Unplugged

I'm told to write everything out,

but how do I explain shit to myself,

let alone those who read to relate (draw strength)?

I handle any one of three ways,

I dissociate, and take flight on cortisol

til I go down or threats (mostly imaged) fade,

I disconnect and tell my story as if narrating someone else's story, while my inner child's tears flow down my face (some kind of connection these days, it gets to me to, child)

Or I bite my lip and run the same script,

over n over

"I'm not the only one this shit will hurt and haunt, I'm not the only innocent framed in this lens)

loyalty will always be one sided - I get that now,

I don't owe anyone, anything, but myself

I don't care what anyone thinks

except when they think they know me from part of a judgemental conversation (mind already made up, that's your version...this, me out of control, in a fetal position shaking with rage fuelled by fear...in wrath, lost for a moment, THIS IS MY TRUTH)

I know imaged shame, I know lies & having to hold secrets, I know violence, I've created it and copped it, I know betrayal (more than you could even fathom), I know true abandonment, trust me I know...I even abandoned myself, lost who I truly was (so I tattooed my initials on me, so to remember my own name)

I won't let you in, oh bullshit! Change has been moulded within me

But, there's still doors I won't open to just anyone, push all you want (I'll implode before trusting just anyone with my history)

You ask how am I meant to grow, or let go?

It's a process, I do reveal parts of me...

just in silence screams or behind closed doors

of court rooms or psychologist's rooms

I know what it's like being under a thumb,

I know victimisation,

Fuck 'they' still hold the reins...

I still feel I owe protection, even though I know that's the biggest piece of bullshit to date

I'm not ready to trust just anyone, I'm not ready to trust someone who feels it's their right to broadcast snippets of my story (without knowing me)

I'm not gonna go crazy, go backwards

Losing control just once was enough to scare even me, again...

Excuse me if I avoid, I'm feeling stripped and raw, feeling victimised all over again,

definitely feeling wrath that knocks me out of myself...

Yeah, this is dissociation...what you can't

see this is trauma surfacing?

It's ok, I'll just walk through it and then shut it down again,

I know what to do

and that's not ignoring this

freeflowpoet

Fear, wrath & total powerlessness

 I’m sitting in a chair watching myself standing before me

What kind of devil’s work is this?

I don’t quite know which one is the real me, weird huh?

I test reality by standing up

only to have my legs give under me,

my heart is pounding, not only in my chest

but my ears to, everything sounds muffled, far away...

I’m confused, I’m feeling trapped

powerless against, what? Memories?

I’m safe surely, or no I’m actually not (I’m just as confused as you, you who tries to reach me)

Why can’t I fucking stand up? Why is my mouth so dry, that nothing quenches it?

Where am I? Am I here, this isn’t my body, WHERE AM I, WHAT IS THIS, WHO ARE YOU, GET AWAY FROM ME

The room has disappeared, I’m not even sure I’m standing in front of...where am I?

Confusion, I’m in extreme flight mode and I don’t know why

I’m AFRAID

but a minute ago, there wasn’t anything to fear...

Voices all around me, I can’t fucking breathe

this is all consuming, I’m feeling trapped 

Pitch black... all is slowing down,

Um, who put that hole in the wall,

No, say it wasn’t me, Oh fuck

wrath hijacked me...

I didn’t even know

I didn’t even know...

freeflowpoet 

Destruction

Why are humans so hell bent on ripping each other apart,

Why must being right, go before understanding or compassion,

I’m getting tired of all the trials, all the ‘it happened for a reasons’, all the lessons I needed to learn, all the betrayals and keeping other people’s secrets (this script is on fucking loop)

I thought I’d laid all the skeletons in my closet bare, thought I’d liberated her,

though it seems they’ve all become...

ghosts

And I’m suffocating from the hands over my mouth (shh, this is our secret, this is yours and for the other innocents left behind)

Silence is not golden, silence is not silver grey

it’s a tear my heart out, through my breast plate shock

it’s a nuclear cloud scream, no one hears you scream when you vaporise into ash and dust

I shake violently as my humanity reanimates,

only to explode in my face, over and over

Such is this dance of get torn down, get back up and rebuild...

survive, thrive (rinse, wash, repeat x2)

freeflowpoet

Trash/Treasure

Pausing before my fingers dance across the keyboard,

It's actually really nice,

I'm hearing the lines I wanna say about who I once was...and I can't

I just can't allow myself to trash talk my essence,

I'm not who, in circumstances, I had to become

I am who I choose to be and become

I choose to honour my past, by unwrapping the present/a gift

You, my audience, cannot see my smile

I love, this love I have for ME

I love, who I have in my life

those who positively challenge and encourage me, not tear me down...or apart

I'm in awe of my little girl's (inner child) resilience

I'm in awe of her (my own) faith and hope

I'm grateful she is who she is (me)

I'm grateful for being teachable, for thirst

I'm just thankful...and so much more

freeflowpoet

Only human

I'm afraid of heights,

Would you please take me off this pedestal you've perched me upon?

I'm only human, son

I have faults and I make mistakes

I'm no idol, hell I'm no angel

This wisdom you think I have, came at a price

and it's my experience or what has been taught to me

What worked for me, might not do the trick for you, will you hear me, will you just understand me?

