Try to be mindful, stay here in this moment
not the past, not the future
Medical withdrawals and added side effects I can't control or predict
only pray I don't act on the irrational banshee screaming
cut, use, abuse yourself, abuse them...fuck it die, die mother fucker, die!
So tired, so damned drained
so fuckin' over this:
the mood swings, the knock me out to reset pain receptors 'sleep',
the zombie over tiredness, the head nods and hooded shut eyes (without any illegal or misuse of substances),
the over the top reactions...I'll bite, snap and spit you out (before I even realise),
the loss of motivation to try while pushing through anyway,
the non stop falling of tears, while there's a smile upon my face,
the not knowing if I'm coming or going, while I know my life is everything precious to me...
as the demon inside my head plays with the wiring, laughing ever so evilly
Feeling as if I belong in a psych ward, rocking back n forth in the corner (alone)
I want someone to hold me tight...but my intentions are corrupt
(I wanna fuck, just so I can disappear, act out and throw whoever away, used;
worthless...this is what I hear myself saying that is what I am, over and over)
I'm down, drowning it feels like, in depression
yet I'm grateful, life is actually wonderful...I am beautiful
This is what it's like living with Borderline Personality Disorder (for me, when I'm without the stability of medication...writing is my therapy)
I see the defects and self destruction swirling, writing it down
soothes the savage beast, I get to tame me once more...
ah, the beauty of awareness and tools to challenge such negative shit
Demon within - leave, you're not welcome here
stop tormenting me, I choose to not give you power...
you cannot rent space within my ears, I evict you
Cleansed and free, I wanna be
so, I will not listen to the poor me violin you play...
I will not harm me, in anyway
but I will hug you and love you...
until you fade away.
freeflowpoet
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