Grieving time

I'm sitting in my thoughts cause it hurts too much when I sit in my heart
I can't drown out the beatings my experiences gave me, all I desire is forgiveness
I still blame myself for throttling my guardian angel & accepting the devil's servant's offerings...
hold on, I was a fu*king child - how is everything my fault, explain it to me?
My heart is breaking, it doesn't matter how many times I apologise or change my ways, I still feel I owe you more...
There's so much I want to say still & there's still that acceptance I crave (despite knowing it's mine),
I'm screaming don't leave, I just want a little more time, a little more (God, I'm pleading)
I know time is fleeting, I understand how life and death work,
I understand acceptance but it's so much harder dealing with the heart
In this grief, I'm feeling all alone, drowning in my dried tears
I'm angry at shadows, a ghost from the past (knocking again)
get out of my memories, get out of my mind - you'll never be anything like this man (I love)
as much as I professed, I’ve been told & shown (over & over), there's no love lost
I love more deeply and richly, I love no less than I did at birth...
always my "Sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey",
Not the only one I called dad, but ever only the man i've called father
I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there, for I'll never get those back
and yet, those years have taught me to appreciate family and unconditional love even more
I can't say it enough, I don't feel like I could ever repeat it and it grow old
I love you, I'm hurting that I can't fix your heart...or just give you mine...
I love you and yes I'm crying, cause this goodbye is the one of the hardest I'll have to say,
but I'm grateful for the opportunity that grants me any more time, to tell you,
well my heart will always sing "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine"...
I love you x


freeflowpoet

Unselfish

Sometimes I need quiet too, time to sit with uncomfortable emotions
Sometimes I need to just listen and not be there for everyone else
Sometimes walking away is me shutting down old behaviour
Sometimes I just need to shut up & tune out
Sometimes not talking is just my way of processing what has already been spoken about
I'm not perfect, I have issues that sometimes take time to break down
Sometimes I'll act out, it's not a show...
I'm human and there's things that are new to me too
It's high way up here on others perches, please let me down,
please see me as the human I am
please, let me just be
(It'll only be for a little while, I just need some time)

freeflowpoet

Hand full of jokers

You overwhelm me, I'm a slave to your influence,

your warm embrace, that of a python...wrapped around more than just a grip

The funny thing is you never said you loved me...the cards you laid before me, royal flush,

made with a hand full of jokers, I fell hard for your games, weighted dice, snake eyes and all

I bluffed my way through, went all in...

holding nothing, not even a lonely pair

Hollow promises, I'd walk bare footed through hell, just to prove my gratitude...

how sad was that, so blinded by wanting somewhere i felt, I belonged 

so stubborn & headstrong, so intoxicated by broken promises, empty, like your silences...

I held your hand as you stuck the knife in,

I locked your eyes and I still couldn't let go

even as the tears cleansed my eyes

and I heard your intention, I heard the devil, right before me...warm embrace, heat of embers, smell of brimstone, fire melting skin off my sold soul...

Even as you choked me with vemon words,

I still refused to leave that toxicity...I felt home,

I felt home, in the hallucinating vapours,

rolling off your tongue...

and you knew, you always knew...

(my worth x2)

freeflowpoet

Unplugged

I'm told to write everything out,

but how do I explain shit to myself,

let alone those who read to relate (draw strength)?

I handle any one of three ways,

I dissociate, and take flight on cortisol

til I go down or threats (mostly imaged) fade,

I disconnect and tell my story as if narrating someone else's story, while my inner child's tears flow down my face (some kind of connection these days, it gets to me to, child)

Or I bite my lip and run the same script,

over n over

"I'm not the only one this shit will hurt and haunt, I'm not the only innocent framed in this lens)

loyalty will always be one sided - I get that now,

I don't owe anyone, anything, but myself

I don't care what anyone thinks

except when they think they know me from part of a judgemental conversation (mind already made up, that's your version...this, me out of control, in a fetal position shaking with rage fuelled by fear...in wrath, lost for a moment, THIS IS MY TRUTH)

I know imaged shame, I know lies & having to hold secrets, I know violence, I've created it and copped it, I know betrayal (more than you could even fathom), I know true abandonment, trust me I know...I even abandoned myself, lost who I truly was (so I tattooed my initials on me, so to remember my own name)

I won't let you in, oh bullshit! Change has been moulded within me

But, there's still doors I won't open to just anyone, push all you want (I'll implode before trusting just anyone with my history)

You ask how am I meant to grow, or let go?

