I'm Sorry

I made a 101 mistakes,
had I not I would never of
learnt the lessons I know
of now
Forgive me for not seeing
the corruption doing full circles
Believe me when I say
I love you sweetness
trust me when I say
don't follow the footsteps I leave
(not those I've left)
I see the pain
looking out my own eyes
sweetness - I do understand
your silence
open your mouth and speak your anger...
I know I deserve it...child

I Am freeflowpoet

The ink upon the page is the blood from my heart
flowing through me, out the pen I hold
emotions laid bare, my baggage unpacked
Am I a cracked record, cause I think I've said all these feelings before
but that's why I call myself "freeflowpoet"
cause I don't think before I open my mouth
cause life has taught me
paper won't put me down
paper won't whip me black and blue
paper doesn't judge whatever I've got to say
paper doesn't pick everything apart
doesn't try to fix me
I just spew forth every emotion
every feeling, every word
I lay bare my honest truth
yep, I really hate myself within
yep, I really am wrath spinning inside
my head
my ego and self will
is years of rage denied
I'm my best client
Rip myself in three
the blackness of sin,
the grayness of reality, in the moment
the whiteness of purity and peace
Every waking moment
this is my life
behind the smile I flash you
behind the tears that rarely fall
I'm so tired of helping others
but it's so much easier than
helping myself
I've learnt to tell you so much
How many times have I heard
"You're such an inspiration"
"You're such a strong women"
When are you finally gonna open your eyes?
I'm hurting inside
and I see the white knuckles losing grip
a little more each day
Flashing back to the moment I lost control of my car
a metaphor for my truth right now
I'm coursing poison in these veins
maybe it's left over from the shit I used to stick in there
I'm reaching a point
I'm back squaring off with the devil
surrounded by his army of demons
God, my head is overwhelmed with anger
I see these fists swinging
I see me in the fight, stomping down upon everyones' head
I speak positivity day in day out
but on this tight rope
I'm feeling tempted to lay down
be consumed by the dark side
commit suicide (let my inner child be beat upon, just give in)
Walk amongst you all
helping to save you souls
before damnation
cause this conflict within is worse than hell
and yeah I know what that is!


freeflowpoet

Amends

I look into the eyes of my past

and all I see is wrath

One by one the tears roll

fresh

down my cheeks

I was not a babe in mother's arms

when my purity left, walked out

died...

ashes blowing in the winds

I was just a lonely child

afraid

and hate and harm surrounded

stripping the young flesh

from my bones

Then when I awoke I was

no color, no sex

just another lost soul

falling through crack

after crack

Oh God how can I undo all I've done?

Who will undo all that was done to me?

I used to say my wrath was justified

but who was I

to pass on all my blind lessons

to those I filled with hate

veiled to look like love

sold as loyalty

I didn't even believe in

Oh God in this reflection

I see all the evil

reaching out from within me

I can only tell those I touched

I'm sorry...

I made 101 mistakes,

had I not I would never of

learnt the lessons I know

of now

forgive me for not seeing

the corruption doing full circles

Believe me when I say

I love you sweetness

trust me when I say

don't follow the footsteps I leave

(not those I've left)

I see the pain

looking out my own eyes

Sweetness - I do understand

your silence

Open your mouth and speak your anger...

I know I deserve it...child

freeflowpoet

Stripper

My fingers linger upon your skin

shiny like a polished apple

so tempted to take just a taste

testing the air between us

You move like swirling mist around me

dancing, captivating me in those hypnotic eyes

Like a slave I follow your movements, drum beats in my ears

while my eyes drum over and around the image of art gyrating in front of me

I'm the brush and you're the canvas I express myself upon

and in one move you tip your hat, roll it down your arms

you're naked before me, I'm wishing my hands were cupping the hidden package

Ooh such lust...

I am human

after all

*sly smirk*

freeflowpoet

(Even my lover was) Raped

I close my eyes, remember the taste of your skin

as I laid kisses across your chest, up the side of your neck

I recall how you would smile seductively, when I gave a tiny playful pull

to your nipple ring

I recall all the nights, your words would make my heart flutter

there was no stuttering when I spoke loving talk...

It was such a long fall, slow motion it plays in my head

Oh how I wish I could pull you back, hold you in another embrace

just one more minute, one more time

I close my eyes, remember the very first tear

you caused to fall from the very depths of my heart

I hear it crack, over and over again

I reach out, try to tell you one more time "I'm sorry"

but nothing comes out, cause your fingers touch my lips

I want to stop both our tears from falling, I want to stop you from walking out

on us...

you're just a fading memory, a lesson of love from a gentleman

A part time soul mate, tendered only for loan

Oh how I miss you in my life, oh how I wish to bring you out of my mind

hold you once again

but, for some reason we weren't meant to be

I had to let you leave

and still those tears feel so fresh, still so real

You were another loss, another stolen piece of my happiness

ripped away by monsters, thieves of innocence

their hands once all over my body, now all over my senses

I still hear you whispering my name

I still feel your body hugging mine, you protecting my corpse...

once more they ripped my ability to trust in love

away

I let the picture fade, one last salty kiss for you

Goodbye

freeflowpoet

Stress, a cause for everything

Nights come without knowledge of sleep

leaving me with a temper ready to explode anytime

they say, all the doctors and wannabes that it's stress

I say it's memories of a past, like ghosts in my face

Tears fall, I'd rather be in silence to cry

I feel like breaking down right here, right now

not caring about the label of a whinging child

when you cry real tears, which come with my emotions

Please don't tell me I need not feel shame or guilt

because deep down I do, inside I feel stripped

ripped off of a child's world, cheated

Afraid to repeat, afraid of these visions that come

dealing by hiding doesn't work with time anymore

Tears fall when I'm reminded, it happens, the reminders

the feelings of helplessness, a lonely betrayal

no one but I sees the hauntings of my heart and head

The soul letting go, I didn't know how good it feels

to release the trapped tears I just hold back

I just can't feel comfortable with eyes that see them

falling

Feelings of a black hole sucking me in, void and scared

of a past I can't erase, encase me

My tears remove my barriers and I feel defenseless,

naked with my shields removed

feeling like that child/youth

I sense for some reason is to blame,

you keep telling me I'm not but the feelings still remain.

Anger mixed with a passion to allow myself the right

not to be afraid of darkness or closeness,

a door that shuts me off, out of your world -

taking me to a self made space of aloneness

no one reaching this place, to hear me in silence...

Why does it have to be that people pull you back

I want to lay these images, experiences,

this painful memory to rest

I want to hide myself cause the undead keep

coming home within

The pit of hell, the abyss I felt trapped in growing up

may have changed over the years

though the walls still feel unclimbable, inescapable

even though I know I'll find a way as I did yesterday

A battle with the devil in my face, as he was in the past

but it's some kind of test I guess, cause I've got no weapons

except strength, courage and will to look him straight in the eyes

Without the weapons of distortion I found to numb

the actions of all who harmed me

Guilt in a sense that I was there, I should've been within the place, safe

Then I wake to realize I knew of no such place,

even when alone

(and now my tears fall)

freeflowpoet 1999

Short Temper

Strip away my name

take away my clothes and skin,

the dirty feeling won't ever wash away

and I feel stupid crying over things

I can't change

The little girl is starting to get louder now,

in my face

telling me

she feels a disgrace

Everything I build up to protect myself and her

has gone or is going

and my open rage burns me inside

I don't want none of this no more...

I just want to feel whatever normal is

(whatever normal is)

freeflowpoet 1999