Torn

In a room with no doors in sight, i'm trapped

running from my fears, terrifying fears

slamming into walls without meaning to

this long narrow corridor of haunting terror closes in

suffocating the little air I have left in these panicking eyes

sweat dripping off my wracked body of pain

cramps got me up screaming in vane

vomit comes and goes again inside a stripped throat

I know where I am, but am I really there?

Wanting to imitate a death much deeper than sleep

a lot less than the act of death itself

So much sweat it masks all my tears

tears of need, a need so powerful it chokes me

tears of confusion, frustration and anger

I want to lose these chains of dreams that aren't

for I'm awake...

awake every fu**ing night

like a sink full of ice water I plunge face down

darkness reminds me of death embracing me

smothering the child that tries to escape

visions of pleasure when I know what's behind

the trick the devil pulls on my weakened state

The joker laughs in my face

I'm getting hostile towards those I love and those I hate

I'm getting scared facing the night alone like this

I'm admitting I'm scared of hurting a child that reminds me of myself...

it's me I'm afraid of hurting

freeflowpoet 1999

Something's Wrong

Something's not right in my life

I'm missing something deep inside

tonight I watch tears fall

in a busted mirror I study myself

pulling apart a lack of self esteem

I'm finding a lot of hatred, love and confusion

who are you to tell me I'm wrong

who are you to tell me I need to keep on

be strong when I'm weak

stand up when I fall

The heart always cries

when someone else walks out

I was born alone

that's where I am right now

Switchblade running down my wrist

but I'm not suicidal

tears falling from my eyes

tonight I actually see them

who are you to tell me I'm wrong

who are you to tell me I need to keep on

be strong when I'm weak

stand up as I fall?

(stand up as I fall)

freeflowpoet 1999

Negativity

I know I'm a drifter at heart

to afraid of staying in one place to long

to afraid of listening to new songs

I know only of yesterday and plans for today

tomorrow's to far away to think about

I've got a lot of things that could change plans made

at the snap of a finger click

Mostly it's the way I feel, I enjoy my time alone

a comfort space zone, ten miles square

It's not so easy to get hurt on your own or have others on your back

about issues you've been silent on for so long

Less people to hurt on your own. when you know a choice made

is a choice that affects everyone who says they love and care

Less people to make pressure when you're in the middle of

a moral/ethic fight within

that carries guilt and shame before the choice is or maybe made.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be somewhere else, maybe I already there

maybe I'll just stay a little longer, maybe right now I just don't care

I feel I'm a dreamer, doomed to never hold a secure dream

commitment scares me to much and a contract can be broken

who cares when you've already tasted loss?

And success comes to a stop soon after it begins

Negativity has its rewards as well as its downfalls

what a shame I think this way - a shame to who? You?

This is about my choices, my games, my wins,

my whims.

freeflowpoet 1999

Run Away

Show me the stars made of gold

you melt the ice in my eyes

now we're apart of ourselves

the dance of bitterness is this rage

we embrace the flames of our passion

and another fight starts somewhere,

somewhere we've been

These fists will snap when I command

the rage goes off whenever it tells me so

whirlwind energy of obscenities

hope to hell the child within don't hate

baseball's fun without the ball

and your knees will fall

will fail you

run boy run

run boy run

run boy run, fast as you can

the rage is out for you

i'm coming to hunt you

better run

run, child, run

run (away)

freeflowpoet 1999

Trauma

The metal is part of me, it's like I'm impaled

my skin, every fibre in me

is a crumpled, crushed chunk

I cannot breathe, nor can I bloody move

I have no movement, my limbs just don't respond

I ache, my mental anguish now takes on a physical hurt

My own chest is being crushed, I'm pinned down

by a fastened seatbelt, that isn't real

My mind screams "pull it together, you know this is not reality"

But I cannot, for I am a solid mass...I am the car I was trapped in

2 and a half years past

This is terrifying, I can't breathe on my own

I feel the machines doing that for me, I feel the tube down my throat

my jaw and teeth ache, and I can't pull it out

yet there is nothing there now

I can hear the calming voice, trying to bring me out of this meltdown

yet I sense the blackness of death...or unconsciousness maybe

and it is so enticing and peaceful

I see two glowing orbs of light, is it the hospital lights in the operating room...

or is it something other worldly

is this a memory of the drugs wearing off and being feed into me, while I was under?