It's a process, I do reveal parts of me...

just in silence screams or behind closed doors

of court rooms or psychologist's rooms

I know what it's like being under a thumb,

I know victimisation,

Fuck 'they' still hold the reins...

I still feel I owe protection, even though I know that's the biggest piece of bullshit to date

I'm not ready to trust just anyone, I'm not ready to trust someone who feels it's their right to broadcast snippets of my story (without knowing me)

I'm not gonna go crazy, go backwards

Losing control just once was enough to scare even me, again...

Excuse me if I avoid, I'm feeling stripped and raw, feeling victimised all over again,

definitely feeling wrath that knocks me out of myself...

Yeah, this is dissociation...what you can't

see this is trauma surfacing?

It's ok, I'll just walk through it and then shut it down again,

I know what to do

and that's not ignoring this

freeflowpoet

Fear, wrath & total powerlessness

 I’m sitting in a chair watching myself standing before me

What kind of devil’s work is this?

I don’t quite know which one is the real me, weird huh?

I test reality by standing up

only to have my legs give under me,

my heart is pounding, not only in my chest

but my ears to, everything sounds muffled, far away...

I’m confused, I’m feeling trapped

powerless against, what? Memories?

I’m safe surely, or no I’m actually not (I’m just as confused as you, you who tries to reach me)

Why can’t I fucking stand up? Why is my mouth so dry, that nothing quenches it?

Where am I? Am I here, this isn’t my body, WHERE AM I, WHAT IS THIS, WHO ARE YOU, GET AWAY FROM ME

The room has disappeared, I’m not even sure I’m standing in front of...where am I?

Confusion, I’m in extreme flight mode and I don’t know why

I’m AFRAID

but a minute ago, there wasn’t anything to fear...

Voices all around me, I can’t fucking breathe

this is all consuming, I’m feeling trapped 

Pitch black... all is slowing down,

Um, who put that hole in the wall,

No, say it wasn’t me, Oh fuck

wrath hijacked me...

I didn’t even know

I didn’t even know...

freeflowpoet 

Destruction

Why are humans so hell bent on ripping each other apart,

Why must being right, go before understanding or compassion,

I’m getting tired of all the trials, all the ‘it happened for a reasons’, all the lessons I needed to learn, all the betrayals and keeping other people’s secrets (this script is on fucking loop)

I thought I’d laid all the skeletons in my closet bare, thought I’d liberated her,

though it seems they’ve all become...

ghosts

And I’m suffocating from the hands over my mouth (shh, this is our secret, this is yours and for the other innocents left behind)

Silence is not golden, silence is not silver grey

it’s a tear my heart out, through my breast plate shock

it’s a nuclear cloud scream, no one hears you scream when you vaporise into ash and dust

I shake violently as my humanity reanimates,

only to explode in my face, over and over

Such is this dance of get torn down, get back up and rebuild...

survive, thrive (rinse, wash, repeat x2)

freeflowpoet

Trash/Treasure

Pausing before my fingers dance across the keyboard,

It's actually really nice,

I'm hearing the lines I wanna say about who I once was...and I can't

I just can't allow myself to trash talk my essence,

I'm not who, in circumstances, I had to become

I am who I choose to be and become

I choose to honour my past, by unwrapping the present/a gift

You, my audience, cannot see my smile

I love, this love I have for ME

I love, who I have in my life

those who positively challenge and encourage me, not tear me down...or apart

I'm in awe of my little girl's (inner child) resilience

I'm in awe of her (my own) faith and hope

I'm grateful she is who she is (me)

I'm grateful for being teachable, for thirst

I'm just thankful...and so much more

freeflowpoet