Inner Rage

I wanna scream out

lash out and destroy something,

hell anything 

My innards feel like I have the Hulk stirring,

within Bruce Banner, just before the change...

I'm frustrated,

sometimes self loathing,

disappointed in myself,

annoyed, annoyed at being powerless (so human)...

restricted 

Yet I don't act out

or harm myself

(I hurt enough already most days, physically)

and yet I know I'm not walking through this

alone

I know God

hears my conversations and tears,

provides what I need

to be alright, even comforted...

when I don't fight what is

(it just is)

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Breathe in,

now breathe out

It'll be alright 

(Alright)

freeflowpoet

Tough Enough

I was never meant to hurt another

I was an old soul in a squishy fat body, I never felt comfortable in

I took the verbal and physical abuse cause standing up for myself only brought more tormenting

Then one day, it happened...

that innocent child was gagged & bound, kidnapped and buried deep inside a callous heart (veins coursing with fiery rage and silent pain) to die or be forgotten about

In her place, rose a deaf and mute contorted mesh of man's sin...a nameless monster,

all consuming

I said I'd never hurt those I cared about

that promise was broken many times (like my essence)

And the roads I staggered down turned red

blood on my mind, blood on my hands

I was never meant to hurt anyone, 

I was never meant to be so hateful to myself either, yet I did & was...

Fast forward 

I've got my inner child back & have breathed life back into her heart

We are not what happened or what I did to survive

I am that gentle old soul in my own skin (where most days now, I'm comfortable in)

freeflowpoet

Demon on the Loose

Try to be mindful, stay here in this moment

not the past, not the future

Medical withdrawals and added side effects I can't control or predict

only pray I don't act on the irrational banshee screaming

cut, use, abuse yourself, abuse them...fuck it die, die mother fucker, die!

So tired, so damned drained

so fuckin' over this:

the mood swings, the knock me out to reset pain receptors 'sleep',

the zombie over tiredness, the head nods and hooded shut eyes (without any illegal or misuse of substances),

the over the top reactions...I'll bite, snap and spit you out (before I even realise),

the loss of motivation to try while pushing through anyway,

the non stop falling of tears, while there's a smile upon my face,

the not knowing if I'm coming or going, while I know my life is everything precious to me...

as the demon inside my head plays with the wiring, laughing ever so evilly

Feeling as if I belong in a psych ward, rocking back n forth in the corner (alone)

I want someone to hold me tight...but my intentions are corrupt

(I wanna fuck, just so I can disappear, act out and throw whoever away, used;

worthless...this is what I hear myself saying that is what I am, over and over)

I'm down, drowning it feels like, in depression

yet I'm grateful, life is actually wonderful...I am beautiful

This is what it's like living with Borderline Personality Disorder (for me, when I'm without the stability of medication...writing is my therapy)

I see the defects and self destruction swirling, writing it down

soothes the savage beast, I get to tame me once more...

ah, the beauty of awareness and tools to challenge such negative shit

Demon within - leave, you're not welcome here

stop tormenting me, I choose to not give you power...

you cannot rent space within my ears, I evict you 

Cleansed and free, I wanna be

so, I will not listen to the poor me violin you play...

I will not harm me, in anyway

but I will hug you and love you...

until you fade away.

freeflowpoet

NO LOVE

The lights have faded from her eyes

her clothes hide the bruises from another lost fight

her tears fall but no one cares, she's not worth saving, she'll never be anything

anyway

The exchanges occur, she's become what they said she would and a lot worse

She picks up her clothes off the floor, as the unnamed John throws cash in her face and slaps her ass as she slinks ashamed & degraded out the door

She takes the baggy, he takes the cash

She hides in some public restroom

draws up the mix and shoots herself with one shot...

hoping this will fix everything, or just take away her pain

Night comes, so does another few strange Johns

Knocked up & knocked around

Drugged up & numbed down 

another nightmare, wakes in a hospital

she just wishes it would all end

She saids she has no fight left, the nurse mumbles apologies, her baby's gone

hands her a script for some pills and a follow up appointment card...

she has no intention of going any how

She crushes the last few pills left from the bottle she got that morning, half of em where her breakfast washed down with some cheap flat alcohol 

and now the last get added to the speedball mix

A ghost amongst packed city streets, she walks by unseen

but now there's a real reason no one sees her

She's no longer society's scum, she's just another overdose case...

