It’s not black and white

You are my Yin to my Yang,

my anger to my love,

my lava to my rain

my crumbling clay to my crisp fresh air

You’re the keeper of my demons, you’re my trumpet call of my archangels 

You’re my black wolf, you’re my white wolf

and my conscience is my area of gray

I hold an overflowing glass of anger

while a shattered glass of rage wets the table that sits to the side of me

and I grip tight a glass of calmness…

looking forward to drinking from the cup of peace

So many mistakes, so much pain…you are my past

So many smiles, so much love…you are now my past as well, but still my future too 

You’re my demise, the voice that condemns and lies

You’re my encouragement, the voice that builds me up and challenges all my doubts

I am complex, as humans are

one is a relationship laced with regret and harshness but growth, the other a relationship of amends and loving guidance…both lead me down different paths, that crisscross 

until I find the point I must step off

I don’t have to choose a side

for both teach different lessons, ahh the penny drops 

One is the hell I sometimes revisit through flashbacks and triggered memories 

The other like heaven filled with wisdom and forgiveness 

both reinforce my choices for today,

both bring tears to my eyes,

both influence who I am and why

both litter my heart with pain, two different similars

two different goodbyes, 

two different types of tears…

but it’s all enmeshed grief, two different goodbyes 

freeflowpoet

I Cannot Change my Past (Know Thyself)

I wouldn’t waste my time to go back and tell a younger me “don’t do this or don’t do that”

I know I wouldn’t listen, I was stubborn like that!

I know it wouldn’t change anything I survived

cause I didn’t trust myself, so why would I trust someone saying they were a future me...I’d probably write the meeting off as a bad trip or someone I’d have to guard myself against.

It’s a sad reflection, knowing I’d flip myself off and disregard all I know now, cause I didn’t feel worthy or really cared, back then

life was a slow suicide loop, stuck!

And yet death felt too good for the filth I thought I was...

How can a child think so lowly of themselves?

I’m glad I came out the other side, alive and renewed with a thirst to thrive

I (really) don’t care what others have to say about me

nor do I care what people think

when I write about learning all over, how to love my inner girl...so I can learn to love who I want to be as this adult, who’s just trying to figure out who she is...get to know thyself

and maybe then I’ll let you

in

freeflowpoet 

I miss you

My heart is drowning in a sea of swallowed tears,

I know my goodbye for now was always meant to come first

but it came way to soon (and it’s like I’m right back there, now)

Everything has changed, nothing feels the same

I keep thinking things will make you laugh or that would be an interesting conversation to have with you and I absentmindedly reach for the phone...

Stupid location services, it’s then I’m reminded you’re not gonna pick up or reply

Dad, I miss you and December is no longer a happier month...you’re birthday, you’re passing memorial, another Christmas you’ll not be seated at the family table and another New year...without you

I miss you 

freeflowpoet

No canary but flying free

It’s really nice when you finally accept
only what’s yours to own
I once believed I’d die from the secrets I was asked to carry, the ones I had forced upon me
It’s really nice when you finally know
peace between your ears
and know people who actually love you and see your worth
instead of what you’re worth to them...
I love this feeling of holding my head high,
this feeling of happiness in my heart,
this feeling of having freedom of choice...
who comes first

freeflowpoet

Emotions & Gratitude

Tattoo needle reverberating over my exposed brain, more life lessons ingrained
Your words and feigned concern don't validate my experiences, they crash onto my ears "your emotions make me uncomfortable, therefore you don't have permission to express anymore"
But, I'm not afraid to be vulnerable or speak of a little sadness or grief
I see the bigger picture, the stories and memories, that I treasure as they form apart of who I am today...
A survivor, a daughter, a friend, a sister.
I am who I am, whether I shed tears or wear a smile...or a fricken crown (drama queen)!
No one keeps this woman down,
my blood flows with resilience & stubbornness (thanks mum, thanks dad!!!)
Life felt like it'd kill me many times, but each time I'd get back up and fight again, and again ...and again,
well here I stand and my how I've grown & thrived, thanks mum & thanks dad


freeflowpoet

Processing

Heavy is my heart, like shackles around my feet... I'm stumbling through intense emotions
It's during these quiet times, I feel everything the most
Where doubt creeps in and I wonder if God is sick of my conversations
grief is the terrential storm, anger and hurt earthquakes shaking my core
These shoulders are broad and resilience a badge of fu*king honour, I don't want right now... I'm tired, I want to come up for a breath of air
instead of feeling weighted down by the going ons of life right now
I'm just so fu*king tired, my grief is leaking from my eyes (not feeling strong tonight)...
processing intense emotions
holding onto my faith, but human am I (yeah, I am but a 'man')
and processing isn’t pretty but it’s apart of actually living



freeflowpoet

Wrestling with grief

I’m lying awake and my eyes are leaking,
pain in my chest cavity
not sure if this is indigestion or my heart breaking...I miss you
It was the ‘Rumble’ on today and it’s not the same...I miss sharing those little things
like joking about the zimmer frames around the ring, cause another senior citizen has escaped the nursing home and is making a...one more last match comeback!
Or sharing a laugh over the days of our lives storylines, over the top pushes and silver spoon victories...i still have ‘mania’ on my bucket list for you dad
I miss our trips to Springy for chilli pork rolls and duck
I miss you counting the pelicans every time we drive over that bridge, the way you smile and get a sparkle in your eyes
I keep picturing you in your chair...I wish you were still there
this is grief, crying, laughing and reminiscing...
right now I’m feeling it, right now it’s hard
but I sense your presence, in my heart, on my mind

freeflowpoet