Owe You Nothing

No, I’m not gonna scream my story or

show my battle scars for every MF to hear

but, I promised my younger self

that I’d never silence victimisation, again

Don’t tell me a victim owns any part of any abuse,

don’t say “why didn’t you tell someone”, 

until you experience betrayal trauma, over and over…

from authority and those who were meant to protect, not harm

Don’t ask “why wouldn’t they just leave, why would someone stay”…until you experience losing all your choice and autonomy

until you experience crippling fear of losing a sense of psychological safety or loss deeper than material stuff,

ignorant MF!

Even the majority of legal systems 

lay the blame solely on the perpetrators (the gaps are not the argument of this piece - stop trying to change the script)

I can speak about the damage of secrecy

It’s not love or friendship child, it’s not your secret to cherish or fu*kin’ carry…scream it until someone hears you - don’t stuff it down , there will always be someone who knows right from wrong…and a drug won’t fix something that’s not broken, it won’t numb the horrors endured (Tupac was right when he sang “they win when your soul dies”).

I can speak about manipulation and grooming,

I also know how lonely being indoctrinated into false belonging, how intoxicating just a red flag soaked in loyalty dressed as whispered love, feels

I can speak of becoming so messy, lost to addiction 

I can speak of losing everything, including myself…and a connection to faith…

I can also speak about not just surviving, 

but thriving,

finding beauty amongst the concrete jungle,

stopped sitting amongst snakes and running with hyenas

experiencing healing, inside out

and living a life beyond what I ever thought this child was destined for or deserved…

I walked away from toxicity with prayers (not hate)

and chased a full heart, serenity & purpose…

Don’t expect silence from me!

freeflowpoet

My Demons’ Keeper

The darkness where my betrayals & hurt stir,

are where my demons plot & scheme,

trying to torment and manipulate me into letting them come back out and puppet me

But, I am their keeper 

I have learnt to acknowledge why they came to be, I have learnt how to sit in these feelings that make their cell & just observe…

occasionally, though they get loose in my head,

converse through scenarios & flashbacks,

memories and screaming the words & actions that mutated my innocence into wrath…

I didn’t have loving eyes always watching over me,

my existence was hyper vigilance 

cause the walls surrounding me felt like they were made of prying, perving eyes, hands…body parts (this night & day, not just occasionally)

“Sleep with one eye open”…

“Hello darkness, my old friend”

In the light, I felt invisible, discarded, unlovable & unloved

In the darkness, I felt the meat hooks tear my flesh & the snakes sliver, intentions turn into…

the stuff of nightmares 

“No one hears you scream”…or your cries, turned them on, while others turned a blind eye & collected bargaining chips (for personal gains)…

I believe me, I know others have heard since, too 

Don’t pity me, I don’t write about this stuff cause I hurt anymore…

I write to give those demons within voice…

& throw back their torturous wrath,

now turned into freedom & beautiful thriving…

a life built around love, respect, empathy and compassion for myself & others

once lost or feeling lost in a living hell.

The darkness is not a void that killed me,

my demons are not scary monsters that floor me (anymore), they are reminders of why I sometimes hurt, why tears sometimes fall, 

while sometimes, I dissociate or pull away…

why I am a sensitive person with a heart…

real life humans dressed as devils drove me to the verge of self destruction & a wrathful hate,

gone now that armour shell (with spikes),

residual energy and memories, the past acknowledged, but not the life I forge & am present in,

today…I live, I thrive (and credit to the beautiful souls that showed me how to see my worth & believe it, thank you)

freeflowpoet

Open eyes

 OPEN EYES

Evolution…a organism to the woman standing before you

I hear the praise and love given

but, some days the memories, emotions and thoughts stir

and everything I’ve thrived through despite, bites a little 

like a scar memory 

I feel undeserving, a phoney, like I don’t belong…

It doesn’t last very long these days, cause I’m ok in my skin, just human!

the old scripts & reels may playback now & then

but, that’s all it is a memory from the past, 

I may have once felt buried deep in a dark hole,

but once I stopped fighting myself and accepted the signs telling me I was digging myself deeper

I let hope mix in with the fears, I found hope in despair & started turning around

I allowed people in, let them help wipe the dirt from my eyes & took their hands, up out of the darkness of the deepest depths of hell

I felt the light, before I saw it

I didn’t always believe I’d see it, but I stuck with the idea of living in it…til I bathed in it

I had to examine my perceptions of things, unravel the meanings & truths about them & people and choose I was worthy of so much more

Was change easy? Hell no, but worth it, yes!

