Don't You Judge Me No More...

My eyes are puffy, the skin's blotchy & itchy as hell

Between not sleeping at night & breaking down several times a day

I'm doing the best that I can

and you can fuck right off, if all you got is your God damn opinions & judgements

Go on, threaten me with  consequences

Boy, I don't give a damn 

you mean nothing in my world

so keep flapping those gums, I'm not hearing anything you've got to say (run that mouth)

If you wanna say I'm falling apart & not good enough...keep it up (keep it up)

As if I'm not beating myself up enough, already

Everything I've ever done wrong, every shitty thing

is haunting me

Every time I close my eyes

the devil's showing me flash cards of my blackened history, telling me it's not over...

that's the real me

I try to smash the mirror he appears in

but how can I smash myself up side the head?

I know in my heart, they just mistakes & poor choices I once made

That ain't me no more, I'm changing everyday 

working to be a better daughter, friend, person (maybe a lover, one day)

Black skies and thunder clouds 

I'm my own worst critic

I don't need no more judgements

bringing me down

I already think I'm shitty enough

in this head space

Nothing's gonna change how I'm feeling right now, but feeling everything that's washing over me

Nothing's gonna fix me, but me believing in myself 

but me challenging the bullshit on loop, within

And fuck you, your judgements 

ain't bloody helping me

(so keep it to yourself x2)

freeflowpoet

Struggling/Motivation Drying Up

Can't be fucked doing what is meant to be done

Don't care about how 'presentable' I look

Don't care what you think

(I'm beating myself up enough, without your two cents worth)

I just don't fucking care for your laid on thick, positivity wins over everything, bullshit

Turn away if you don't wanna hear this

turn your back on me, when I may just need a bit of supporting...but, nah I know you enjoy

tearing others apart & down

I don't fucking care if this mood too, shall pass

It ain't budging right now, but it's killing me inside...

not that you really give a damn, you just bandage my mouth and quip "suck it up"...

Hey, well...

fuck you too!

freeflowpoet

The turn around

Despite today being one where behind closed doors

I cry,

My emotions heightened and raw;

tears won't stop falling and yet I can't stay annoyed, sad, hurt, betrayed...just irritated 

by self righteous hypocrites & better than you attitudes (🖕go fuck yourself)

I'm proud of the path I'm on

made so many changes (still a work in progress, that's ok man)

Some of these tears are of pride, so much shit waded through...and I love who I'm evolving into (despite the mistakes I make along way, shows I'm human after all)...never claimed to be perfect son

Thankful for people in my life

who let me go, because of my own toxicity 

but who never gave up on me, who were there when this caterpillar broke out the dried out shell (cocoon)

who taught & showed me unconditional love,

that tears were nothing to be afraid to show

vulnerability- a beautiful thing, not a weakness

Just in this moment I'm emotional 

but feeling so ok...

how can I be swimming in shit,

I look down and have two pairs of adoring puppy eyes, staring up at me

climbing over each other, to cuddle into me

I'm not afraid to be so sensitive today...

for this, is my reality

(Right here, right now)

freeflowpoet

Head fuck

Heart in my throat

hands shaking, anxiety shadowing me

suffocating me

Mind screaming hate, like a banshee 

though it's quiet inside my chest

Bags under both eyes, so over tired

I wanna snap you,

cause you think it's perfectly alright 

to place your foot upon my head, drown me

(in your shit)

I'm breaking free, I'm breaking out

wishing I was breaking your face...

but I'm beyond that, the better man

these thoughts will not be my actions,

I will not give into the darkness anymore

I walk away, wanting nothing more

than you to be out of my life

Do you hear me?

freeflowpoet

Leave me/Love me

Sitting amongst the crowds, thinking of you

wishing I was invisible...

again

Every voice grating on my mind

Every fibre in my body screams

"leave, run, you're not amongst friends here"

The devil's frozen in hell

I scorned that motherfucker, sold him a line

Told him sweet nothings, lead him on...

pushed him over the edge

when I tore his horns from his head

false idols will fall, he fell like scattered petals

I want this monkey off my back

I want you flat on yours...

would you pull me a top of you or push me away?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Get away from me, I don't do lust 

Don't test me, don't act all surprised when my hand lands across you face boy

You know this game I play

who the fuck you think taught me the value of the pawn?

