RAINCLOUDS...

RAINCLOUDS...

Doubt clouds my mind

so much time blacked out

trauma and a hard knocks life

have taken their toll on my memories

This child clings to images of happiness and smiles

cause there's more than a fair share of pain,

more blackouts and 'lost' time

in her mind

How much more is there to recollect?

How many more memories can i take flashing back,

of betrayal, neglect and abuse?

How many more corrupt people

have played apart

in shattering the purity and innocence

that should be a given to every child?

I only want sunshine to break through my darkness

of every waking dream and memory,

sadness to be replaced with smiles and peace,

But so far I've only got these

rainclouds and storms

haunting me.

Suffocating.....

Suffocating.....

I cannot breathe

You are like a hand over my nose and mouth,

Suffocating me

You're like clingwrap wrapped around me,

I cannot move

Every word you speak to me

Just pushes me away even more

but you're to blind to see this

I'm drowning amongst three little words, repeated

over and over

I'm afraid to hear them, but you're now screaming them at me

Why must you tell me everytime we talk?

Why must you punish me?

Shh, say no more please

I beg thee

You say "I love you" ,

that makes me want to run and hide

for you say it too many times

and you scare me

Don't you understand what I'm saying here?

You're suffocating me.

All I have to say

All I have to say

You stole not only moments but years

from this child

Like a kid in a candy store

your eyes feasted for awhile

before like the thief that you are,

You pocketed my innocence

and strolled away without a care and sound.

You masquerade as a friend

when all you were was a fiend

laying in waiting for your next taste of sugar,

A child or a naive teenager

innocence and purity all you craved,

it's nothing but a game to you

and you've not learnt a thing

for every time you've been caught,

be it by the law or otherwise

You're nothing but a low life

a predator preening the next catch

of your eye

But rest assured you son of a bitch

justice may have over looked me

in my life

Yet I'll make sure it's a watched step you walk

all your living days

And mark my words

it'll be hell where you spend those days after

your very death.

In The Flesh

In The Flesh

With simple words I sooth the air between us

I pour us a drink to relax the senses

with gentle touch I sooth the tension of your woes

Whispering words left lingering on the airways of your ears

my tounge snakes the outer rim of your lips

I watch you quiver, locked in my gaze

something about my eyes holds your attention, locked in a beauty

you have no idea

something there for you to find, locked in never falling tears

you have no clue to who I am

but you crave me to tend to your searing desire, burning within you

I'm your slave for the passing hour, time is ticking by

I undress the layers of skin, two meld into one

we are nothing but the sex of animalistic lust

a falling hundred dollar bill, i'm worthy of your touch

for now...

You lay down on the covers, I straddle you

I profess to love you, it's what you need to hear

for like me, it's missing from your life

three little words, just words we never hear

Soon I'm walking out the door, adjusting my clothes

another notch in my belt, another deal sealed

I'm not coming down for days...

In the flesh goes the needle,

In this state I'll dance any dance you dare

In the flesh I'm your godess

as long as the price is right and you don't try to rip me off

In the flesh I'm your sex toy to use

for I care not anymore

I'm just another lost soul

and you're just my meal ticket

for the next hour of this night...

In the flesh I'm all seductress

while inside I'm coursing through flatlines

it is death that you see in my eyes, Innocence died

and you only wish to revive me

but I'm nothing, a chemical hooker in this seedy town

Your money is my means to survive

my body is a service I provide

and the cycle starts again

In the flesh...

I am meaningless sex

and a bandaid fix, shawolled by collasping veins.

Dark Places and Apologies

Dark Places and Apologies

Sinking in my own falling tears

looking in the mirror with the smashed glass, reflecting

broken man

lost within my own mistake, which nearly cost me my life

Once so confident

not so tall right now.

I apologize over and over, til my lungs feel like they're gonna burst

how many have I hurt? Words mean nothing, it's in your tone...

I know I'm draining your energy, love can only stretch so far

I know your life is on hold right now

inside I wish you'd just walk away, give up on me

Why, why do you love me so?

Can't walk on these smashed legs of mine, unaided

my nerves jerk and jump, make me twitch

yeah I'm entertaining the depression swimming within

one, two, three...going under, no more air

So many questions, too many struggles now

I'm 32 and yet my soul has out lived those years twice or more over

What am I meant to learn from this challenge Lord?

I'm tired of fighting these battles, walking in the darkness (alone)

I hear everyone saying, including myself

"You came through this alive, there is purpose in this life"

tell me what the fuck it is cause I'm sick of pretending I care anymore...

fed up beating myself up inside, I'm here praying tonight

for an easy answer, a quick fix that won't cause more heartache or shame

I'm sorry I lost control, sorry I let you all down...

what more can I say?

Love

Love

Taking me back, I know I shouldn't linger here anymore

but it feels so good (even as the tears fall)

 it was my last embrace of you

I remember your strong arms, naked skin touching mine

your sweet cologne

What was so wrong about last night?

I'm so sorry I couldn't stay with you,

where ever you are

I hope I haven't scarred you, hope you've moved on

while hoping you've held on to a memory of me, of what we had

what we shared, what you showed me...

Love exists within my betrayed heart

my virgin soul, innocence stripped 

you my savior

taught me not just kisses and sex

substances and dollar bills

submission and control

you my savior

taught me trust and passion

feelings and emotion held within eyes and arms

you taught me how to be myself while with another

you taught me

love

Poised

Poised...

Poison pen poised above my heart

fear in the eyes of a child

dread in the eyes of a 'man'

Promises mean nothing coming from your mouth

Inked dark dreams now the doorway of hell

hath been opened

spawned lies forth your breath

I'm trapped in the grasp of yesterday

choke hold around my neck

with wire veins pulsating panic

I drop to my knees and search for the words of prayer

save me

Justice taunts me

your vile hand holds the key

Slap me

your vile hand marks me

Scratch the history in blood soaked ink

I bleed truth

you bleed nothing, silence

again you mute me

again you laugh at me

again you mock me

again you lie to me

And still I love thee

Poised, I wait for you to right me.