Fluffy bunnies

When you see me for the first time

how will you choose to actually see me? Will you believe the automatic preception

or will you man up and try scaling my walls?

When you try, I swear you'll find a maze of darkness

a tunnel so long you'll lose sight of everything you came believing in

and at the center there'll be a final test...will you break through my graphite core

or will you run screaming how insane I am?

For those who stay, for those who see the cracks and hold their ground

I promise to be someone soft yet true to who I am

so harsh yet loving when we don't see eye to eye

I promise to listen and be the first to admit when I'm wrong

I have a heart, I am just human despite the battle scars and acid words

I'm consumed by fear...aren't most of us?

I'm not quite fluffy bunnies and chocolate...just yet

But you just may find that someday

freeflowpoet

Though these fingers

Come cheer me up, bring back the smile upon my face

don't you see it's just make believe

You're just so used to the lies, you only wanna hear my positive psycho babble

but you don't see my head hung low

or me watching everything slip through my fingers

Why would anyone care if I did turn away?

Why would it surprise you, if I did just chuck it all in?

This is not just a complaint about a bad day...

I'm feeling the noose tighten

I'm losing time...

I see it all slip, slip through

these tired hands

And I still hear you telling me "it'll be alright"

though I don't see it being OK

tonight

One slit, drip

drip

drip...

Why amI still awake?

Why am I still feeling everything today?

I guess reality doesn't work either...

just like all the other shit I've tried

freeflowpoet

Don't question, just look into these eyes

Would you mind if I caught your tears before they fell from your sweet eyes,

just held them in suspended animation for awhile?

I hear your fears for me, I hear you question why I keep getting up

each time I'm knocked down

believe me it gets hard to find the strength to go on somedays

yet I do cause I have found treasure that makes me so rich within

Each time I've been knocked down

It has been the richness I found within myself...

that flowed from the love you showed me

when you welcomed me home after I rebelled,

even after all I had done and said

you who gave me life, who gave me a heart to love with

and the strength to never give up when the chips fell short

It's in your eyes that I find the silent words that allow me to go on

You give me the grace to trust in my own higher power, to trust my feet will find

the right path I need to be on

Please don't shed tears over me while I still draw breath

cause having my family is the strength and richness that spurs my journey

on

2012 - for the family I love, who love me for who I am

freeflowpoet

Define This...

I poured words out before I even knew half the words I penned

but I knew what toxins emptied out on the page, even before I used em to numb

the evils I had witnessed, survived, committed and would do later on

I've been called so many names and blurred so many labels

cause you can't define what hasn't even thought what it means to exist

fuck, I lived one second to the next just trying to crawl by unnoticed...

while seeking someone who would see me, the real me

not the masks that fit the situations I found myself in

I let the labels fit

I was a fat whimp, a welcome mat for anyone to wipe their feet on

I was a tomboy who hated girly girls...cause you said I was gay (so I had to be butch)

yet I was the sort after flavor of so many men, before I was 10

I wasn't gay, I just wanted to be a child...I hated everyone who wanted anything from me

I was the best friend, the one who could hear all your secrets and keep them

never mind the fact you never knew the secrets I already was holding onto

cause you never asked me why I never smiled

cause you never asked to read the scribbles on the paper littered around

All anyone had to do was read between the lines

All anyone had to do was believe the words I was screaming out

All anyone had to do was ask what the razor blade scars were for

All anyone had to do was ask why I was covered in bruises most days

All anyone had to do was give this child a hug, show real concern n love - not lust or one night sex

All anyone had to do was question why I was high all the time, why I was so angry night n day

Now I'm older and clean n sober

I still don't act like someone I'm not

yep, I'm not the women you'd think your mother would approve of

yet I'm more than you'd ever want, if only you'd take the time to get to know me

And now I've been where I've been

the ones who need to hear the things I never did

are still just like I was then...unknowing of something better inside their reach

CHOICE

but they don't think anyone hears them or will protect them from harm

they don't listen to my words like others didn't back when I was trying to find my place (myself)

What does an old timer have to say that counts?

