Unplugged

I'm told to write everything out,

but how do I explain shit to myself,

let alone those who read to relate (draw strength)?

I handle any one of three ways,

I dissociate, and take flight on cortisol

til I go down or threats (mostly imaged) fade,

I disconnect and tell my story as if narrating someone else's story, while my inner child's tears flow down my face (some kind of connection these days, it gets to me to, child)

Or I bite my lip and run the same script,

over n over

"I'm not the only one this shit will hurt and haunt, I'm not the only innocent framed in this lens)

loyalty will always be one sided - I get that now,

I don't owe anyone, anything, but myself

I don't care what anyone thinks

except when they think they know me from part of a judgemental conversation (mind already made up, that's your version...this, me out of control, in a fetal position shaking with rage fuelled by fear...in wrath, lost for a moment, THIS IS MY TRUTH)

I know imaged shame, I know lies & having to hold secrets, I know violence, I've created it and copped it, I know betrayal (more than you could even fathom), I know true abandonment, trust me I know...I even abandoned myself, lost who I truly was (so I tattooed my initials on me, so to remember my own name)

I won't let you in, oh bullshit! Change has been moulded within me

But, there's still doors I won't open to just anyone, push all you want (I'll implode before trusting just anyone with my history)

You ask how am I meant to grow, or let go?

It's a process, I do reveal parts of me...

just in silence screams or behind closed doors

of court rooms or psychologist's rooms

I know what it's like being under a thumb,

I know victimisation,

Fuck 'they' still hold the reins...

I still feel I owe protection, even though I know that's the biggest piece of bullshit to date

I'm not ready to trust just anyone, I'm not ready to trust someone who feels it's their right to broadcast snippets of my story (without knowing me)

I'm not gonna go crazy, go backwards

Losing control just once was enough to scare even me, again...

Excuse me if I avoid, I'm feeling stripped and raw, feeling victimised all over again,

definitely feeling wrath that knocks me out of myself...

Yeah, this is dissociation...what you can't

see this is trauma surfacing?

It's ok, I'll just walk through it and then shut it down again,

I know what to do

and that's not ignoring this

freeflowpoet