Cracks in the pavement

Memories wax and wane,

nothing sticks too long these days

I’m free from the chains that once bound me

I don’t need to revisit old scars

or those demons who carved into me,

I don’t need to forgive them, only myself…

I loved the feeling of belonging,

I craved it, would sell my morals just to feel the illusion of it…didn’t see it then,

but an illusion was all it ever was

freedom came the day I cut the chains

and I’m not bitter

I got the time to earn the real thing

and I now won’t accept anything less for myself

It ain’t selfish, it’s real and the truthful shit,

It was never easy, working everything out and working through what was mine and what I wasn’t to blame for (some people will still label me from either what they know of my past or what they think they know from the gossip vines)…I don’t care baby, I just don’t care

this is where I won’t survive the concrete jungle, anymore

I thrive outside of it

freeflowpoet

Aftertaste, it is bitter (maybe it’s not)

 I lost me in the space between

give and take

I feel the waves radiating over me,

atoms separating physical from 

mental form

I’ve lost myself, can’t feel identity…

or anything

Am I even a living being?

Fractured and afraid, fractured and unafraid 

This distorted place, she is me

no, she is not

time is an illusion, 

I am not the beginning, nor am I the end…

Spinning within, warmth is coldness’s best friend

numbness again, I don’t feel a thing

yet, I know everything about me…

or whoever this is

Peel it away, strip it down, dumb the senses and call it medicine 

rate it 5/10, that’s 11/10 for those who’ve never felt 

heatwaves from concrete, metal & bone imploding, wrapping 

Survival is a better outcome then death

but it still comes at a cost

At the crossroads I turned down a deal…still tongue kissed the devil

while denying him

It’s ok, I’m back again

my identity never left

I never left

freeflowpoet 

Bucking

 I try to reign in and control this stallion, called life but he's not broken in, though he's broken me a few times   and every time I get thrown off, I swear that bastard laughs.                                   I try to pull tight on the reins and dig in to his side.                                               but it's all an illusion, there's no reins in my hands...                                               So how in the fu*k, do I let go?...How does taking my hands off the wheel, give me control?... there's a secret child, you don't have it, never have and never will, it's life after all                 you're only power is in how you choose to react or respond...Letting go is more a mindset, than a mind fu*k...               as long as you can surrender the illusion that you're in control.              Just live each moment as you can, changing only what is yours to mould and mend...live life, on life's terms

freefloepoet

I’m (not) a fu*k up

I’ve been beaten and bullied

only to turn around and become that which I hated…and more.

I loved those who would go on to sell more than my soul

I danced and rumbled with the devil and

tried to escape in a cascade of substances 

I tried to initiate my suicide and homicide many times…

Listen child, you survived

you climbed out that meteorite crater deep in the chasms of hell…

Wrapped in the wings of an angel from God above, you arose like the phoenix,

in stages you reassessed the carnage 

and wandered through the chaos,

rebuilding, as you took in the reality,

striped off the labels (well tried to),

all while trying to change attitude and behaviours, hearing truth…that sometimes brought out more guilt, shame

You overcame child, saw something different and went in for the golden armour of faith and resilience 

Look, I’m fuc*king human,

I will make mistakes and sometimes the ones from my past will rise up…to bite me in the as*

I own only what is mine

and sometimes I’m a little slow to see the lessons - literally slapping me in the face,

but child, believe me when the pain is deep enough and I remember what’s at stake…I’ma going dig in and change

“my thinking, my actions…my responsibilities”

We all fu*k up in life,

but we also can gain awareness,

which become a weapon of choice (changes)

freeflowpoet 

Gone

I don’t actually know what you think of me

if you think I’m perfect, or got all my shit together, in a neat zip locked bag…

You don’t see me curled up in a fetal position

after having my life dragged up, and being re-traumatised…it’s got nothing to do with the actual assessment I was meant to be doing…

You don’t see me trying to calm an inner child

she’s black and blue and limp, I can’t feel calmness

I can’t console her, she is me & while I’m numb and dissociated from myself…

I can’t feel anything but panic, internal

Like I’m sitting beside myself, cradling myself but it’s just an illusion…she was forgiven long ago, I forgave me (or so I thought)

and every time I close my eyes 

I see everything all over again

I feel the darkness consuming me

the tv is on the fritz again and the images are black and white static, it’s as if I’m slipping in and out of consciousness…as if I was reliving it all…

It’s frightening having awareness that you’re outside yourself, split and fractured…

feeling at odds within myself but knowing this is temporary and I’m ok, just overwhelmed…

I identify shame, shame that I thought I was beyond this

Shame, I couldn’t get all the words out…

Shame, I let me down again (I feel like I’m a failure, like I can fix others, but not me…& yet I’m not broken, I know this)

I know this

freeflowpoet

*Strong trigger content* The match flashes suddenly…

Serenity broken, just like that

A match lit, quick as that

the switch got flicked and the demons swarmed…

I hear the teeth gash at my femininity,

no violation, hasn’t been in years now

but one moment, one trigger…

and my body remembers,

while the mind just spits up every fucking image

There’s no tears right now, cause this will pass again,

cause I know it’s not real…not anymore,

it’s just a bit unpleasant and sickening in this moment

and every nerve within me screams and tingles, as I’m stuck in squirm mode, 

silently denying consent, echos on my eardrums…I was the only one to hear it yesterday year…and again here

But it’s alright, I’m alright 

stronger, I’m stronger

I know this is just a finger running over scars

and nothing more

a distant triggered memory…

I survived, I’ve got that…and more than

all of you will ever know

the demons will get bored and fade back into the darkness

as the match dies out

faith blankets my inner child, I self sooth (no longer just whip “that bitch”…cause she’s innocent (yeah, she is me & I was/am innocent too)

God that feels good to hear me say

cause it’s settling within

cause I know it’s representing truth

this is just a body memory, what happens when the triggers pop (surprise, oh yeah thanks, a fuckin’ surprise)

freeflowpoet

You’re not alright/You’re not alone

Wishing healing from trauma was as simple

as an eraser to the mind

or taking out a set of eyes and wiping the shit clean

before resetting them back into the sockets

but it’s not…

If I could make you un-see all the shit that occurred 

trust me I’d happily take it from you, so you’d no longer hurt or feel that heavy sadness 

that looks so familiar as my experience, but its not

It’s yours 

but your sadness, is an emotion I understand 

here take my hand and let me use this empathy…

You’re not alone, I’m here just sitting beside you 

You don’t have to say anything, or you can curse at the hand you’ve been dealt

or cry all your fears out

and I promise not to insult you by wiping them away before you’re done

This is something once given to me,

and this is the premise of paying it forward…

may you also find a little bit of peace,

It’s sometimes hard to admit life can weigh us down

It’s ok to be not ok

but if it’s like that, all I ask is share it

It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright (cause you’re not alone)

You’re not alone

freeflowpoet