I no longer accept the unacceptable,

I will no longer allow anyone to heap dirt upon me or push me back down,

I have learnt that like night, daylight follows,

through the darkest days, there’s always light bringers…I just have to learn to appreciate them and not be stubborn 

No one is alone & in that connection 

the light shines (even if just a dim flicker, hope is a light to guide out any darkness)

freeflowpoet

Cracks in the pavement

Memories wax and wane,

nothing sticks too long these days

I’m free from the chains that once bound me

I don’t need to revisit old scars

or those demons who carved into me,

I don’t need to forgive them, only myself…

I loved the feeling of belonging,

I craved it, would sell my morals just to feel the illusion of it…didn’t see it then,

but an illusion was all it ever was

freedom came the day I cut the chains

and I’m not bitter

I got the time to earn the real thing

and I now won’t accept anything less for myself

It ain’t selfish, it’s real and the truthful shit,

It was never easy, working everything out and working through what was mine and what I wasn’t to blame for (some people will still label me from either what they know of my past or what they think they know from the gossip vines)…I don’t care baby, I just don’t care

this is where I won’t survive the concrete jungle, anymore

I thrive outside of it

freeflowpoet

Aftertaste, it is bitter (maybe it’s not)

 I lost me in the space between

give and take

I feel the waves radiating over me,

atoms separating physical from 

mental form

I’ve lost myself, can’t feel identity…

or anything

Am I even a living being?

Fractured and afraid, fractured and unafraid 

This distorted place, she is me

no, she is not

time is an illusion, 

I am not the beginning, nor am I the end…

Spinning within, warmth is coldness’s best friend

numbness again, I don’t feel a thing

yet, I know everything about me…

or whoever this is

Peel it away, strip it down, dumb the senses and call it medicine 

rate it 5/10, that’s 11/10 for those who’ve never felt 

heatwaves from concrete, metal & bone imploding, wrapping 

Survival is a better outcome then death

but it still comes at a cost

At the crossroads I turned down a deal…still tongue kissed the devil

while denying him

It’s ok, I’m back again

my identity never left

I never left

freeflowpoet 

Bucking

 I try to reign in and control this stallion, called life but he's not broken in, though he's broken me a few times   and every time I get thrown off, I swear that bastard laughs.                                   I try to pull tight on the reins and dig in to his side.                                               but it's all an illusion, there's no reins in my hands...                                               So how in the fu*k, do I let go?...How does taking my hands off the wheel, give me control?... there's a secret child, you don't have it, never have and never will, it's life after all                 you're only power is in how you choose to react or respond...Letting go is more a mindset, than a mind fu*k...               as long as you can surrender the illusion that you're in control.              Just live each moment as you can, changing only what is yours to mould and mend...live life, on life's terms

freefloepoet

I’m (not) a fu*k up

I’ve been beaten and bullied

only to turn around and become that which I hated…and more.

I loved those who would go on to sell more than my soul

I danced and rumbled with the devil and

tried to escape in a cascade of substances 

I tried to initiate my suicide and homicide many times…

Listen child, you survived

you climbed out that meteorite crater deep in the chasms of hell…

Wrapped in the wings of an angel from God above, you arose like the phoenix,

in stages you reassessed the carnage 

and wandered through the chaos,

rebuilding, as you took in the reality,

striped off the labels (well tried to),

all while trying to change attitude and behaviours, hearing truth…that sometimes brought out more guilt, shame

You overcame child, saw something different and went in for the golden armour of faith and resilience 

