Invisible Bullies

Taunted every time I opened my mouth
childhood is meant to be a place of innocence and magic
my only wish was that I was as invisible as I feel inside
but the verbal punches hurt more than the real threats of them touching me
No one asked where my bruises came from, then when they did
my answers where lies, the only thing that then got to hear my truth
was the paper that stayed inside journals or that I screwed up after I had spewed my insides out with ink
cause the paper didn't feel the sting of knife blades over it, like I did
nor did it cry when I held it tight, scrunched up in my fists
just like I felt like, both inside and out
My voice failed when I tried to stand up, cause everyone just tore me down
Yeah I was the fat kid, the easy target
and when I armed myself with weapons and started picking fights
I was just crazy
but I'd left the battlefield of the school grounds
and everyone went their separate ways
People brought up their own children and the very bullies who taunted me
started posting anti bully post on this thing called Facebook
I understand you wanna protect your own flesh and blood
but you're a hypocrite (so am I cause I too became what I despised)
Now we're out of the wonderland of childhood
was everything just a lie, did we not mean anything or any harm?
Cause it sure did hurt and so did my own beatings upon myself
followed by others...just as you taught me to do
Now that we post such messages, does that redeem our past behaviors?
Do you really mean what you post or is it just another bandaid for the self hate we harbor inside ourselves?
I'm sorry for the pain I caused and for the pain I inflicted upon myself
the devil couldn't handle my wrath and GOD didn't have space for lease in heaven then
so I wondered lost on Earth and yeah I've grown and learnt the value of life now
but the faded scars on my heart from childhood still burn somedays
and the memories of who I turned into haunt me
Are any of us beyond redemption?
Will you forgive me, if I forgive you...and neither of us will settle the score
within our own selves, but continue to pretend
everything was alright growing up
everything is alright today.

freeflowpoet

Flirting with danger...

You drive me crazy the way you just do everything that gets under my skin
I should hate you cause you're poison to my system
but that's what I love about you
You're so damn attractive while oozing danger, every time we're together alarm bells ring inside my head
and I can't help but run straight into your web...I am powerless over your beauty, I'm just a moth to your flame
I want you to give me all the promised dreams, while knowing all those things will bring me undone
I keep you at a distance, aching to embrace you, just have a taste
I keep you close, dancing and flirting with your sexy illusion
knowing we're so wrong for each other
lusting for us all the same...
I know what these words are talking about while everyone else can only ever guess


freeflowpoet

Truth

My mind is a machine gun
thoughts, feelings, memories
become the bullets that rip my soul
from peaceful sleep
Here lies in front of my own face
fears I have faced time and time again
I feel alone, despite being told I'm not
what this feels like, looks like, tastes like
is me being abandoned again
another slap of reality when it's not real
I know the reasons
but it still fucken hurts
I'm scared of the unknown
yet I know inside that we will be alright
cause you are all still in my life
I see more than just my needs now
and yeah I can be self centered and like "this is all about me"
but relationships don't work like that
and I know from experience
we never abandon each other
NEVER


freeflowpoet

The Prize

Hands either side of the mirror, eyes on the prize
I'm facing myself, no one else
my perception of who I am, isn't true of who I was meant to be
it is nothing but amour that has served it's purpose
and here I stand, removing the layers
Sweet brown soulful eyes that shine with life
I'm a woman, I'm proud to be one
I do enjoy simple things,
shopping and long conversations about deep and meaningful things
and just the everyday things, like the color in the sky,
the rainlets dropping upon the flowers and trees outside
I do enjoy expressing the secrets of love, but I need to do more of this...
I'm not as afraid anymore, I know the skeletons in my closets
I know they belong left on the path behind me
and I'm learning to trust a little more of myself
I'm a women and I deserve happiness

freeflowpoet

*fluffy bunnies* :)

Best I Can

Veins twist around muscle and bone, snake through me
my head connected to this thumping heart
one, two
one, two, one
one, two...
In my ears I hear each beat, it sounds like the bass in my stereo
I feel the demon stalking in the darkness of my mind
cause that is where I've wandered tonight
I face the world determined to be the mask of a strong women
...but I crumble with fear
I watch the mask drop from my hand, smash on the floor
backed into a corner is how this feels
I struggle just to get one breath into my lungs
My legs run, I've lost control...
but really this is not my weakness, this honesty is my strength
I may have looked as if I was returning to old behaviors
and isolating
but these words prove it's not my will I'm acting from
cause if I was...we all know where this would end
yet I'm still free
and my fears drive me to face the demon within
while you may judge the way I handle my reactions to life on life's terms...
I'm gonna keep on living and doing the best I can


