid in a candy store

your eyes feasted for awhile

before like the thief that you are,

You pocketed my innocence

and strolled away without a care and sound.

You masquerade as a friend

when all you were was a fiend

laying in waiting for your next taste of sugar,

A child or a naive teenager

innocence and purity all you craved,

it's nothing but a game to you

and you've not learnt a thing

for every time you've been caught,

be it by the law or otherwise

You're nothing but a low life

a predator preening the next catch

of your eye

But rest assured you son of a bitch

justice may have over looked me

in my life

Yet I'll make sure it's a watched step you walk

all your living days

And mark my words

it'll be hell where you spend those days after

your very death.

There's A Reason (No Gun)

There's A Reason (No Gun)

There's a reason why Gods' never let a gun cross my hands

Cause I'd do something that can't be undone

or would've done something unjust..even in an unjust world

for deep in my peaceful heart i don't believe

in an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth

I believe in a hope that lady justice

won't always be corrupt,

won't always get it wrong,

won't forever over look this 'mans' rights,

cause I've had no charges heard

that have been done to me,

cause I've not had my time in court

all the monsters and crims in my life walk free

while my trial continues

to run day by day

night by night

As the tears softly run down my face

the mind flashes what would be my outcome

if God did place a gun in my hands

and once the trigger clicks

there's no undoing the damage

One small entry hole, one exploded exit point

and forever these eyes would close

I'd fall down over and over

like a dream i couldn't

wake from

and I'd still bare the pain I wear now

yet over time I'd be forgotten

and my death would be in vain

So no gun will cross these hands

cause I'm meant to win these battles

meant to share my words

to show the other sufferers that despite their pain

we have beauty within,

we are worthy of better things

and this place is full of beautiful things

at present we mightn't see

Child (I Walk Alone)

Child (I Walk Alone)

Never thought you'd get blood from stone

Well child you've never seen this heart of mine

It beats like thunder, booming on your eardrums

There's passion like fire in my eyes,

There's need like a freight train running through

my veins,

There's tears flowing with every word I speak,

every word that passes through my teeth

Anger feeds the fuse within me

that's why you find these arms empty,

I walk this world alone

So not to break your loving heart,

So not to hurt my head anymore

Love is a stranger to my name

hate the food I feast upon

and drink but never get quenched

of thirst on

Pain is your enemy, while it's all I've come to know

I walk alone

I walk alone

I'm untamed guilt and shame,

an imprint of human sin

nothing but a stain upon shattered innocence,

I'll never be (a child again)

Mercy Me...

Mercy Me... 

So full of vile vemon 

A rage built of experiences, bitter and demeaning 

Layers of Innocence, like baby skin, stripped away 

leaving a raw nakedness 

exposed to evil elements 

in a place this child had no choice to 

call 'home' 

Abused, neglected, raped 

Justice sat back while another child 

fell through the cracks, 

of a flawed system 

All love lost 

only harsh lessons to be taught 

Barren eyes look outwards, fire building 

inside them 

and you can only sit 

curse, judge, scorn 

But, not one person 

questions 

why

Pussy footing

Do you feel that soft breeze brush past your leg, my friend?

listen with your heart and you shall not be so alone in grief
for She walks with you where ever you go
Gone physically from this realm, but not from your memory
with each heart beat in your chest She lives on
watching
God has given Her peace from her pain, she lived so long
happy with you, now happy with 'Him'
and She will be waiting for you when your last breath is released
Pussy footing around...   

In response to Nebulous passing away.