Look, I’m fuc*king human,

I will make mistakes and sometimes the ones from my past will rise up…to bite me in the as*

I own only what is mine

and sometimes I’m a little slow to see the lessons - literally slapping me in the face,

but child, believe me when the pain is deep enough and I remember what’s at stake…I’ma going dig in and change

“my thinking, my actions…my responsibilities”

We all fu*k up in life,

but we also can gain awareness,

which become a weapon of choice (changes)

freeflowpoet 

Gone

I don’t actually know what you think of me

if you think I’m perfect, or got all my shit together, in a neat zip locked bag…

You don’t see me curled up in a fetal position

after having my life dragged up, and being re-traumatised…it’s got nothing to do with the actual assessment I was meant to be doing…

You don’t see me trying to calm an inner child

she’s black and blue and limp, I can’t feel calmness

I can’t console her, she is me & while I’m numb and dissociated from myself…

I can’t feel anything but panic, internal

Like I’m sitting beside myself, cradling myself but it’s just an illusion…she was forgiven long ago, I forgave me (or so I thought)

and every time I close my eyes 

I see everything all over again

I feel the darkness consuming me

the tv is on the fritz again and the images are black and white static, it’s as if I’m slipping in and out of consciousness…as if I was reliving it all…

It’s frightening having awareness that you’re outside yourself, split and fractured…

feeling at odds within myself but knowing this is temporary and I’m ok, just overwhelmed…

I identify shame, shame that I thought I was beyond this

Shame, I couldn’t get all the words out…

Shame, I let me down again (I feel like I’m a failure, like I can fix others, but not me…& yet I’m not broken, I know this)

I know this

freeflowpoet

*Strong trigger content* The match flashes suddenly…

Serenity broken, just like that

A match lit, quick as that

the switch got flicked and the demons swarmed…

I hear the teeth gash at my femininity,

no violation, hasn’t been in years now

but one moment, one trigger…

and my body remembers,

while the mind just spits up every fucking image

There’s no tears right now, cause this will pass again,

cause I know it’s not real…not anymore,

it’s just a bit unpleasant and sickening in this moment

and every nerve within me screams and tingles, as I’m stuck in squirm mode, 

silently denying consent, echos on my eardrums…I was the only one to hear it yesterday year…and again here

But it’s alright, I’m alright 

stronger, I’m stronger

I know this is just a finger running over scars

and nothing more

a distant triggered memory…

I survived, I’ve got that…and more than

all of you will ever know

the demons will get bored and fade back into the darkness

as the match dies out

faith blankets my inner child, I self sooth (no longer just whip “that bitch”…cause she’s innocent (yeah, she is me & I was/am innocent too)

God that feels good to hear me say

cause it’s settling within

cause I know it’s representing truth

this is just a body memory, what happens when the triggers pop (surprise, oh yeah thanks, a fuckin’ surprise)

freeflowpoet

You’re not alright/You’re not alone

Wishing healing from trauma was as simple

as an eraser to the mind

or taking out a set of eyes and wiping the shit clean

before resetting them back into the sockets

but it’s not…

If I could make you un-see all the shit that occurred 

trust me I’d happily take it from you, so you’d no longer hurt or feel that heavy sadness 

that looks so familiar as my experience, but its not

It’s yours 

but your sadness, is an emotion I understand 

here take my hand and let me use this empathy…

You’re not alone, I’m here just sitting beside you 

You don’t have to say anything, or you can curse at the hand you’ve been dealt

or cry all your fears out

and I promise not to insult you by wiping them away before you’re done

This is something once given to me,

and this is the premise of paying it forward…

may you also find a little bit of peace,

It’s sometimes hard to admit life can weigh us down

It’s ok to be not ok

but if it’s like that, all I ask is share it

It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright (cause you’re not alone)

