My Demons’ Keeper

The darkness where my betrayals & hurt stir,

are where my demons plot & scheme,

trying to torment and manipulate me into letting them come back out and puppet me

But, I am their keeper 

I have learnt to acknowledge why they came to be, I have learnt how to sit in these feelings that make their cell & just observe…

occasionally, though they get loose in my head,

converse through scenarios & flashbacks,

memories and screaming the words & actions that mutated my innocence into wrath…

I didn’t have loving eyes always watching over me,

my existence was hyper vigilance 

cause the walls surrounding me felt like they were made of prying, perving eyes, hands…body parts (this night & day, not just occasionally)

“Sleep with one eye open”…

“Hello darkness, my old friend”

In the light, I felt invisible, discarded, unlovable & unloved

In the darkness, I felt the meat hooks tear my flesh & the snakes sliver, intentions turn into…

the stuff of nightmares 

“No one hears you scream”…or your cries, turned them on, while others turned a blind eye & collected bargaining chips (for personal gains)…

I believe me, I know others have heard since, too 

Don’t pity me, I don’t write about this stuff cause I hurt anymore…

I write to give those demons within voice…

& throw back their torturous wrath,

now turned into freedom & beautiful thriving…

a life built around love, respect, empathy and compassion for myself & others

once lost or feeling lost in a living hell.

The darkness is not a void that killed me,

my demons are not scary monsters that floor me (anymore), they are reminders of why I sometimes hurt, why tears sometimes fall, 

while sometimes, I dissociate or pull away…

why I am a sensitive person with a heart…

real life humans dressed as devils drove me to the verge of self destruction & a wrathful hate,

gone now that armour shell (with spikes),

residual energy and memories, the past acknowledged, but not the life I forge & am present in,

today…I live, I thrive (and credit to the beautiful souls that showed me how to see my worth & believe it, thank you)

freeflowpoet

Open eyes

 OPEN EYES

Evolution…a organism to the woman standing before you

I hear the praise and love given

but, some days the memories, emotions and thoughts stir

and everything I’ve thrived through despite, bites a little 

like a scar memory 

I feel undeserving, a phoney, like I don’t belong…

It doesn’t last very long these days, cause I’m ok in my skin, just human!

the old scripts & reels may playback now & then

but, that’s all it is a memory from the past, 

I may have once felt buried deep in a dark hole,

but once I stopped fighting myself and accepted the signs telling me I was digging myself deeper

I let hope mix in with the fears, I found hope in despair & started turning around

I allowed people in, let them help wipe the dirt from my eyes & took their hands, up out of the darkness of the deepest depths of hell

I felt the light, before I saw it

I didn’t always believe I’d see it, but I stuck with the idea of living in it…til I bathed in it

I had to examine my perceptions of things, unravel the meanings & truths about them & people and choose I was worthy of so much more

Was change easy? Hell no, but worth it, yes!

I no longer accept the unacceptable,

I will no longer allow anyone to heap dirt upon me or push me back down,

I have learnt that like night, daylight follows,

through the darkest days, there’s always light bringers…I just have to learn to appreciate them and not be stubborn 

No one is alone & in that connection 

the light shines (even if just a dim flicker, hope is a light to guide out any darkness)

freeflowpoet