I open my eyes to find I'm alone,

why do ghosts seems so real, hot flashbacks

I wanna shut them out, yet I crave love...

kiss me (I promise not to tear your heart out)

Shh, don't cry...oh fuck, man up

love me, leave me before I do it to you

You're not good enough, neither am I

babe maybe we're just broken pieces of one puzzle...will you let me get to know you?...

I don't know even who I am, but you drive me crazy

Are you even with me, are you even interested

in what I could give, do you want xtc like I do?

I'm just as scared

I'm the one dancing with past scars

dancing with fear of history repeating,

fear of knowing with you, everything will be alright...

my best shot maybe back n forth,

do you trust me?

freeflowpoet

It’ll never be different

Hands on the steering wheel, eyes scanning

a bottle shop triggers a pleading voice within my head

"a beer would be nice right now, well a case...& maybe a bottle of Beam"

I glance down at my watch and frown

it's not even much after 10am

I keep driving while saying a thank you to my higher power

I get a reprieve today, I get to challenge my thoughts before I act 

Cause I know from hearing that insanity in my head

that it'll never just be one of any poison if I picked up

freeflowpoet

Playback

Woah! Rewind that back, press play

Say what! Nah couldn't have been me...

Are you sure it played out that way?

Man, I don't know what to say,

I don't have it stored in my mind, like that...

I'm not capable of that (self doubt creeping in), am I? Nah

It's not possible, how can love and hate coexist in one, in me?

How can the heart love, while these (?) hands harm?

Pure ugliness,

venom spewing forth from the mouth of...

I have no words to describe that,

that wasn't me...was it?

So much anger, so much hate

Who was that person within...

freeflowpoet

Inner Rage

I wanna scream out

lash out and destroy something,

hell anything 

My innards feel like I have the Hulk stirring,

within Bruce Banner, just before the change...

I'm frustrated,

sometimes self loathing,

disappointed in myself,

annoyed, annoyed at being powerless (so human)...

restricted 

Yet I don't act out

or harm myself

(I hurt enough already most days, physically)

and yet I know I'm not walking through this

alone

I know God

hears my conversations and tears,

provides what I need

to be alright, even comforted...

when I don't fight what is

(it just is)

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Breathe in,

now breathe out

It'll be alright 

(Alright)

freeflowpoet

Tough Enough

I was never meant to hurt another

I was an old soul in a squishy fat body, I never felt comfortable in

I took the verbal and physical abuse cause standing up for myself only brought more tormenting

Then one day, it happened...

that innocent child was gagged & bound, kidnapped and buried deep inside a callous heart (veins coursing with fiery rage and silent pain) to die or be forgotten about

In her place, rose a deaf and mute contorted mesh of man's sin...a nameless monster,

all consuming

I said I'd never hurt those I cared about

that promise was broken many times (like my essence)

And the roads I staggered down turned red

blood on my mind, blood on my hands

I was never meant to hurt anyone, 

I was never meant to be so hateful to myself either, yet I did & was...

Fast forward 

I've got my inner child back & have breathed life back into her heart

We are not what happened or what I did to survive

I am that gentle old soul in my own skin (where most days now, I'm comfortable in)

freeflowpoet

Demon on the Loose

Try to be mindful, stay here in this moment

not the past, not the future

Medical withdrawals and added side effects I can't control or predict

only pray I don't act on the irrational banshee screaming

cut, use, abuse yourself, abuse them...fuck it die, die mother fucker, die!