You’re not alone

freeflowpoet 

It’s not black and white

You are my Yin to my Yang,

my anger to my love,

my lava to my rain

my crumbling clay to my crisp fresh air

You’re the keeper of my demons, you’re my trumpet call of my archangels 

You’re my black wolf, you’re my white wolf

and my conscience is my area of gray

I hold an overflowing glass of anger

while a shattered glass of rage wets the table that sits to the side of me

and I grip tight a glass of calmness…

looking forward to drinking from the cup of peace

So many mistakes, so much pain…you are my past

So many smiles, so much love…you are now my past as well, but still my future too 

You’re my demise, the voice that condemns and lies

You’re my encouragement, the voice that builds me up and challenges all my doubts

I am complex, as humans are

one is a relationship laced with regret and harshness but growth, the other a relationship of amends and loving guidance…both lead me down different paths, that crisscross 

until I find the point I must step off

I don’t have to choose a side

for both teach different lessons, ahh the penny drops 

One is the hell I sometimes revisit through flashbacks and triggered memories 

The other like heaven filled with wisdom and forgiveness 

both reinforce my choices for today,

both bring tears to my eyes,

both influence who I am and why

both litter my heart with pain, two different similars

two different goodbyes, 

two different types of tears…

but it’s all enmeshed grief, two different goodbyes 

freeflowpoet

I Cannot Change my Past (Know Thyself)

I wouldn’t waste my time to go back and tell a younger me “don’t do this or don’t do that”

I know I wouldn’t listen, I was stubborn like that!

I know it wouldn’t change anything I survived

cause I didn’t trust myself, so why would I trust someone saying they were a future me...I’d probably write the meeting off as a bad trip or someone I’d have to guard myself against.

It’s a sad reflection, knowing I’d flip myself off and disregard all I know now, cause I didn’t feel worthy or really cared, back then

life was a slow suicide loop, stuck!

And yet death felt too good for the filth I thought I was...

How can a child think so lowly of themselves?

I’m glad I came out the other side, alive and renewed with a thirst to thrive

I (really) don’t care what others have to say about me

nor do I care what people think

when I write about learning all over, how to love my inner girl...so I can learn to love who I want to be as this adult, who’s just trying to figure out who she is...get to know thyself

and maybe then I’ll let you

in

freeflowpoet 

I miss you

My heart is drowning in a sea of swallowed tears,

I know my goodbye for now was always meant to come first

but it came way to soon (and it’s like I’m right back there, now)

Everything has changed, nothing feels the same

I keep thinking things will make you laugh or that would be an interesting conversation to have with you and I absentmindedly reach for the phone...

Stupid location services, it’s then I’m reminded you’re not gonna pick up or reply

Dad, I miss you and December is no longer a happier month...you’re birthday, you’re passing memorial, another Christmas you’ll not be seated at the family table and another New year...without you

I miss you 

freeflowpoet

No canary but flying free

It’s really nice when you finally accept
only what’s yours to own
I once believed I’d die from the secrets I was asked to carry, the ones I had forced upon me
It’s really nice when you finally know
peace between your ears
and know people who actually love you and see your worth
instead of what you’re worth to them...
I love this feeling of holding my head high,
this feeling of happiness in my heart,
this feeling of having freedom of choice...
who comes first

freeflowpoet

Emotions & Gratitude

Tattoo needle reverberating over my exposed brain, more life lessons ingrained
Your words and feigned concern don't validate my experiences, they crash onto my ears "your emotions make me uncomfortable, therefore you don't have permission to express anymore"
But, I'm not afraid to be vulnerable or speak of a little sadness or grief
I see the bigger picture, the stories and memories, that I treasure as they form apart of who I am today...
A survivor, a daughter, a friend, a sister.
I am who I am, whether I shed tears or wear a smile...or a fricken crown (drama queen)!
No one keeps this woman down,
my blood flows with resilience & stubbornness (thanks mum, thanks dad!!!)
Life felt like it'd kill me many times, but each time I'd get back up and fight again, and again ...and again,
well here I stand and my how I've grown & thrived, thanks mum & thanks dad


