Suey Side

 *Trigger warning - sensitive content 

Suey Side

Hate, wrath, defeat, betrayal at every turn

given up on every moral you were brought up believing, cause every single one had been chewed up and spat back in your face…

sold loyalty, only for it to be your soul you undersold…stolen, ripped off

It’s a lonely place to be when you’re dead inside 

when you’re alone in a crowded room,

when you’re alone imprisoned inside your own broken mind,

stabbed in the back, heart torn out by predators and ghouls in guises of ‘friends’ and it violently crushed, love denied…made into a lie, make believe 

Crushing weight when oncoming traffic 

looks like an invitation 

taunting, begging for someone, anyone

to be the matador ramming into or over you…

not a care in the world anymore,

they’re just faceless people with nothing but the purpose of ending you…

no empathy, no light (except headlights), no hope

lost to G-d, cause hell scorched out your eyes, burnt your soul & you had faith disconnected and ridiculed…until you believed you weren’t worthy of being saved, worthy of redemption,

that you were used goods, turned out and drenched in sin - that G-d would be ashamed of you to

Stacked milk creates, unstable like your fragile sense of self

freedom from this darkness 

wrapped around your neck,

hoping for comfort in tightening swings…

This wasn’t my end

I didn’t fail taking my own life

I wasn’t disconnected from G-d, 

‘he’ was pushing resources and people across my path, yelling through signs I was begging for, but blind to see…until I did

See, I had the keys the whole time

I was locked in this cage, it felt like I was…

meat on a hook, in a seedy cess pit 

where every wall had eyes on my innocence 

stripped and humiliated 

I never saw G-d as the warden fighting for me the entire time 

Until I gave up the fight and surrendered my will into ‘him’

Life breathed into me, a new direction 

I found purpose, found strength and resilience from lessons from shepherds wandering the crossroads…searching for 

G-d’s lost children 

I found my way back home

I found hope 

left behind my demons, tamed the monsters in my head

made (and make ongoing) amends (for my wrongs)

and make my experiences available

as a light for others sitting in similar cells…

no matter how betrayed or alone you feel

life is precious and so are you

(to whoever needs to hear this - you are enough, you are seen and there can be space for love in what you think is an empty black heart shaped hole…stand up and free yourself)

freeflowpoet

Owe You Nothing

No, I’m not gonna scream my story or

show my battle scars for every MF to hear

but, I promised my younger self

that I’d never silence victimisation, again

Don’t tell me a victim owns any part of any abuse,

don’t say “why didn’t you tell someone”, 

until you experience betrayal trauma, over and over…

from authority and those who were meant to protect, not harm

Don’t ask “why wouldn’t they just leave, why would someone stay”…until you experience losing all your choice and autonomy

until you experience crippling fear of losing a sense of psychological safety or loss deeper than material stuff,

ignorant MF!

Even the majority of legal systems 

lay the blame solely on the perpetrators (the gaps are not the argument of this piece - stop trying to change the script)

I can speak about the damage of secrecy

It’s not love or friendship child, it’s not your secret to cherish or fu*kin’ carry…scream it until someone hears you - don’t stuff it down , there will always be someone who knows right from wrong…and a drug won’t fix something that’s not broken, it won’t numb the horrors endured (Tupac was right when he sang “they win when your soul dies”).

I can speak about manipulation and grooming,

I also know how lonely being indoctrinated into false belonging, how intoxicating just a red flag soaked in loyalty dressed as whispered love, feels

I can speak of becoming so messy, lost to addiction 

I can speak of losing everything, including myself…and a connection to faith…

I can also speak about not just surviving, 

but thriving,

finding beauty amongst the concrete jungle,

stopped sitting amongst snakes and running with hyenas

experiencing healing, inside out

and living a life beyond what I ever thought this child was destined for or deserved…

I walked away from toxicity with prayers (not hate)

and chased a full heart, serenity & purpose…

Don’t expect silence from me!

freeflowpoet

My Demons’ Keeper

The darkness where my betrayals & hurt stir,

are where my demons plot & scheme,

trying to torment and manipulate me into letting them come back out and puppet me

But, I am their keeper 

I have learnt to acknowledge why they came to be, I have learnt how to sit in these feelings that make their cell & just observe…

occasionally, though they get loose in my head,

converse through scenarios & flashbacks,

memories and screaming the words & actions that mutated my innocence into wrath…

I didn’t have loving eyes always watching over me,

my existence was hyper vigilance 

cause the walls surrounding me felt like they were made of prying, perving eyes, hands…body parts (this night & day, not just occasionally)

“Sleep with one eye open”…

“Hello darkness, my old friend”

In the light, I felt invisible, discarded, unlovable & unloved

In the darkness, I felt the meat hooks tear my flesh & the snakes sliver, intentions turn into…

the stuff of nightmares 

“No one hears you scream”…or your cries, turned them on, while others turned a blind eye & collected bargaining chips (for personal gains)…

I believe me, I know others have heard since, too 

Don’t pity me, I don’t write about this stuff cause I hurt anymore…

I write to give those demons within voice…

& throw back their torturous wrath,

now turned into freedom & beautiful thriving…

a life built around love, respect, empathy and compassion for myself & others

once lost or feeling lost in a living hell.