So tired, so damned drained

so fuckin' over this:

the mood swings, the knock me out to reset pain receptors 'sleep',

the zombie over tiredness, the head nods and hooded shut eyes (without any illegal or misuse of substances),

the over the top reactions...I'll bite, snap and spit you out (before I even realise),

the loss of motivation to try while pushing through anyway,

the non stop falling of tears, while there's a smile upon my face,

the not knowing if I'm coming or going, while I know my life is everything precious to me...

as the demon inside my head plays with the wiring, laughing ever so evilly

Feeling as if I belong in a psych ward, rocking back n forth in the corner (alone)

I want someone to hold me tight...but my intentions are corrupt

(I wanna fuck, just so I can disappear, act out and throw whoever away, used;

worthless...this is what I hear myself saying that is what I am, over and over)

I'm down, drowning it feels like, in depression

yet I'm grateful, life is actually wonderful...I am beautiful

This is what it's like living with Borderline Personality Disorder (for me, when I'm without the stability of medication...writing is my therapy)

I see the defects and self destruction swirling, writing it down

soothes the savage beast, I get to tame me once more...

ah, the beauty of awareness and tools to challenge such negative shit

Demon within - leave, you're not welcome here

stop tormenting me, I choose to not give you power...

you cannot rent space within my ears, I evict you 

Cleansed and free, I wanna be

so, I will not listen to the poor me violin you play...

I will not harm me, in anyway

but I will hug you and love you...

until you fade away.

freeflowpoet

NO LOVE

The lights have faded from her eyes

her clothes hide the bruises from another lost fight

her tears fall but no one cares, she's not worth saving, she'll never be anything

anyway

The exchanges occur, she's become what they said she would and a lot worse

She picks up her clothes off the floor, as the unnamed John throws cash in her face and slaps her ass as she slinks ashamed & degraded out the door

She takes the baggy, he takes the cash

She hides in some public restroom

draws up the mix and shoots herself with one shot...

hoping this will fix everything, or just take away her pain

Night comes, so does another few strange Johns

Knocked up & knocked around

Drugged up & numbed down 

another nightmare, wakes in a hospital

she just wishes it would all end

She saids she has no fight left, the nurse mumbles apologies, her baby's gone

hands her a script for some pills and a follow up appointment card...

she has no intention of going any how

She crushes the last few pills left from the bottle she got that morning, half of em where her breakfast washed down with some cheap flat alcohol 

and now the last get added to the speedball mix

A ghost amongst packed city streets, she walks by unseen

but now there's a real reason no one sees her

She's no longer society's scum, she's just another overdose case...

No love

freeflowpoet

I DON'T NEED YOU...

I don't need you to love me

even though I want you to

I'm not going to pretend trauma hasn't left its mark upon me

but I know today, I'm loveable and love ain't gonna kill me like hate nearly did

I love the beauty of innocence in my eyes,

I no longer feel repulsed by my reflection in the mirror

There's a softness in me, my humanity 

no one suffocated that fire within,

no one destroyed it or broke it (nor me)

I may have tried to ignore it, bury it under wrath, pain and drugs

but I was raised with genes of strong stock

and if life has taught me anything 

I know yesterday doesn't define me

but my actions today will

freeflowpoet

Metaphoric knife...

Metaphoric knife...

A storm sweeps through my mind

deafening me, devil trying to distract 

drag me from the garden of serenity I've found

Inside there's a thousand words whirling, high speed

words if you could hear, would cut your blissful perception of memories to shreds

they be the metaphoric knife I would plunge through your heart...

hear the fabric of illusion tear, like my innocence did

I cannot do it, I cannot be so hateful

I see I'm not the victim anymore

I see you haven't walked away scar free

yeah, I see how much you've been harmed

in other ways...

everyone's gone, you're pretty much alone

and while you're continually cleaning up the shit storm of chaos, I see nothing has changed, despite time slipped by 

while so much has changed in my life

I see clearly now, you can't give me the closure I seek (that's between God & me)

freeflowpoet