Metamorphosis (Spread thy wings)

***high trigger content, abuse topic***

Memories, bullets leaving the barrel
no sound but the orange spuirt, vivid
like I was standing looking down it again
back there
Don't know if it's disassociation from my trauma...
or that I've grown to know I was a victim then but not anymore, that like a butterfly
full metamorphosis
Young, wreckless, wild
a child high and drunk, but sober from fear...
the kind that allowed me to fight
til that, like my innocence was stolen to
A group approached, hands pinning me against a wall, hands wondering all over me
kisses forced, stale ciggerettes and alcohol
(so powerful, I can describe it)
laughter, it was (I was) a joke to them,
fair game, meat on a rack in an open market,
except here it seemed acceptable to 'try before you buy'
Darkness, the night, once a sweet friend... no cover here this moment...
A cop car drove past, 3 streets away
they didn't see us, but they saw them
that was enough for them to discard me and run...
Still feel the tears, see myself trembling
I'm watching this as I'm retelling it, that child, so helpless, so scared, numb... I'm numb
A 'good samaritan' passes by, said he witnessed it all, said let him help
I let him be my feet, let him lead...
hang on, this alley is a dead end, there's no cop shop here, just an overpowering smell of rubbish & urine and some street hobo
(who won't leave)
My 'saviour' mutters something and we're moving again
I remember the park, train lines above, Yarra river beside (how fitting that a casino now sits across from this spot...I still remember where this was, but no faces...Nothing except mine)
People pass us by, I try to get their attention
I'm muffled by his embrace...
I'm pushed down on the ground...
he finished off the scrap, discared earlier
(Silent pause)
There's a reason why I wear hardness as a mask...It became a face instead, it had to...
or I wouldn't have survived
There's a reason why it's important to acknowledge my growth, why life deserves to be purposeful and cherished...
For that little girl I once was, for the child I lost through that
For any other lost human, who needs someone to assist them to find their voice,
to cast off the shackles of guilt and shame...
that feels so overwhelming, so heavy sometimes
but isn't mine (or their's)
It's still a scar, the wound healed but still there
I'm not my experiences, they are apart of my story but they are not what defines me
I'm not afraid to be this vulnerable and raw in my truth (just not to the world sometimes)...
that's why I still hide my true self, at times,
that softness, a belief in humanity still having goodness flowing through it...
in myself

freeflowpoet

Don't Ask

Don't ask me how I am

I'll wear a smile, while my heart's breaking

on the inside

I'm fucking angry...

my head torments me, telling me lies

(dressed as truth)

Would you still be here, and not as the ghosts haunting my memories 

I know I wouldn't have changed the paths taken, just stalled the inevitable

nothing I should've/could've said, would've kept the (hearts) beating (song of life)

I'm back at that point in time, you using, me begging...you saying no

Standing in front of myself yelling "tell someone", tears streaming cause I relive losing you...but I'm the one turning blue (you just become another memory I miss)

I'm back in that point of time, reading your texts... replying instead of just waiting for another time (that'll never come)...

angry, cause whenever I press send

they just bounce back

Angry that I never got to see you, where I am now

Angry that I never got to tell you

I don't hate you, I understand that darkness you were lost in

Angry

I'll never get to see your infectious smile...

Angry at this disease 

for taking you so young

that some get it, some don't 

Angry

at another senseless loss,

that makes sense to a soul who's been there

Having fucking empathy

doesn't make it any easier to swallow

It hurts saying goodbye (echoing)

freeflowpoet

I Know They're Lies Today

Listening to a rapper,
spitting lines about not feeling like a person
cause a man took their innocence,
told them a ton of lies, like
Shh, this love is between us, don't tell anyone
It'll tear your loved ones apart, to know I love you more...
I remember being told so many justifications,
I remember being humiliated, when I spoke up
I remember being ignored (like it was some kind of joke, I just didn't get)...I took it to mean no one gave a fuck, when this was supposed to be wrong, I took that to mean I wasn't worth defending, I deserved this (over and over, for years).
It's taken time and there's still lingering scars
I can't shake, but accommodate now
There's still times when those lies try and scream, for my attention
but I know the truth
know I'm not responsible for those crimes against me,
I know I'm only responsible for how I react now
and I care for my inner child, (unlike she was cared for when I was her)
My self worth may wane at times,
though I'm actually proud of how I turned out,
once I stopped running, numbing and harming myself
Once I started healing me, once I challenged what I felt and believed (saw it for what it was, reactions to lies)
I love who I am
I love that I survived...
Nah, scrap that...
I love that today I choose to thrive