No love

freeflowpoet

I DON'T NEED YOU...

I don't need you to love me

even though I want you to

I'm not going to pretend trauma hasn't left its mark upon me

but I know today, I'm loveable and love ain't gonna kill me like hate nearly did

I love the beauty of innocence in my eyes,

I no longer feel repulsed by my reflection in the mirror

There's a softness in me, my humanity 

no one suffocated that fire within,

no one destroyed it or broke it (nor me)

I may have tried to ignore it, bury it under wrath, pain and drugs

but I was raised with genes of strong stock

and if life has taught me anything 

I know yesterday doesn't define me

but my actions today will

freeflowpoet

Metaphoric knife...

Metaphoric knife...

A storm sweeps through my mind

deafening me, devil trying to distract 

drag me from the garden of serenity I've found

Inside there's a thousand words whirling, high speed

words if you could hear, would cut your blissful perception of memories to shreds

they be the metaphoric knife I would plunge through your heart...

hear the fabric of illusion tear, like my innocence did

I cannot do it, I cannot be so hateful

I see I'm not the victim anymore

I see you haven't walked away scar free

yeah, I see how much you've been harmed

in other ways...

everyone's gone, you're pretty much alone

and while you're continually cleaning up the shit storm of chaos, I see nothing has changed, despite time slipped by 

while so much has changed in my life

I see clearly now, you can't give me the closure I seek (that's between God & me)

freeflowpoet

I Guess It Is...Goodbye

I guess it's a chapter closed

so many similarities, my gut's telling me

its gotta be you

and the conflicting feelings start

Man, you taught me what love felt like

swept me off my feet

the moment my eyes saw you

sitting across the foyer from me

You showed me what a gentleman truly was

never made me feel uncomfortable 

or untrusting of you,

never had me checking or questioning 

your motives

I can't believe the amount of times

you had me sitting on the kitchen floor

daylight turning into night,

night into morning light

and still we found more things to say

I'd play with the telephone cord

listening to your voice

listening to your silence, imagining you

smiling 

not wanting to say goodbye, not wanting to be 

the one to hang up...

I fondly recall our intimate moments 

still can't forget those eyes

(those green grey eyes *sigh*)

It was I not you, who feared you meeting

my family

I softly protested saying I didn't want you feeling rushed

while in my head I was overwhelmed 

but man, so far head over heels

in love (yep, love!)

I remember the tears and heartache when we ended us

I remember your body wrapped around the hollow shell

I became...

my past destroyed beauty once again

I lost you right there,

you lost me and couldn't reach me again

...I heard you, felt you slow, felt you trying to

comfort me

(but I was gone, disassociated)

I've never thought rejection could hurt so much

never thought it'd be me, causing such pain

to myself, to, to you

how can love be so powerless 

that it wasn't enough to save us?

While I was sad we ended the way we did

I have never been so grateful,

never regretted what we shared

You taught me real love, that I was worth

knowing it

*sigh*

We faded as the years passed

then you were just a memory...

tried a few times to chase you up

but your number soon went from

a strangers voice on the other end

to forgotten (you moved on, moved on)

Then out of the blue I try once more to find you

and I'm still trying to deny the similarities 

but I came across an archived death notice 

...from what I could read

it said you died 2012, 35 years old

REALLY! No, no don't want it to be

but the haunting similarities...

what a way to have said goodbye, I'm sorry

yet no I'm not

11/11/15 freeflowpoet