I don't know but part of me wanted to stay there...and not breathe any longer

then it faded away and I struggle to draw in and push air out

I'm drowning in never ending tears and mucus

I just want them to stop, I want this to stop

And to those who speed, get impatient or hoon around on the roads

I bet will never see these words or dismiss them with an attitude of "it'll never happen to me"

I just made one mistake, one split second over correction

and the injuries and scars I can never undo

But the flashbacks and panic attacks

pull me back

and my face slams into the airbag over and over again, every time I close my eyes

I hear the impact of metal and concrete meeting each other, a huge slamming explosion

I feel like my stomach is metal

fuck, it hurts to breathe

I want people to stop trying to be helpful, "if you wanna talk call"

I don't wanna remember or relive it

but I can't shut it out

I feel like I'm losing my grip...but it's just normal with trauma

...

more fucking trauma

freeflowpoet

A Shimmer Of Softness

I'm not immortal, nor do I explode or sparkle in the sun

I don't drink blood and I've moved on from cutting skin

I'm not a monster but I know they exist amongst us

yeah, that's right - I've seen them

I've looked into the eyes of many, seen the emptiness of death within

these beings are devoid of remorse, they feed off the fear they cause

they have twisted and warped motives - they believe their own lies

there is no morals or ethics, their bodies hollow

their souls sucked out and vanished...

REDEMPTION

to me it doesn't matter if they mutter "I'm sorry"

so the man in the chair will go easy on them...

I'm only human - final judgement is not my card to play

and there are some crimes, one cannot come back from

My only role is one of two choices..

to give in and let madness overtake me, to hand in my soul

or

to live to the best of my abilities, to grow and let go

FORGIVE

myself for all the self blame, all the self hate

for all the anger and rage stuffed within

for all the hurt I inflicted while lost in confusion

for all the drugs and drink I attempted to block out not just feelings and things

but the love from those who really cared

For all the pain and worry I inflicted I own and if you can accept my apologies

then an amends I make...

You don't have to believe me, as I said before

It's alright

I trust that I'm trying to be the person I was meant to be

and my Higher Power

hears me

loves me

forgives me

and acknowledges my humanness and the things I've come back from

I accept the mistakes I've made

and I try to find the lessons from it all

Here...

I drop my guards

I let in and out love

I am not a heartless or harmful beast

I am not the negative wrath I once expressed through violence and hate

mistrust and coldness

freeflowpoet

Sorry

How many times can one's world shatter from under them?

How many times do I have to hear "you're a strong girl"

and be expected to stand right up after a blindsided TKO?

Would it matter if I shared what was really eating me up

and killing me inside?

But if I told you the real reason behind my fears and all these tears...

it wouldn't matter, cause you've been along this roller coaster too

you've never left my side - I kind of think you'd be hurt either way

Yeah, that's right

My hurt, guilt and shame is compounded by the hurt I cause you

(haven't I caused enough and yet still I cause more)

I can't apologize enough, I'm trying to hold my head up

but when you're out of sight, it just drops and I feel like all my muscles are solid steel knots,

Weighting heavily on my chest

I feel like I cannot breathe, like I cannot go on fighting anymore

...but you give me hope, your love and support encourages and soothes me

you're faith in me nurtures and enriches

I see you cry and it tears me apart inside

cause I love you and I so want to protect you from pain

but you are right there by my side

Oh God, I feel so endebted to you...

I don't right now, feel like I'm deserving of any compassion or assistance getting back on my feet

in this dark place I'm sitting in

I'm only deserving of the beating I give myself

I'm only deserving of giving in, all I hear in my head

are the judgements I put in your mouth, that I believe you say behind my back...

Yeah I also hear the reassuring voice of sanity, telling me "that's all lies"

but this constant back and forth battle and physical journey

has me wanting to get down on my knees, has me wanting to pray for an escape

but once I get down - how will I get back up?

I cannot get that image of your tears streaming for my battles, out of my head

I've hurt you so many times

and sorry is just not enough, nothing I could ever do or buy will be

I just want to stop disappointing everyone and myself

I just want to give in

(but I haven't got that in me yet)

freeflowpoet