freeflowpoet

Dance

I outstretch my hand to invite you in
let you share this stage, with me
only to twirl away, flashing teasing eyes and a cheeky grin
I drop to the floor, watch the curiosity upon your face
I draw you back in with an invitation, call you back with a movement of my finger
jump back up to my feet,
stand in your personal space
then without warning, I shove you away
and spin away, out of reach
I see the frustration cloud your beautiful face,
I slide over, run my gentlest touch over your features (shh), wrap my arms around you
hold the embrace, slow the tempo down
slow dance, walk in life with you
I see the uncertainty in your eyes, I'm afraid to
How dare you even think about leaving me here, alone
I run my hands down your chest, place my palms against your beating heart
Bang, thud, crash
I push you down hard, away from me
I desperately reach out for your arms, as you turn away
No, please don't leave me (I don't want you, yes I do, I hate you, no I don't, you're gonna hurt me, so i'll hurt me for you, I'll leave you first)
Dance

freeflowpoet

*trigger warning* Drowning in Shame...

Memories in the form of demons

crawling from the dark depths of the pit

of my stomach, churning 

Invisible tears fall from my eyes, while the smile sits there, upon my lips

Stigma silences my voice like duct tape slapped over my mouth

snaking around my throat and my heart

Innocence imploding, ripples assaulting me like I was reliving everything, once more

Fighting myself, in two minds

freeflow vs shame (shame's winning)

I'm comfortable with my sexuality

I'm even comfortable with you assuming I'm gay... but I'm not comfortable when that's disrespected and my dignity is disregarded 

Like it has been, more than once in my life

and I've been triggered lately

memories like demons back...

drowning here in shame, I know you hear what this is about,

though I'm still drowning in shame...alone

freeflowpoet

Vulnerabilities

Shove my expression back into the dark recesses of my dungeon, where my memories stain the walls of the rough years

Into the abyss where demons came to torment the child you threw into hell, expecting me to burn, to die a living death

Were you suprised when bones started piling up in your pristine, white picketed fenced yard...

Were you afraid of what prying eyes would say about the blood splatter I sprayed all over your first prize rose bushes & perfect little house, as I slaughtered every demon sent my way?

Did I shock you when I climbed out the crevice in the cracked concrete

that formed after I rumbled with the devil...

and won?

Who am I referring to in my narrative, in this script, ooh yeah, it'll satisfy your crave for gossip if I named the links of my shackles,

wouldn't it?

Maybe it's a she, maybe a he, maybe an institution, maybe a flawed system of a decaying society, maybe it's myself,

maybe it's you

Take your tissues and just leave em there on the table, I'll take one when I'm ready

Not just cause you're uncomfortable with my vulnerabilities and raw emotions 

stop trying to fix me, I'm not broken

(a little chipped and scarred)

I don't need rescuing, I'm already in a better place

My past doesn't define me, yeah it has shaped some of my quirks and defective coping mechanisms...

but I am the warrior I am

I am happier with who that is

for today

freeflowpoet

Addict's demise

A finger snuffing out a flame

one door slams shut, the window another way in

skin torn as you worm through the intact glass

Eyes fail to adjust in the night

cause you're so used to the darkness of depression's veil, second nature this bitter slashing cold rain

There's no sunshine in this place

I hear the taste in every word that contorts from that void deep where a flower once bloomed

the stench of desperation drips from your pin prick irises

Hands of zombie decay, dollars crumble as the bubbles form and swirl with the steel sting

mixing up again

Searching for a way out

searching for a temporary escape from the purtory of living death

just searching for life

but it's a black widow's dance...

and the antidote's just out of reach

freeflowpoet