A Plea

Bloody hell you drive me crazy baby

just what is it that you love about active addiction?

No! We both know you'll never just have one taste, one drink

then stop until next week...

hasn't the past told you enough, that it fucking hurts - banging your head time n time

again?

Ask all those who profess to have your back, to look you in the eyes clean

and tell you where they'll be when the money runs out...

will they visit you inside when the police catch up

(what you think they care that you didn't snitch, it just means you've told 'em what power they hold over you)

even better yet babe

will they be there holding your hand when the tests come back positive

and you're just another drug fucked junkie dying of HIV or AIDS?

Maybe I can't force you to change with harsh reality...

I mean who cares that you've just shot draino into your veins

and you're stomach has been pumped more times than you can remember kissing your

partner goodbye at the door, again

I thought you said the drugs would never touch the ones you love

and yet you stole more than trust from your own mother

and when you're baby child cries for love

you're too stoned to even care

and the holes just happened to put themselves in the walls...didn't they?

And I'll tell you how many of those followers who hang around with you

(only when you're loaded with money, gear or alcohol)

will be pallbearers at your funereal...

Do you really feel like recovery ain't worth it

or you ain't?

Read this please, even once

right before you pick up the phone

please don't make THAT call

or before you head off downtown, next door - whatever, man

let the misery end...

with you alive

my friend

freeflowpoet

Out Here

For roughly nine months before I came into this world

I heard the softest voice around me

telling me all about this thing called love

and I believed everything I heard

Like an addict to a drug

I craved it

and believe me...

It's everything and more - in all it's forms

I may have once fought those who raised me, I may even today

raise my voice

I may have pushed away anyone who professed to care about me, yeah I may still act hard today

I may have been to bed with many men, just trying to reign in some kind of control

over those who tried to tasted the lust they saw in this body...

sorry I sinned Lord, will you forgive me - even if I won't forgive myself?

I may have tasted love from the one I felt was my prince

his voice calmed every fear and he melted more than the ice around my heart

whenever I laid in his arms

I crave that love, but I now understand its value

I understand why it's held in such high regard

and, oh God thank you

for my family and my friends

Oh and thank you for letting me experience the fruit of Eden

though like the addict I am...

I will search til my last breath passes my lips

for another taste of that fruit

I still know my Mother always spoke the truth

there's every kind of love and respect

out here

freeflowpoet

I am not who you see

Step aside when I walk across your path

stand rigid against a wall, across a room from me

eye balling me cause of

who you perceive me to be

Obviously you've never seen the truth beyond skin

Step up to the plate and look into my eyes

explore the soul swimming here within

Sit with my uncomfortableness, walk with me while I lead you past my gates

Yeah you'll see the hell fires rise up to scare you away

but ignore the devil sneering at us, at your intrusion

cause buried behind the defenses

is the purity of an untouched child

an angel whose wings are brighter than the sun, lighter than a mothers' arms

here your preconceptions will melt away...

This is my true self,

nothing but Gods' will

innocence

freeflowpoet

The hidden truths

I stand reading another eulogy, burying another lost soul
(a friend in the lonely world we existed within)
You embraced the artistry of self expression
adorned every inch of your flesh with conversations and ideals of your soul
pierced yourself as many times as you felt pierced by society
You tried to keep everyone far enough away so not to get to know you
but in my eyes you saw something welcoming and inviting,
an understanding look
and so we let each other in...against the voice screaming "back off"
in my head
You were the only one who could see deep inside me
and understand the meanings between each written word
of the littered scrunched up poems left behind by my hand
and the tears that were never allowed to fall
I cradled you as your essence left this world
watching the irises in your eyes grow smaller as the heroin consumed every inch of you
I tried not to let you go but the only thing I keep thinking of was
my own survival
I'm not sorry though cause we were only fooling ourselves,
we both knew the drugs just didn't work anymore
and that we were so broken and void
(it was only a matter of time my friend, it was either you or me)
so I looked away as you took that last shallow breath
and I've never looked back, recovery is my addiction now
and yeah I remember you every time I'm overwhelmed or feeling alone
I hear your soft voice reassuring me it's OK to embrace your ghost
to cross over the bridge of reality and make believe
...
to stick one more gram up my arm
to hold your gaze one more time
(but holding you once more is never enough, I know that)
So I had to smash the mirror between us
had to smash the lies we hid behind and come home
become clean
Goodbye addiction, you were a great teacher of lies
I lay you to rest
with this last shovel of dirt I bury us
and admit I am powerless over you
but that a higher power gives me choice
"one day at a time"


freeflowpoet

Care what I have to say?

You stop by, a casual reader of my ramblings and inner going ons
Do you ever wonder who I am or who is this soul
pouring out the chaos and noise inside their head
(and the heart, yes you hear from my soul as well)
I've been on a self imposed silent retreat
well OK, maybe 'retreat' is too nice a word
for the critical prison I locked myself away within
day after day, night after night, week after week
I sat listening to the critical violence pounding down
on the fragile child I barely keep alive within
why are we humans, so damn cruel to ourselves
(let alone the stranger trying to make a living for themselves, next to us?)
I've cried two years of raw emotion, frustration, pain and grief
all in a short space of time...
alone
I'm not a hero or anyone special
I just do what I have to do to live life to the best of my ability
I have a choice, we all do
yeah it's hard to accept and hear something we don't want too
but the other choice is no choice at all - for me
Today may have been a hard day
but when the noise dies down and it's all quiet within
I just gotta ask myself
"how much of my issues are the lies my own head spins"?
I've been told growing up that I'll never amount to shit
that's someones' shit and sorry but I don't buy it,
who gave you the right to judge me?
I will live my life to the best of my ability
even when my humanness is expressed in tears
and unfounded fears


freeflowpoet

Inside Tears

Everyone tells me how strong I am
just cause I keep on climbing to my feet each time I'm knocked down
I can't help it, I hate defeat and feeling helpless
I hate seeing others breaking or broken
I'm told I have an empathic, caring and compassionate soul
that I have a gift and talent...
to me, seeing what's left unheard within
it's nothing but a curse
I'm beating myself up cause I can't fix so much
(and it's so, so, so close to home)
I'm feeling that uselessness when you can't make things better
yet you're carrying so much of your own stuff
5 months short of two years worth of fresh tears
now there's more running down my cheeks
unseen to anyone, felt only by me
(I'm drowning within)

freeflowpoet

Just to be shared

I don't wanna be alone anymore
I'm over comparing anyone who tries to love me,
to the one who I shouldn't of let walk away
I want someone to share my journey with,
someone who gets the emotions that life brings (it's not all heartache and pain)
I want to hold the heart of another...
in my gaze, not my hand!
I wanna feel the heat of lips brushing, skin touching skin
(one long lingering kiss)
My masks aren't painted on
not foundation, lipstick and mascara
they're made of experiences and knowledge picked up by living life
and the one who brings me to my knees will know
how to reach beyond my granite walls,
will know you can't fake the intensity of love, the realness of finding another
who really gets all that makes you (and loves you all the more for that truth)
And they know sex means nothing
when there's nothing there
They won't run each time there's another "lets wait, let's not tonight"
cause they understand just holding speaks more
They know there's an innocent purity that's so much sweeter,
so much more addictive than lust...
just waiting to be unearthed,
just to be shared
with only them