*Strong trigger content* The match flashes suddenly…

Serenity broken, just like that

A match lit, quick as that

the switch got flicked and the demons swarmed…

I hear the teeth gash at my femininity,

no violation, hasn’t been in years now

but one moment, one trigger…

and my body remembers,

while the mind just spits up every fucking image

There’s no tears right now, cause this will pass again,

cause I know it’s not real…not anymore,

it’s just a bit unpleasant and sickening in this moment

and every nerve within me screams and tingles, as I’m stuck in squirm mode, 

silently denying consent, echos on my eardrums…I was the only one to hear it yesterday year…and again here

But it’s alright, I’m alright 

stronger, I’m stronger

I know this is just a finger running over scars

and nothing more

a distant triggered memory…

I survived, I’ve got that…and more than

all of you will ever know

the demons will get bored and fade back into the darkness

as the match dies out

faith blankets my inner child, I self sooth (no longer just whip “that bitch”…cause she’s innocent (yeah, she is me & I was/am innocent too)

God that feels good to hear me say

cause it’s settling within

cause I know it’s representing truth

this is just a body memory, what happens when the triggers pop (surprise, oh yeah thanks, a fuckin’ surprise)

freeflowpoet

You’re not alright/You’re not alone

Wishing healing from trauma was as simple

as an eraser to the mind

or taking out a set of eyes and wiping the shit clean

before resetting them back into the sockets

but it’s not…

If I could make you un-see all the shit that occurred 

trust me I’d happily take it from you, so you’d no longer hurt or feel that heavy sadness 

that looks so familiar as my experience, but its not

It’s yours 

but your sadness, is an emotion I understand 

here take my hand and let me use this empathy…

You’re not alone, I’m here just sitting beside you 

You don’t have to say anything, or you can curse at the hand you’ve been dealt

or cry all your fears out

and I promise not to insult you by wiping them away before you’re done

This is something once given to me,

and this is the premise of paying it forward…

may you also find a little bit of peace,

It’s sometimes hard to admit life can weigh us down

It’s ok to be not ok

but if it’s like that, all I ask is share it

It’ll be alright, it’ll be alright (cause you’re not alone)

You’re not alone

freeflowpoet 

It’s not black and white

You are my Yin to my Yang,

my anger to my love,

my lava to my rain

my crumbling clay to my crisp fresh air

You’re the keeper of my demons, you’re my trumpet call of my archangels 

You’re my black wolf, you’re my white wolf

and my conscience is my area of gray

I hold an overflowing glass of anger

while a shattered glass of rage wets the table that sits to the side of me

and I grip tight a glass of calmness…

looking forward to drinking from the cup of peace

So many mistakes, so much pain…you are my past

So many smiles, so much love…you are now my past as well, but still my future too 

You’re my demise, the voice that condemns and lies

You’re my encouragement, the voice that builds me up and challenges all my doubts

I am complex, as humans are

one is a relationship laced with regret and harshness but growth, the other a relationship of amends and loving guidance…both lead me down different paths, that crisscross 

until I find the point I must step off

I don’t have to choose a side

for both teach different lessons, ahh the penny drops 

One is the hell I sometimes revisit through flashbacks and triggered memories 

The other like heaven filled with wisdom and forgiveness 

both reinforce my choices for today,

both bring tears to my eyes,

both influence who I am and why

both litter my heart with pain, two different similars

two different goodbyes, 

two different types of tears…

but it’s all enmeshed grief, two different goodbyes 

freeflowpoet

I Cannot Change my Past (Know Thyself)

I wouldn’t waste my time to go back and tell a younger me “don’t do this or don’t do that”

I know I wouldn’t listen, I was stubborn like that!

I know it wouldn’t change anything I survived

cause I didn’t trust myself, so why would I trust someone saying they were a future me...I’d probably write the meeting off as a bad trip or someone I’d have to guard myself against.

It’s a sad reflection, knowing I’d flip myself off and disregard all I know now, cause I didn’t feel worthy or really cared, back then

life was a slow suicide loop, stuck!

And yet death felt too good for the filth I thought I was...

How can a child think so lowly of themselves?

I’m glad I came out the other side, alive and renewed with a thirst to thrive

I (really) don’t care what others have to say about me

nor do I care what people think

when I write about learning all over, how to love my inner girl...so I can learn to love who I want to be as this adult, who’s just trying to figure out who she is...get to know thyself

and maybe then I’ll let you

in

freeflowpoet 

I miss you

My heart is drowning in a sea of swallowed tears,

I know my goodbye for now was always meant to come first

but it came way to soon (and it’s like I’m right back there, now)

Everything has changed, nothing feels the same

I keep thinking things will make you laugh or that would be an interesting conversation to have with you and I absentmindedly reach for the phone...

Stupid location services, it’s then I’m reminded you’re not gonna pick up or reply

Dad, I miss you and December is no longer a happier month...you’re birthday, you’re passing memorial, another Christmas you’ll not be seated at the family table and another New year...without you

I miss you 

freeflowpoet

No canary but flying free

It’s really nice when you finally accept
only what’s yours to own
I once believed I’d die from the secrets I was asked to carry, the ones I had forced upon me
It’s really nice when you finally know
peace between your ears
and know people who actually love you and see your worth
instead of what you’re worth to them...
I love this feeling of holding my head high,
this feeling of happiness in my heart,
this feeling of having freedom of choice...
who comes first

freeflowpoet

Emotions & Gratitude

Tattoo needle reverberating over my exposed brain, more life lessons ingrained
Your words and feigned concern don't validate my experiences, they crash onto my ears "your emotions make me uncomfortable, therefore you don't have permission to express anymore"
But, I'm not afraid to be vulnerable or speak of a little sadness or grief
I see the bigger picture, the stories and memories, that I treasure as they form apart of who I am today...
A survivor, a daughter, a friend, a sister.
I am who I am, whether I shed tears or wear a smile...or a fricken crown (drama queen)!
No one keeps this woman down,
my blood flows with resilience & stubbornness (thanks mum, thanks dad!!!)
Life felt like it'd kill me many times, but each time I'd get back up and fight again, and again ...and again,
well here I stand and my how I've grown & thrived, thanks mum & thanks dad


freeflowpoet