freeflowpoet

Processing

Heavy is my heart, like shackles around my feet... I'm stumbling through intense emotions
It's during these quiet times, I feel everything the most
Where doubt creeps in and I wonder if God is sick of my conversations
grief is the terrential storm, anger and hurt earthquakes shaking my core
These shoulders are broad and resilience a badge of fu*king honour, I don't want right now... I'm tired, I want to come up for a breath of air
instead of feeling weighted down by the going ons of life right now
I'm just so fu*king tired, my grief is leaking from my eyes (not feeling strong tonight)...
processing intense emotions
holding onto my faith, but human am I (yeah, I am but a 'man')
and processing isn’t pretty but it’s apart of actually living



freeflowpoet

Wrestling with grief

I’m lying awake and my eyes are leaking,
pain in my chest cavity
not sure if this is indigestion or my heart breaking...I miss you
It was the ‘Rumble’ on today and it’s not the same...I miss sharing those little things
like joking about the zimmer frames around the ring, cause another senior citizen has escaped the nursing home and is making a...one more last match comeback!
Or sharing a laugh over the days of our lives storylines, over the top pushes and silver spoon victories...i still have ‘mania’ on my bucket list for you dad
I miss our trips to Springy for chilli pork rolls and duck
I miss you counting the pelicans every time we drive over that bridge, the way you smile and get a sparkle in your eyes
I keep picturing you in your chair...I wish you were still there
this is grief, crying, laughing and reminiscing...
right now I’m feeling it, right now it’s hard
but I sense your presence, in my heart, on my mind

freeflowpoet

Heavy

Stitches on my mouth
my hand over it, with a painted on smile
silica packets sewn into my tear ducts
the world is perfect, there's nothing wrong
I'll promise to keep you close, as I isolate within
why is love and connection so beautiful...
and so damn painful all at the same time?
The lights are fading, we're all home though
I'm drowning in memories, there's so much I want to say...three words are all that's needed
It's all I have left (and it hurts so badly, so, so badly)

freeflowpoet

Grieving time

I'm sitting in my thoughts cause it hurts too much when I sit in my heart
I can't drown out the beatings my experiences gave me, all I desire is forgiveness
I still blame myself for throttling my guardian angel & accepting the devil's servant's offerings...
hold on, I was a fu*king child - how is everything my fault, explain it to me?
My heart is breaking, it doesn't matter how many times I apologise or change my ways, I still feel I owe you more...
There's so much I want to say still & there's still that acceptance I crave (despite knowing it's mine),
I'm screaming don't leave, I just want a little more time, a little more (God, I'm pleading)
I know time is fleeting, I understand how life and death work,
I understand acceptance but it's so much harder dealing with the heart
In this grief, I'm feeling all alone, drowning in my dried tears
I'm angry at shadows, a ghost from the past (knocking again)
get out of my memories, get out of my mind - you'll never be anything like this man (I love)
as much as I professed, I’ve been told & shown (over & over), there's no love lost
I love more deeply and richly, I love no less than I did at birth...
always my "Sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey",
Not the only one I called dad, but ever only the man i've called father
I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there, for I'll never get those back
and yet, those years have taught me to appreciate family and unconditional love even more
I can't say it enough, I don't feel like I could ever repeat it and it grow old
I love you, I'm hurting that I can't fix your heart...or just give you mine...
I love you and yes I'm crying, cause this goodbye is the one of the hardest I'll have to say,
but I'm grateful for the opportunity that grants me any more time, to tell you,
well my heart will always sing "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine"...
I love you x


freeflowpoet

Unselfish

Sometimes I need quiet too, time to sit with uncomfortable emotions
Sometimes I need to just listen and not be there for everyone else
Sometimes walking away is me shutting down old behaviour
Sometimes I just need to shut up & tune out
Sometimes not talking is just my way of processing what has already been spoken about
I'm not perfect, I have issues that sometimes take time to break down
Sometimes I'll act out, it's not a show...
I'm human and there's things that are new to me too
It's high way up here on others perches, please let me down,
please see me as the human I am
please, let me just be
(It'll only be for a little while, I just need some time)

freeflowpoet