The darkness is not a void that killed me,

my demons are not scary monsters that floor me (anymore), they are reminders of why I sometimes hurt, why tears sometimes fall, 

while sometimes, I dissociate or pull away…

why I am a sensitive person with a heart…

real life humans dressed as devils drove me to the verge of self destruction & a wrathful hate,

gone now that armour shell (with spikes),

residual energy and memories, the past acknowledged, but not the life I forge & am present in,

today…I live, I thrive (and credit to the beautiful souls that showed me how to see my worth & believe it, thank you)

freeflowpoet

Open eyes

 OPEN EYES

Evolution…a organism to the woman standing before you

I hear the praise and love given

but, some days the memories, emotions and thoughts stir

and everything I’ve thrived through despite, bites a little 

like a scar memory 

I feel undeserving, a phoney, like I don’t belong…

It doesn’t last very long these days, cause I’m ok in my skin, just human!

the old scripts & reels may playback now & then

but, that’s all it is a memory from the past, 

I may have once felt buried deep in a dark hole,

but once I stopped fighting myself and accepted the signs telling me I was digging myself deeper

I let hope mix in with the fears, I found hope in despair & started turning around

I allowed people in, let them help wipe the dirt from my eyes & took their hands, up out of the darkness of the deepest depths of hell

I felt the light, before I saw it

I didn’t always believe I’d see it, but I stuck with the idea of living in it…til I bathed in it

I had to examine my perceptions of things, unravel the meanings & truths about them & people and choose I was worthy of so much more

Was change easy? Hell no, but worth it, yes!

I no longer accept the unacceptable,

I will no longer allow anyone to heap dirt upon me or push me back down,

I have learnt that like night, daylight follows,

through the darkest days, there’s always light bringers…I just have to learn to appreciate them and not be stubborn 

No one is alone & in that connection 

the light shines (even if just a dim flicker, hope is a light to guide out any darkness)

freeflowpoet

Cracks in the pavement

Memories wax and wane,

nothing sticks too long these days

I’m free from the chains that once bound me

I don’t need to revisit old scars

or those demons who carved into me,

I don’t need to forgive them, only myself…

I loved the feeling of belonging,

I craved it, would sell my morals just to feel the illusion of it…didn’t see it then,

but an illusion was all it ever was

freedom came the day I cut the chains

and I’m not bitter

I got the time to earn the real thing

and I now won’t accept anything less for myself

It ain’t selfish, it’s real and the truthful shit,

It was never easy, working everything out and working through what was mine and what I wasn’t to blame for (some people will still label me from either what they know of my past or what they think they know from the gossip vines)…I don’t care baby, I just don’t care

this is where I won’t survive the concrete jungle, anymore

I thrive outside of it

freeflowpoet

Aftertaste, it is bitter (maybe it’s not)

 I lost me in the space between

give and take

I feel the waves radiating over me,

atoms separating physical from 

mental form

I’ve lost myself, can’t feel identity…

or anything

Am I even a living being?

Fractured and afraid, fractured and unafraid 

This distorted place, she is me

no, she is not

time is an illusion, 

I am not the beginning, nor am I the end…

Spinning within, warmth is coldness’s best friend

numbness again, I don’t feel a thing

yet, I know everything about me…

or whoever this is

Peel it away, strip it down, dumb the senses and call it medicine 

rate it 5/10, that’s 11/10 for those who’ve never felt 

heatwaves from concrete, metal & bone imploding, wrapping 

Survival is a better outcome then death

but it still comes at a cost

At the crossroads I turned down a deal…still tongue kissed the devil

while denying him

It’s ok, I’m back again

my identity never left

I never left

freeflowpoet 

Bucking

 I try to reign in and control this stallion, called life but he's not broken in, though he's broken me a few times   and every time I get thrown off, I swear that bastard laughs.                                   I try to pull tight on the reins and dig in to his side.                                               but it's all an illusion, there's no reins in my hands...                                               So how in the fu*k, do I let go?...How does taking my hands off the wheel, give me control?... there's a secret child, you don't have it, never have and never will, it's life after all                 you're only power is in how you choose to react or respond...Letting go is more a mindset, than a mind fu*k...               as long as you can surrender the illusion that you're in control.              Just live each moment as you can, changing only what is yours to mould and mend...live life, on life's terms

freefloepoet