freeflowpoet

Squish

My blood boils
I can't believe the judge denied me justice...again
As I had to put all the years of this rock spider's abuse on paper
then spend a day answering questions, through tears
I couldn't switch off the flashes of his actions and it was so hard not to gag
even my lawyer was sure I'd be compensated for the years of hell I endured
but no
Did I hear him right? Did the judge say he's not awarding me justice cause I won't press charges?
I don't know where the guy is, even if I wanted to have my day in court
He's probably in some single mother's daughter's bed or trying to bed em...
he never cared for discreetness but would brag and boast
And as I read reports of kiddie fiddlers breaching orders or getting off with
nothing more than a slap on the wrist, while scores of victims are locked up in a prison of memories and stench that stains the soul
my blood boils and I can't help but contradict my own morals...never lay judgement
here I can't help myself and just wanna torture these lower slugs in the garden of human beings
I entertain the images of what my self righteous justice would look and feel like...
one bullet to the head would be to easy, so give me the whole barrel to fire...
one shot to the left knee while I stare so intensely into the eyes
(oh GOD the power feels so good, I'm no better in this scenario cause I'm the one now holding the power over another)
one shot to the right knee, come on little spider crawl away...try to run
one shot to the tools of your crime, fuck that hurts hey? Oops did I just stomp down upon your hands as you beg forgiveness and cry pleadingly to me, music to my ears, what was that you said? You didn't hurt anyone...do you really believe your own bullshit?
If you lower forms of scum really never hurt anyone why the need for protection and identity suppression orders when your crimes come to light?
one shot to the left hand, wound you like Christ going on the cross
one shot to the right hand...revenge sounds so damn good, sounds so better than any sentence a judge could pass down
One last shot, right between the eyes as I stare right into them
then just to release pent up rage and disgust, I slam my foot right through your skull
crush it against the concrete then lay a few damn solid kicks into your shell
A life for a life...that is what every victim of abuse loses when that innocence is stolen away...
You're not worth wasting another day, I don't play with demons anymore
I win everyday I live my life doing my best
It sounds good what I just shared but it's just thoughts written down
I'm not your judge and jury, I don't live by a criminal code of unwritten ethics
You're nothing but a rock spider, but hear my courageous roar
"I will survive, I will rise up and reclaim my power, I will live with Godly principles to the best of my abilities and ask forgiveness when I do pass judgement in disgust and entertain 'street justice'"
I don't have faith in our justice system, I don't trust that judges have the interests of victims at heart...but I pray that may change one day, I pray for protection for all our children and I pray for...
Sorry Lord I can't lie, I can't keep a straight face and say I pray for salvation for these creatures...
I just wanna squish them all!


freeflowpoet

Justification of truth & lies

*Warning contains swearing, the topics of suicide, anger and drug references - please seek professional help if you are struggling with such issues, help is available and you are not alone.

I have a swag full of reasons
to justify using
to be the junkie I once was again
As my mind flashes images
and my body automatically reacts
my emotions boil away
in my melting pot
I once hung onto the lyrics 2pac
sang in "Baby keep your head up" #2
"they win when your soul dies"
I believed that enough
to climb down off the chair
and take down the noose
I had made
but it's years later and they've still won
their sins still stain my soul and crush my spirit
Who cares if I live my life...
take my power back?
What difference does it fucking make
when ghosts still haunt my mind
of every night rolled into one
and the blackness swallows me
hands and cocks all over me
my body aches and tenses
all over again
Fuck 2pac
what the fuck does he know
about gang rape
telling girls not to cry...
to keep your head up?
Yeah I can justify self pity,
I can let this and all the other shit
I've crawled through
bury me
overwhelm me
kill me
slowly with a syringe full of speedballs
chased down with a bottle
of Beam or Baileys
Slowly with the fumes from foil or a pipe
smack or speed...
Maybe this insanity will end
with me seeing orange spurts
from a handgun
pointed at me again...
but this time it may be bullets
not pellets
You know what
fuck everyone and everything
I'm expressing darkness
so I can see the beauty of my life,
reality...
Yeah I've been through so much
and I could choose to wash in the past
to slip under the pain
drown and choke on
the tears I keep within
There's days when I'm in real pain
when I don't fucking sleep very well for days,
when I feel bloody useless
Yet I know the truth
and as weak or pussy as it sounds
love saves me,
nurtures and nourishes my soul,
reminds me I'm not alone,
I'm worth more than 24/7 misery
All these thoughts
are just words on a page (or recited on stage)
I speak them,
share them
get up and walk away
leave them and go live my life
clean, free and higher within
connected to my higher power
(You know what, actually I do win)


freeflowpoet