As much as I wish to save others from making the same mistakes I made

no one can force anyone to change

all I can do is leave the porch light on (thanks mum)

and be there if they come around

cause I still won't be defined - I am who I am

freeflowpoet

Just A Phase

I tell myself this will pass
but who am I fooling? These 'phases' feel like they're creeping upon me
more and more, dragging out and dragging me...
under
My eyes are stinging from lack of sleep
and my desire is screaming "get on, get on"
Who am I kidding? One day at a time I'm just prolonging misery
either road - the one I'm on or the one I've been down
feels the same in my head, it all feels like overwhelming dread
Fuck you, go on lay your judgements down upon me
tell me cause I'm not 12 stepping it like you suggest
that my recovery is a sham, that this obsession to score will bring me undone
Fuck you
If you'd only step inside my shoes this past few years
feel the loss of independence I have, feel the loss of self esteem I have
cried the amount of tears I don't let fall, I don't allow anyone to hear or see
feel the loss of all that empowered and supported my growth...
to have your whole world shatter from under you
and have to be pumped full of the very drugs you abused
but have to wield the self control to work with doctors caring for you
and say I need to cut back...to I don't need those no more
Lesser men have fallen and lapsed or relapsed over and over
I'm still counting (just...hear that, just) my 13 years clean
I don't want to tell anyone my fears, the nagging voice in my head
telling me "no one will be surprised, you're a fuck up anyway"
"you know it, they know it...fuck just use, once...come on, self medicate"
"USE, USE, USE...ice, ooh cocaine (remember that rush), a little bit of smack, just washed down with a Jimmy and coke...party with me like the old days"
Yep, the old days...nothing worked, I'd OD and still knew this swamping unhappiness
using...will not fix this and I know it'll not make me smile today
or make these tears quiet and dry
I need to voice my inner fears, please understand that
please let me say this shit
cause I need to let it go and work on fixing me...
THIS IS NOT A PASSING PHASE
this will be a reality
if I leave it unsaid


freeflowpoet

Freedom Of Choice

Two hands either side the mirror, I'm trying to hold my own gaze

but I can't see anything pure or innocent

you tell me I'm an angel in human form

yet behind your back my true form morphs

breaking free of this taunt tight skin, the demons in my head come to form...

Words spit at speed, vemon from the very depths of hell

All the hate, torment, violence, all the wrongs youthful eyes saw

visions of the fires that this hateful world contains

spewed forth, regurtated

Go on feel all the hurt, all the pain, all the fears this once alive child felt before dying a human death

only to be recycled into the very sin that will now consume all who condemned

all who stabbed and kicked while she begged forgiveness

Tears of blood ran free in the streets, the heavens opened up

The war between good and evil halted upon that very second...

God found an angel in Satan's bed and she shed her feathers to make her child's bed

and from that moment the in laws feud rolled out

knocking every man, women and child to their knees

I am neither angel or demon

I am neither man or women

I am neither positive or negative

But

I am my own freak

my beauty is soulful and deep

I am neither saint or sin

I am whoever I choose to be...

Whoever I am in the mood to see when I lift my head

and gaze past all the grime this world pretends to be covered in

Can't they see

they are free to choose,

Can't they hear me scream?

freeflowpoet

Lies In My Head/Lies In The Mirror

Lies, that is all my head tells me

I know that for I preach it everyday

But I'm just like you...different and unique

I feel like I'm judged every second, everyday

It's not you, yeah - it's me

I hear myself say all the positives in the world

yet inside I'm suffocating from ego

yeah that bastard self will, there ain't no spirituality within right now

It's the monkey on my back, screaming and laughing

"what you really think this bullshit will stop me...you think you'll win"

Fuck, lord help me

I'm helpless alone, my strength is gone right now...

I'm about ready to drown

I don't know who to believe, if I wanna believe...anything

I hear my own voice saying "one day at a time" and "you know you need to get out ya head - cause that's where the true BULLSHIT is"

While inside my head all I hear is

"go on go isolate, be alone"

"you know they think you're dumb and lazy"

"you know they think every time you say sorry or thank you, it's fake...you're fake"

"you're a freeloading excuse, a pain who's always in the way...it's really all about you"

"a little shot of H will take the edge off, especially washed down with alcohol ...and a dose or two of those PAIN pills, you wanna try this ice...the old speed freak in you craves, go on what harm will one more run do"?

God ( as I understand you) I pray please take this obsession away

I know my head lies and twists emotions when I'm lost within this beast

I know what is truth

and being alone won't serve to help anyone...

No matter what my head screams

I know the truth.

freeflowpoet