I'm gonna warn you time and time again,

I'll tell you over and over,

there will come a time when you'll see with your own eyes

I'll trip up, fuck up or maybe just make another mistake...I'm human, son

Stop telling me I can't do wrong in your eyes,

it's gonna happen, maybe we'll just disagree,

maybe I'll say something that's hurtful or (oh no)...just wrong,

I don't know everything

I have flaws, trust me on that

Please?

Take me down from this perch,

you're expectations are too damn high

I will fall from grace, I've done it many times before

I'm only human x1

freeflowpoet

Ode to butterflies (the project)

Hands over my ears

tears streaming down the insides of my cheeks,

I will turn from you

I feel like a failure, for it's my own voice haunting me

I want to put this whip down, but everytime I throw it

that very action, rains lashes down

I stare at the mirror, a girl with a shattered face states back

I know her, but it's been so long

I thought I'd banished this demon

She's back, she's tormenting me

"Cut, cut, cut,

Red River runs, snaking around the white surrounds,

pooling at your feet, worship me, you love that you're alive while I run dry,

you love me, the heat cooling, chaos turns to calm

as the warmth of your breath slows

You know you love the adrenaline rush I give

with each sliver, each slice

come play with me again

cut, cut, cut (no butterflies to keep alive today)"

I quiver but won't back down

No I will not go back to playing with your lies

my life is worth more, my sanity is stronger

There's no bone china here

There's no line you can feed me, I'm not swallowing your bullshit

Go back to wherever you've been

I'll not entertain you

I'll not dance with you

not today, not anymore

I don't need painted butterflies to save me

freeflowpoet

Immortality/Forever Young

There's no life without death child

there's no dodging the years

there's no getting back the past,

so walk with me, out of the shadows

there's nothing back there, but more of what has been

and you've fought your own demons enough,

there's no winning by embracing defeat

(only overcoming it)

There's no reviving your lost innocence

there's no turning back the clock

there's no poison or potion or deal with the devil (there's no devil, just the consequences of man's actions, of yours)

that'll allow you your youth forever,

You're not invincible, you will grow as the sands of time slip by

Ever wondered where your fear of a mirror came from? You never were a believer

in the lies the illusionist sold, no matter what form they were presented to you in

The only growth that stunted was your cognitive processing, you know you just stopped thinking, stopped living...

just started surviving

No, you weren't sold immortality

there never was a forever young

pain and suffering only made time feel like it would never end

but as the hands ticked on (and on, and on)

And now as you walk in the present,

all the mistakes and all the paths you stumbled down

have lead you to this consciousness, this beautiful truth

you're not the child you were yesterday,

you're not the choices you made,

nor are you defined by your story, no victim

but a strong, resilient women

hellbent on thriving

and living life,

knowing the years will keep ticking by

as the brown fades into grey

as the softness folds into wrinkles

as the maturity grows...you come into your own understanding

Life is meant to end, but the story you leave behind

may just be that one tale, another lost soul needs to help them find themselves, their voice

Your experiences, rich beyond a thousand years

your message etched in cyberspace, carved in pages others turn...

Immortality/Forever 

freeflowpoet

As a women

Tell me I know nothing of violence or loss,

Tell me my call for equality, not segration of victimised people wrong...even distasteful 

I dare you to fucken stand a moment, not in my shoes, but my fucken fractured soul...

I dare you to fucken hold these overwhelming emotions that flow from a hurting heart & numb mind

I dare you to tell me again

how I know nothing of violence or loss

I spent years living through all kinds of sexual abuse, assaults, attempted and successful gang and single rapes,

then years trying to rise above my mistrust of both women and men (& myself)

From a rape at just 15, I got pregnant 

only to miscarry, my heart was so fucken hard

it never fazed me, I just used a bit harder to kill any kind of conscience or feeling

I thought after all the work on this chronic trauma

That maybe, just maybe there'd come a day where I chose if I wanted a child...

despite being told it was most unlikely due to the internal damage I carry as an unseen scar of the terror I survived (more than once)

Today it was reinforced, that's highly unlikely 

I'm in that grief, anger, betrayal, unjust, saddness

Go on I fucken dare you to tell me I know nothing of violence and loss!

I'm fucking grieving 

As a women, I should have choice in such matters

As a women, I feel gutted from the inside out...

I don't feel complete, as a women

I'm raw and vulnerable, feel as if I was inside out and torn apart, all over again

I'm still paying for some persons/people's sick 'pleasure'

I don't get to fucken choose,

Now go on, I fucken dare you

tell me I know nothing of violence, trauma, grief and loss...

freeflowpoet

Mystery Visitor

I get notified that my page is being viewed
but I have no clue as to who or whom, you are
I just hope you're getting to know what makes me tick
or that my words give you strength,
to get through your own struggles,
for we never know what another is battling
unless we're not afraid to challenge the "I'm fine" bullshit, society conditions us to say
and find some spark of humanity, amongst the computer age and technology forcefield that separates emotion from 'man',
that would have us believe we're voiceless
and no one really cares...
I do, for I know what it's like to feel alone,
even amongst a crowded City block, in a sea of faces, mindless robots
I hope my words, give rise to that lion's roar within each of us
I hope you, maybe one day drop by and say hello... with words, not just a page statistic
I hope you're doing fine
Feel free to keep dropping by

freeflowpoet